The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having self esteem problems. It mainly has to do with my job. I believe that I am a good person but I have a difficult time being assertive and standing up for myself. I am in a middle management position and have been there for several years. I have several people who work for me who are always negative and always seem to challenge the decisions that I make. When they confront me, my mind goes blank and I have a hard time responding. I get so down on myself afterwards but I can't seem to change. I have thought many times about leaving the position but that would mean a cut in pay which I can't afford. I have been the program for a long time but this seems to be a personality trait that isn't going away. Any ideas?:
I wonder if this is the sort of problem which practice would help with? I mean, yes, if you feel that your low self esteem is at the bottom of this, that is a serious problem and needs to be worked on, in the classic fashion - therapy, doing things that you are good at, taking chances and seeing that failure is not really the end of the world - but you can also just attack the symptom here rather than the cause and maybe get some immediate good results. If your company is any size at all, your HR department will have resources to help you - this is not an uncommon problem. Most people in management did not actually get their training in managing people, and most have trouble doing it. I woud be very surprised if there are not courses or books out there which address this specific problem, and which could give you tips to help you with it. You can look for help with HR, or your professional association or union, your own boss, a government employment agency, or even the public library. Frankly, just making the move to look for some help is likely to give you a boost - it is amazing how even tiny steps in the right direction help self esteem. Nothing succeeds like success.
For me it was looking at who was the alcoholic in my life and how it influenced me in how I thought and how I felt. If you are constantly being battered emotionally by an A, I found that I took what he/she said with me, and I became weaker in my ownself and self esteem plummetted. It was affecting my ability to accomplish tasks at hand, and it also affected my work ethics. I waivered at decision making, and could not even do the simplest of things correctly. This is what this disease does to us, and for me without the help of alanon meetings, I could have not become this person I am today. Is there an alcoholic in your life? How is it affecting you? You can see what the disease of addiction is doing to the A but can you see what it is doing to you?
Hello! I can not offer any help on correcting your lack of assertiveness other than I too suffer from the same and it has been impacting my job also. I am presently in therapy and feel that has helped a real lot. I have learned that my inner voice has so much wisdom and I need to listen to it more often and speak outloud what It has to say. I am finding that I know the assertive answers and think them but out of fear of someone not liking me I do not say them. Well, for me that is not good because usually I AM RIGHT but no one knows this but me. I also have learned from therapy and Al-Anon that I have a right to voice my opinion and thoughts and that no one is hurt by me not voicing them but me.(and how are they to respect my thoughts and opinions if I don't even trust them myself)
I don't know if that has helped you at all but you are not alone. Many of us are working through the same.
I am glad you are here and keep working the program and let your HP help and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you all for your input. It has really helped. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. My mother had alcoholism in her family and I think that is why she was the way she was. She always told me that I was ugly, stupid, nobody liked me etc. She would get mad at me and just scream at me. Now when any kind of confrontation happens I seem to freeze and nothing comes out of my mouth.
Been there, done that and sometimes go back just to see if I still know what depression feels like. I learned that depression is a sign of anger turned inward (upon or at myself). I used the program for help and yes counseling and positive motivation material and the 4th step inventory (several times).
I am responsible for how and what I think...it's my brain so learning how to use it was/is important. I have changed many things. I thought that looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "You are a great person and I love you" was dumb and crazy and then finally came to practice it. In my family of orgin if I was caught doing that I would have been called "vain" and "crazy" (the last one was for sure).
I started doing positive affirmations after doing an Al-Anon split page inventory (4th). Take a clean sheet of paper and fold it in half. On the top of the left side of the split write the title "What is good about me" and on the right "What is not good about me". I had to use "searching" "fearless" and "honest". I know the step says "moral" and that is the difference between good and bad so it was.
Good or Bad HP loves me so if HP found unconditional acceptance of me I didn't have reason not to.
With the good stuff I started an affirmation list and I started to memorize and repeat these assets about myself and it worked!!
I can't do anything about who, where and why others are who they choose to be. That's not my fault and I can be understanding and compassionate. When my crew use to resist being directed I would address the resistance and ask them if we could address what they were going thru and possibly why. I never promised to just react to what they were going thru. I would listen to their responses and if needed ask for time to consider their input. They have valid awarenesses and input and I need to consider them as I consider myself. Often times there was a hightened awareness and appreciation of the relaltionship without me having to change my management style or decision.
Even though others are not in the same program of recovery as I am it doesn't mean that they cannot benefit from it.
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