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Hello, newbie here. Just need to vent a little. DH is an A, driving me crazy with the sneakiness and the lies. I'm trying to learn how to let go. So hard to do when you really love someone (we've been married less than 6 months...sad I know, and I'm probably really stupid for going through with it in the first place). I do truly love him, he is a wonderful man and I've known him for 12 years. He started hitting the booze pretty hard, according to him, maybe 3 years ago. He's not a mean drunk, in fact I've never noticed a personality change when he's drinking. But it is ruining our lives, and especially his health (his drinking has caused him seizures - last one happened last Sunday). And I have zero trust in him because of the lies and deceipt, and resentment is building big time (caught him hiding vodka in various places, promised "no more", but is still drinking but just trying to hide it better). I want a HUSBAND, not a dependent! All he does is lay around all day, and do a few "token" chores around the house. He is so smart and well educated - he even prides himself on his Ivy League MBA that he worked so hard for - but he does NOTHING with it. It kills me to see him wasting away. I really REALLY hate being lied to. (A 14lb jug of cat litter apparently costs $11.39 at Rite Aid...ummmm...doubtful - but that's all he came home with and conveniently there was no receipt).
I've got alot of work to do (for myself). I know I can't make him stop, I just have to control how I react to it. Any pointers on where to start would certainly be appreciated.
this is our online family.. we are always expanding, and we are always here to listen, offer advice and support and show love. we TRUST each other and HELP each other come thru this madness and chaos that is LIFEWITH AN A. active or not.
i left my "A" boyf. last aug.. rollercoaster ride or definite. without these gys in my life... my online family.. i would be a mess. there were here to listen when i was falling apart... and i wud have ended up in a straight jacket from all the lies, deceit, manipulation and the anger i had for my "A" was makin me sick.
welcome to our family.. we are glad you found us! keep coming back
Hi DuckGirl!! I don't know alot about alanon but I found myself feeling a whole bunch better coming here after trying to bottle things up quietly at home. Look forward to chatting with you!
Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I used to call myself names like stupid about some of the reasons I got involved with the A. I have been with now 6 years. This last year in al anon has been amazing for me. I have grown tremendously and look to grow still more.
I have also lived with an A who sat around and did little. The irony for me is that lately when I have been focusing on myself a lot that the A has started to work a little more and stopped being as awful. There is still a great deal I do deal with for sure.
I would not classify my life as a bed of roses by any means.
There are many many tools in this program. You will hear many of us talk about them. You will also hear and see people hear walking their way through the "steps". I can't think of a better place for you to be in your current predicament.
Welcome to the show that never seems to end. Or the train that has no destination.
My AW is my qualifier here. We have over 5 years of togetherness, and a 3-1/2 year old that binds us and keeps me here. Other than the addiction, my dear wife is a great person.
I wonder if I would have married her had I known she was an addict. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have.
I wonder if I woul dhave stayed with the un-ending drama, chaos, and unmanagable life if I had an early warning and an out? I wouldn't have. But I'm stuck and wish for no one that still have an out to be stuck like me.
Life with a recovering alcoholic is not what I dreamed of. Life with an active alcoholic can't be much better I guess. The worries, the loneliness, the anguish and hurt, the lies, and on and on. sheeeesh.
I am not sure exactly what I am saying here, except for the mumbling rantings of a codependent. It's a tough life.
Having AlAnon support, having this group to lean on has been a great support to make a nearly intolerable life be somehow tolerable with great sacrifices. Keep coming back.
I have an A b/f. We've been together for about 8 mos. He's moved in with me (since Nov) and we've had a lot of arguments about his drinking. Last week he had a few days where he was under control - drinking, but under control. Last Friday he binged again so I came home to a passed out drunk. He stayed sober for 5 days after that friday. Then last night it was drunk again, and today he is drunk by lunch time. He claims to have not had anything to drink yesterday since about 8:00 (shen I got home). Since he was still drunk when we got up this morning I knew that what he had done was to buy two bottles yesterday, keep one out to show me that he didn't drink much, but keep the other hid so that he can drink what he wants with out me knowing.
I tell you this to help explain about what I have learned here - and through my own experiences.
1. A's live in a very twisted version of reality. They have the most absurd ideas and think they're brilliant. They think that they aren't drunk, even though they're staggering & banging into walls & their speech is slurred. My b/f called me about an hour ago (noon), his speech was slurred and he insisted that he wasn't drinking - he was just still buzzed from last night. I told him that he was full of crap and that I knew that he was drinking. So basically they truly do expect you to believe all the BS that they tell you. Since I've been writing these he's called me back and he has a 101 temp and is throwing up blood. I don't know what he's expecting me to do - I'm not taking off work to take care of someone who is ill because they've been abusing their body.
2. If you're going along thinking that they will change, they most likely never will. It may get better, but most likely they will slip back into their addiction.
Personally, I really don't think that I will stay in this relationship. I just don't want to live like this and he will most likely always drink - and it will always have control over him. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that, on most days, I can't even carry on a normal conversation with. My sister's husband was an A and he is now practically an invalid. He's in his early 60's and is having seizures & falling all the time. He's been having chronic health problems for years.
I really do understand where you're at and how you feel. It's hard to deal with. It's someone you care about and love. they're not a bad person it's just that their drinking turns them into someone who is irresponsible and seemingly uncaring about anyone else's feelings. They really are not in control of their behavior when they drink. My b/f just got out of the military. He's gone through 10K since Oct. Hasn't found a job in that time (there are tons of jobs here if you want to work). I think he might expect me to continue to buy booze for him once his cash runs out - he only has about $100. left. He can think again!!
Anyway, the decision to stay or leave is up to each of us. I guess it's all a question of whether or not you want to live your life that way because more than likely it will get a lot worse before it gets better. If you read some of the posts, there are people here who have lost everything that they've worked for - 15 years or more of working & paying a mortgage & raising kids. Scarry!!
You are married to an alcoholic, so the "normal" version of what a husband should be just does not apply to you. Hard, I know, but that's the reality. Hoping he will change, manipulating him to make him change, nagging him to change ... all of these are a waste of your time. If you can't stand the thought of living with him just as he is right now, then you really need to think about the future of your marriage. It is not likely to get better - or, at least the drinking part of it isn't. However, you can change your atttitude. If he actually does make you happy most of the time, then you may be able to be happy, whether he is drinking or not. Give up your expectations, accept what you cannot change (him) and change what you can (your reactions) . Going to meetings will help, reading our literature. Working the steps, talking things out with a sponsor. Venting here when it gets too much at times, as it will. No one here will tell you whether to stay or go. Some of us have stayed, some have left, many are in the process of figuring out which way to go. Personally, I stayed with my husband, and eventually he sobered up. However, that was after nearly 20 years of marriage. Sometimes I am glad I stayed, and saw this day. Sometimes I wish I had walked out the door 20 years ago, and maybe had a better life. Welcome, this is the right place for you.
Welcome Duckgirl. Lots of support and lovely people here whenever you need them. Keep posting to us. Focus on how you can change yourself and don't beat yourself up if you slip back into bad habits. We all do it. It is called being human. Luv Leo xxx
((((((((Duckygirl))))welcome to the FAMILY sister.. As others have already shared we are a Good family and we help one another heal by sharing our E=experience S=strength H=hope.... It really does help knowing your not alone and there are others out there that are experincing what we have or we are dealing with at the time.. Sweetheart just keep coming back and posting!!! Keep the focus on you!!
Wow wow and WOW!!! Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome! I really appreciate the support at a time when I'm feeling very alone in this. I hope I might be able to help someone someday just as you are helping me. Thank you, and see you on the boards :)
This is an amazing site. Everyone here has been just where you are right now. You are not alone. The people on this site are awesome people. So caring, supportive and understanding. Just what we all need to help us through all the chiaos and roller coaster rides. I am glad you found this site. Keep coming back and posting...... ((((((((((((((( duckgirl )))))))))))))) Prayers - Kim
You're young - he has an MBA and just sits around.
Please look at my story, 20 years latter. Life is HELL.
My husband was one of the most dashing and eligible in the area. He was a Special Agent in Law Enforcement and on TV all the time - ok, we was an A. then too. But, he seemed so cool and romantic.
Well, now it's not. We have NO life together. It's him and the rum bottle - really. Cut your losses and run....even if you have to do without for awhile - please do.
My daughter has gone through the same thing - 2 children latter who have seen a lot that they shouldn't - my daughter's life having been some nasty places - and he was one of the most acceptable bachelors in town too....Just a drunk. She didn't marry him till he stopped drinking - guess what - he started again. So, she gets a new car when ever he beats her up.
We are not supposed to give advice here, just our experience, strength and hope (ESH). I would encourage you to attend a face to face meeting and get the newcomer literature. It will explain the program, alcoholism, and what you can do for yourself while in the midst of this situation.
The program suggests that we are active in Al-anon for six months prior to making any life altering decisions such as leaving a marriage. This allows you to learn the program, and take care of yourself so that you can make rational decisions. No one can tell you to leave a marriage, it your decision and yours alone.
It helps to learn the program, go to an open AA meeting, and learn to take care of yourself. His alcoholism doesn't have to be the central part of your life. Good luck and welcome! Babysteps
