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I try to be positive. I am so happy my husband is sober, but I still sometimes want to sock him in the jaw! He is busy working and when he is not working he is at a meeting or at his sponsor's house, or talking to other AA members. Yes, I am a little jealous of all the time he spends with them, but I do understand that this is what he needs--especially right now! But on top of that he comes home and begins asking me "Did you take care of ___, what about ____, and ____?" So then the other day we get a letter about a fine the Parks and Wildlife want him to pay-this letter is from the Attorney General (parks and wildlife has passed the buck to someone else now). Well I called my husband's attorney, b/c I knew my husband would be busy and wouldn't get to call him (it would be too late, by the time he got home). So then I told my husband what the attorney said-well that wasn't good enough. He wanted to have it handled. He said "Well you should write the Attorney General a letter"--I'm thinking-me, why me this has nothing to do with me! I told him his attorney said he would look into (now I know the attorney doesn't really care what happens--afterall he gets paid no matter what--I'm really not trying to bash attorneys I just haven't had any good luck with any myself!) anyway--so he keeps going on about how I need to handle it, He then said "well what I'd put in the letter would be something like....", so I said o.k. so why don't you write the letter. So he got upset-"fine I'll write the letter, not like I have time to do it, I don't see why you can't write the letter" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! I never agreed to write the letter. I'm going to let the attorney handle it, b/c my husband won't do anything about it either--that's fine--it won't be me in trouble.
So to make a long story longer--this morning--after I made his lunch and breakfast--He is asking me did you feed the chickens yesterday-"yes", well what about the dogs, "yes"-well he didn't hear my response-so-have you fed the dogs at all this week?--O.k. he has asked me everynight this week if I have taken care of the animals--which I didn't want either of the dogs we have, but I continue to take care, b/c that's the right thing to do--one night I didn't feed and that's b/c they had caught one of the geese (a big one) and shared that as a supper, so I didn't see the need in giving them any dog food. Anyway--so with fumes coming out of my ears I looked at him and very tight lipped stated-yes I have fed the dogs! I asked him "Are you trying to tick me off this morning?" to which he stated, "No, I just want you to be more responsible."
Like I don't have my own job, 3 kids, a house, chickens, dogs, geese, a singing group, and whatever else I take on. I am the one that cleans the house, does homework with the kids, gets breakfast, lunch and dinner available/taken care of for the family. I do the laundry, feed the animals--I have even on occasion changed the oil in my car and the flat tires b/c he can't seem to get around to doing that. But I am not responsible and I am not dependable.!!!!!!
Can you see the top of my head just blowing off????
So then he wants a hug before he goes to work--so I walked over to him-let him hug me, oh but I wanted to stomp his toe! (But I didn't)
Sometimes I would really like to change worlds w/ him just for a day or two--like Freaky Friday. So maybe I would understand why he does that and then of course even more so b/c then he would get a chance to live in my world and see what all I do--maybe he would have a second thought as to how to treat me--or he just may see that I actually do stuff and I am dependable and responsible!
Just letting off steam. Anybody else have this kind of thing? I know probably all of you!
Hi, don't know if this helps at all. My AH is dry, but got "saved" instead of going to AA.
He is very controlling and I believe, from what I've seen in open AA and otherwise, that for whatever reason it seems that most AA's are. Particularly the men seem to be. There's no way that anything I do suits my husband. He loves to superrvise others, not just me, and won't get involved with much of anything unless he is "top dog."
It's my belief that A's are basicly insecure and need to feel like their in charge by putting their wives down in order to feel good about themselves.
Along with Alanon CAL, there are three volumes of a book by Toby Rice Drew entitled, "Getting Them Sober", available in bookstores. Don't let the name of the book throw you, it's about A traits and behaviours and how to deal with them.
Take what you like and leave the rest. (((((((hugs)))))))
I do have those Getting Them Sober Books--maybe I should reread them. I have also read the chapter to wives and the family after again out of the Big Book. I am trying to be patient and understanding, but I also want to stand up for myself w/o being too pushy--I'm hoping a light will come on and he will see what he is doing to me. If not, oh well, I tried and I'll just keep praying, and breathing deep and coming here!
Great idea to keep reading - it's not easy being alone so much when it doesn't suit your expectations.
I used to be miserable because I expected my AH to act like a non-alcoholic. It takes an A a long time in AA to get truly sober.
Kicking and screaming (inside), I finally realized that if I was going to have a life, I'd have to make it myself.
My AH refused to go to AA - says he doesn't drink anymore so he's not an A. Some couples I have met in open AA meetings have gotten to the point where they go to AA meeting together even though only one is an A, the other Al-Anon.
I sometimes read and re-read my books because I learn something different each time I read.
What I like best about Toby's books is where she says, "if it's good for ME, then it's good for him. Making a new life for myself wasn't easy for me because it's not what I wanted in the beginning.
Wow, do I enjoy my freedom now! Sure, I get lonesome sometimes, then I remember who my two best friends are: Me and my Higher Power
I relate to you about feeding the dogs. We have two big dogs that I did not choose to have. I love them to death and do take care of them much more than my husband. I resent it, though and dont think it is fair. He is not even concerned about them like I am. I relate to what you are doing.
That is why I took care of myself today and treated myself to many wonderful things like the beach and the salon and to fresh watermelon.
I reread your post again. You do have a lot of responsibilities.
When my children were little, I didn't have Al-Anon. What I did have was a lot of resentment because I was alone all the time and didn't know how to handle it. I can see that if I'd had Al-Anon back then, my life and my children's lives would have been better. Back then, I was so full of self pity and depression. I wasn't as available emotionally as I wish I'd been.
I still managed take the kids camping, and have fun with them. My kids turned out pretty good in spite of me. Their lives would have been so much better, though, if I had been more available and not so angry most of the time. I was angry that I had to work and couldn't stay at home with my kids.
With your responsibilities, I can see that you don't have much time for yourself. Do whatever you can to have fun with your children - and do whatever it takes to give yourself some quality time.
I have three dogs, eight cats, and two parrots. I've thought about getting chickens - just haven't done that yet.
Many hugs to you - hang in there -
How old are your kids? Old enough to feed the chickens?
(I think chickens are awesome. When I was a kid, our chickens used to follow me around, lol, brings back good memories.)
Sometimes I ask myself - how would I live if nothing changed except that I wouldn't have to put up with the frustration and irritations caused by the A (or my reactions to the A)? In the past, one way I detached was to pretend that he was my brother, not my husband!! Sounds corny, but it worked! My expectations changed.
I think the self absorption of the a can drive me crazy at times. That is one reason why for me it is so so crucial for me to focus on me and my needs. I try to set reasonable goals for myself rather than unreasonable ones. I am good at setting the latter.
I also have pets and most of the time I have to say their care gets left to me. I adore them and they are one of the things that keeps me with the A on some levels. I try to be patient with myself.
Take care and be nice to yourself. Work on patience and letting go of frustration. We can all go crazy with frustration.
Part of recovery, for both of you, is in learning to deal with conflict in a healthy way. There is no need to tiptoe around him, just because he is working on his sobriety. He needs to know when he is being an ass, and face the logical consequence - you are annoyed. I see nothing wrong with saying something like "I don't like it when you imply that I am not responsible. What have I done lately that was irresponsible?" "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean" - nowhere in there does it say "Don't say it at all".
My kids are old enough to help out with the animals and I have started to get them to help me. I also talked with him about what was irritating me this weekend. So I am learning not to hold it in (which is good). Anyway, a new has started and I'm hoping for a good one. That will have a lot to do with my attitude I'm sure, but I'm gonna get there!!
