The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At present my ex-A isstaying with me, a couple of black moods but up and down as usual, he goes out every night and before I would have gone mad about this, I do not now. He is acting perfect, cooking, paying his share, this is unusual behaviour and I do everything that I would do if he was not there and am courteous. I do find it hard not to tell him what to do all the time and a friend of ours died last night of oesaphagal cancer, I did go to see him tuesday and had never seen him alcohol free until that night. Boy he was such a nice guy without the booze, really humble and not arrogant at all. How different his life could have been was all I thought on leaving. I know I should not take inventories but he was so sweet to the nurses and I thought this guy's was ruined with drink and cigarettes. I am glad I went to see him, I had not planned to as I run away from some of life's hard things, especially illness. I am hoping my efforts at detachment will continue as I have got to put more time down with this at present.
It's truely amazing what can happen when we learn to detatch! Detatching turned my whole world around! Surprising as it may seem, I got to the point that I actually didn't care if he drank or not. I loved him, even the drunken idiot him, because I knew it was the booze making him that way.
It was the beggining of a whole new world for us. We had been through some pretty awful times, most of you have been there, done that, or are there right now. We see a lot of the despair on this board, we need this board and each other so much, especially when you know there are people who can so relate to what you're going through, a place where you can let it all out, and feel so much better having done it with people who know what you're going through and really love you.
But.. there are also success stories, the stickin with it, fighting for it, and coming out on top stories.I don't talk about it very often, because I have had the feeling that some people think I am gloating. Believe me, I am not telling my story to make people feel worse! I tell my story to show that there can HOPE, there can be HAPPINESS, living with an A.
Oh yes, there is always the wondering how long it will last, etc., but I live one day at a time, in the good times as well as the bad. Today, I am very happy.
When I look back, at the horrible times, and when the changes started taking place for the better, it all started with my learning to detatch. It may not work for everybody, but it did work for me. I thank HP for this board and the wonderful people here who encouraged me, sympathized with me, loved me and gave all those cyber-hugs and prayers.
If I can give just one person hope that it can and will get better, I have accomplished what I came here tonight for. Praying for you all, my friends, with much love and TLC.
Nothing worked for me until I learned how to detach. Last night, my AH blasted me by telling me that I tell him what to do all the time.
That's his perception so I no longer take it as truth. I just
"stop!", got dressed and went to a meeting with a group I've gotten involved with.
I came home when I wanted to, was polite, got dressed for bed and watched TV for a while. (he accuses me of watching TV "all the time")
My detachment isn't always perfect but I've learned that when I do my best, that's good enough.
I'm much happier than I was before I learned to detach in ALANON. My first way of detaching was with the "meat cleaver!" Not good detachment, but better than none!
I used to make a nasty remark, then try to walk out the door. That didn't work really well because he grabbed my keys. Then, I learned to pin an extra set of keys to my bra. That worked in that I could get away, but was afraid to come back.
The first healthy detachment for me was to be polite and keep a softer voice no matter what came out of his mouth. Not easy, but the more I did it, the better it worked.
What I regret most is the time I've lost (years) in getting to the point that I'm at (a reasonably content life). I do realize though that I was one sick puppy and that it's been worth it to be where I'm at now. So the "weller" I get, the fuller my life becomes, and my regrets get smaller.
I've been thinking this some about the A's mother who I used to be so so angry at. This last visit she made was ok for me. I think it was for the A. I used to so want the A to recover on my terms. I would feel the feelings for him. I wanted to set the timetable the whole works.
These days he is expressing a lot of feelings about his mother. I listen but say very little. I am not disinteresetd but I do not process my feelings about her with him. I also don't set a timetable for him.
I hope over time I can evolve. The more detached I am and the more I can see the big picture the better it is for me. Of course that was impossible for me before but now it is not.
