The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just been thinking lately and wanted to share a bit with you.
I spent years, many years not knowing what was wrong with me. Why was I different to other people in some respects. I was able to keep a job and a home and appeared sensible to the outside world. Yet, something was very wrong. I was unable to have a healthy relationship. (I'm still working on this!) I was unhappy with myself. There was unrest in my soul....for years. Even now, this is difficult to explain.
Anyway, eventually, I heard the word co dependant. It didn't mean anything to me, I didn't even understand the word. My self esteem was very low. This was a big shock to me!
I grew up in an Afamily and went on to have relationships with As. Still didn't realise. This was what was normal to me.
Gradually, I started to see other people, namely my sisters (who also grew up with theA) didn't live with the chaos that was in my life. Somehow they weren't affected like me!!? I knew something was not quite right.
I lived with my A and tried to live with the disease, tried to play the bargaining game! LOL. How foolish and how sad....for years....
Anyway, I now know the power of the disease. And I know I am absolutely powerless. I give in. I know that bargaining with a powerful, cunning, baffling disease is a waste of my time and energy. I can not win. I now know I am growing and the necessary pain of this growth can seem too much to bear some days, but for me I got to a stage where I handed it over to my HP. This was/is my freedom.
The reason I am posting this is that I am frustrated that I spent so long not knowing, so long trying to make sense of it all, and wasted so many years bargaining with the illness of addiction. Wasted time!.....I know of course that this is a necessary step in the recovery process. I know we have to realise for ourselves, and I know in pain there is often healing.
But, having been through it. I can now see that I was very hard on myself. Maybe if I had had a light shined in my eyes earlier, I wouldn't have wasted so much time, so much of my precious life. I was always looking for answers, reasons , but looking in the wrong places it seems.
I see people on this board who are where I spent so long...but at least you are here...in the right place....a place where you will find love and support.
I hope you all learn easier than me. Make friend with your HP, he will carry you forward.
Thank you very much. I too have a hard time putting into words exactly what it is that made me realize.....this alcohol is more powerful than me. Holy Connoli Batman.....I there are many things more powerful than me. Which to me means...I can't fix it. Once I let go of it...I am free.
Did a lot of time get wasted? I wouldn't say wasted for me....I would say I did a lot of growing and that was what it took to get the full lesson of insanity.
