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Well this is kind of a HOHum week. I feel like I am dealing well with the issues at hand and hubby is going to meetings 2 and 3 times a day and has a sponsor and is taking a much more active role in really wanting to beat this thing!! However he is having a hard time with the fact that he has missed so much of his life....or basically was high through so much of it!! He took his first hit when he was 12yrs old!!!! He is beating himself up over his addiction. His worries are what mine were a week ago....the WHAT IFs!!!! He is terrified that we will grow appart and separate. He is scared that he wont like the person he is but most of all I wont!! I told him what helped me NOT dwell on the past or future and it seemed to help some, but he is terrified I am going to leave and quite frankly cant understand WHY I am with him!!!! I feel for him cause I know he is going through a difficult time right now, but I am trying to keep my distance at the same time. I realize that he has to do for HIM, he has to come to the realization NOT me telling him how I did it!! It has to come to him. He has to open his heart and mind to his HP and surreneder his volitile thoughts!! HE is progressing, but you can tell he is bothered some.
I have seen some BIG changes in him, good ones, since he has been sober, he is more patient, and seems less stressed but the biggest one and this may sound strange, but he feels and smells so different!!!! I mean he is still smoking cigarettes but something about the pills and pot made him smell and feel different!!!! And all of a sudden I feel more attracted to him, I felt like I was loosing that attraction and I did not really want to be lovy dovy....things this week have changed!! I feel a very strong attraction, almost stronger than when we first met, and all I want to do is be lovy dovy!! I dont know if I am digging a ditch by being nieve and just wanting to love him, or if we are both really changing for the best!! It is strange cause I feel more detatched but closer!! Make sence???? I actually have notice that I am crying less when I see or hear something sad!! I mean I BALL in things like bambi or even er!!!! I cry at the news....I am pathetic!! I have not cried I think since last week!!!! I have seen some sad things too....yeah I feel bad but I dont cry!!
I still have not made it to another face to face meeting....I dont know why!! I feel good and happy and I think I am scared of feeling sad and reopening a wound!!!! I mean part of the healing is moving on and not dwelling on the past....I feel like there I am locked in a room with it, and I dont want that!! What is done is done and I can do 1 or 2 things....dwell and make myself miserable and think about what I should of, could have, would have and make myself ill!! OR I can make peace with it and say what is done is done, lets move on and make things right and learn from what has been done!!!! I want to move on!! I want to get back to life and just have it back!! I want to be happy!! I am happy!!Maybe it is a bad way of thinking about it but that is how i see it!! I dont know if any of this is making sence or not!! I dont know if you guys ever feel this way or if this is just part of the cycle!!!! I have NEVER been here before and it is uncharted waters!!!! I just want to move on and put this behind us!! Is that wrong??
I think you're realizing that alcholism carries with it a great deal of drama. Now that the source of your drama, your alcholic, is "normalizing" your life is "normalizing." It would be wise of you at this point to continue working on your own program. To continue to work with a sponsor on the steps at this time would be paramount.
A visual: A councelor once said that alcholism the family disease is a moblie, with the alcholic as the center weight. If the alcholic worsens, the mobile (family members, and others close to the alcholic) begins to spin faster toward it, trying to control the alcholic. If the alcholic improves, the mobile spins faster away (having no life of their own, they have no balence, no sense of self, and lose themselves in the new life).
Hooohum ehh... to me, hohum is better than the drama filled - walking on eggshells life. I can empathize with your A's fear. Those fears can be and probably are pretty true and real. Although you are keeping your distance (applause***applause***self care), I would encourage that open and honest communication. It is okay to talk about the fears, the changes you see, the changes you like, the changes you don't like, etc., but with that, I think you owe yourself the time and self care of going to a meeting. I leave meetings holding a serenity that lasts, knowing I've taken another step, however big or small, in the direction of recovery -- and truly knowing myself better.
I also wanted to mention that there is a lot of great literature about living in "today". The past and the future are both very dangerous places for my mind to go. I remind myself to live in today, taking one day at a time. I trust in my HP that my path will be what will be, and to continuing walking it. Keep coming back for ESH -- for me, it makes walking my path a lot more serene and happy with all of you walking next to me.
much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
The thing about the past, though, is if you truly have NOT come to terms with it, it keeps coming up and biting you you know where.
I have found that talking honestly out loud about some things that were really painful, then having a cry, takes away much of their power. The next time I think about that thing, it doesn't hurt as much. Some episodes in the past take several trips through this process, and some seem to be resolved the first time around. What we want to end up with is the ability to look clearly at the past, learn its lessons, but not dwell on it.
I know that the only things about my husband's bad drinking years that still have the power to hurt me when I think about them are the ones that I can't bring myself to share with anyone. Most of these have a lot of shame attached, shame that I allowed such actions. I doubt if I will ever truly come to terms with them until I can face the emotions involved. That does not mean, however, that I need to do it all today. I can get there when I'm ready.
Living in the moment is surely the way to go. I know this... when I get that feeling that everything's going pretty well, and it seems like my A and I are doing well...after all, who needs to go to a meeting when all is well?...that's when I DO need meetings! I know from past experience that life is a roller-coaster ride, and if I have the "highs", then I'm surely going to have the "lows" again. It's inevitable.
For me, going to meetings is not to re-live everything that my A's done. It's to get the ESH that I need to have another "high" day. In Alanon, we aren't supposed to focus on the A and what they've done ~ we are supposed to focus on US and gain the courage to take care of ourselves. Listening to how others have made it through the unbearable times is what Alanon is all about to me.
I'd encourage you to not give up on the idea of going to meetings just because everything is pretty good with you and your A right now. It's kind of like insurance for those "low" times. And it sure is nice to get that boost of confidence that going to meetings gives you!
Love,
Kathi
~ I did want to add that I have in the past felt the same way that you feel. It's not an odd thing to not want to relive those old painful feelings. You are not alone in your feelings.
