I wanted to share my success story!  Well, I haven't been here in months, but I do think of you all often and feel so thankful for all of support that I received here.  I was posting under sunny123 and logged in as Little Bit in the chat room.  Like most here, there were times when I couldn't see a way out and lived minute to minute not knowing how or if I would survive.  I remember coming here when I had nowhere else to turn and needed someone to just understand when I thought no one could or would.  Friends can be so supportive, but if they have never been with an A, they can't fully understand the horror and complexity of the situation.  It is often unexplainable frankly.

My A and I had been together for 13 years -- since I was 19.  My entire life was built around him and I thought we would be together forever.  He like most A's and all people with issues has a great soul.  He is not violent, makes a great living, is a literal genius and is very dynamic and supportive.  However, he is an A and refuses to admit or get help.  He has all the classic signs and behaviors of an A -- coming home late, anxiety, depression, staying out all night, slurring, stumbling, drinking 5-6 nights a week, spending tons of booze, will do anything as long as drinking is involved, manipulating, etc. 

He didn't take too kindly to me putting my foot down and telling him the drinking had to stop and that I would never have children in the situation (he desperately wanted children.)  He asked for a divorce and moved forward with separation even though I was in the middle of finals and our lease was up in 1 month and I had no job.  He told me I was selfish and that everything was about me, me, me.  He kept repeating how I didn't get him dinner one night and how he would have done that for me.  Of course I never would not have come home for dinner and stayed out drinking until 3AM on a weekday.  Whenever I took a stand he turned it around on me.  He just packed up the few things he wanted and moved out leaving me to deal with the rest.  He turned off my phone, cut me off the bank account, insurance, etc. Everytime I got over one thing, I had a new blow.  I just couldn't catch my breath.  I also had to find the energy to create a portfolio in order to get a job.  The entire thing was one big nightmare.

I was lucky enough to have found a counselor nearby who specialized in Alcoholism.  She talked to my ex-A and hit right on his Alcoholism -- something 4 different counselors failed to do.  They all saw the drinking as just one aspect of our problems and not the core.  This counselor saw it as the core and something rotting our entire relationship.  She tried to get him help, but he rejected it and tried to prove a point by stopping on his own.  This was another of his manipulations -- and it kind of worked because it did confuse me at times.  The whole thing was sad because there were brief moments of lucidity where he seemed scared and talked about his fear of being in too far. 

I went on antidepressants and that was sooooo helpful.  I know it is not for everyone, but in my case it was a dream.  I could eat and sleep after a month or so on them, but started to feel some relief in a few weeks.  I was getting my strength back and boy did I need it since I had mountains of things to take care of and in fact am still tackling some now. The pain began to dull just a little and FINALLY when I was ready to face the facts I did: my life is valuable and the person close to me is making me as sick as they are.  I acknowledged that I could not allow myself to become more sick.  I decided to cut all contact because I realized that was the only way to get well.  Sobriety is for us too!  I needed to get sober.  I prayed, cried, talked, talked, talked and stayed as busy as possible.  I also just focussed on one thing at a time.  I didn't feel guily using my friends to help me get through the day or hour or minute because I know that I would be so blessed to have the chance to do that for them.

So, here I am 6 months after moving out.  I have a deep saddness inside for what was, what could have been and what I lost.  But, I am also realistic that the relationship was unhealthy and was getting worse as my A sunk deeper into his drinking.  I wish he could have chosen me over the drinking, but I know that it wasn't his choice.  He is sick just like most of the men in his family.  I also know that I was sick and getting sicker too.

Some of you told your stories and gave me tips and shared where my life was headed if I didn't act quickly.  Those words were absolute blessings when at the time they were sometimes hard to hear.  I just want you all to know that I am shedding tears of joy for all the kind people here who reached out to help someone they didn't know and will most likely never meet.  I felt you all pulling for me and eventually I rose up and started feeling hopeful and looked for the blessings in all the pain and darkness.  Eventually I saw the light and it has gotten brighter and brighter. 

I am working now, am off my antidepressants, am divorced, found an apartment, have a new boyfriend (who coincidently or not doesn't drink) and am basically feeling better.  Once I got away, I realized the burden I was carrying around for my A.  Now I managed to hand him back his problems that he and frankly his family (who I loved also) put on my shoulders.  I realized my shoulders couldn't hold the weight of the world which is what living with an A can feel like.  I never have to worry about where my A is and is he okay.  I can just sleep at night and just be.  I look for joy in the small things

I know that I will always carry this experience with me for good or bad.  I just hope that I can help someone in some little way and share a little hope that it does get better and you can do it.  There is a better life in sobriety.  Life is difficult enough without the added burden of living with an A.  I know I will probably have to work a long time or frankly forever to deal with what I have been through, but it still beats staying in the situation.  Struggles are still ahead of me but I know that I have a strength and support that goes far deeper and far wider than I could have imagined.

If I could share just one thing it would be that there are good people out there and there is a whole new life that you can never imagine just waiting for you if you want it.

Hugs to everyone!

Sunny