The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What does it mean " we can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not" How do you do that? I know the company lines....
Detach, detach, detach...
Keep the focus on me
Do the next right thing....
I guess the real thing I need to look at is acceptance, what am I willing to accept???
Am I willing to accept the following...
Lies
Financial worries
Full responsibility of our children
Irresponsible behavior
Innappropriate modeling of behavior to two very impressionable boys
Two hours of sleep and only getting back to sleep by repeatedly praying just the first line of the Serenity prayer..."God grant me serenity so I can get some sleep"
Disappearing for hours at a time without the courtesy of a phone call
Staying out all night
Regular trips to hospitals
Setting boundaries for acceptable behavior when really I am setting boundaries to protect myself from unacceptable behavior
Oh and again... the LIES
I guess I could go on and on......I just don't see how anyone can accept a life like this and actually be happy... How does one do that????
This is where I am today...Sure could use some ESH
Well, Lynn that idea is lost on me too. I could never be happy legally entangled with anyone who would put me in any kind of harm's way. Happy with lies and deceit??? Happy whether he drinks or not??? Nope, not me. His unacceptable behavior could have cost me an enormous price, so I divorced him. Life is much more relaxed for me now. We are together as long as he's sober. When he decides to take a three-day binge, he's on his own...and I'm HAPPY this way!!!!
I continue to try to understand the philosophy of being happy living with an active A, but it just isn't sinking in.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:42, 2007-01-18
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have to agree. I guess I detached so much I could finally let go and got a divorce. Now I am starting clean and leaving his illness for him and his family to deal with. His parents are devastated.
However I can understand when people are in a financial or other situation where encouraging them to leave might not be the best idea. Plus, what about children living with A parents? I was lucky because I have a great education, tons of emotional support and my ex-A is not violent. I didn't however have a place to live, a job, many friends nearby or any idea how I would survive financially or emotionally. Though it was my husband's idea to divorce, with the support of my family and friends I realized I deserved more. Life is difficult, but also so beautiful. Living with an alcoholic and learning to detach for the rest of my life was not a choice I could live with. Who wants to be detached from a spouse -- the one person who should be there for you more than anyone in the world?
I am reminded of my first job at Sears and Roebuck. Every time I wanted to give a customer a reduction on the merchendise, sign their cupons, do SOMETHING other than simply, ahem, have them sign the sales slip, I had to get management approval. I had to get permission to my job.
How does it feel to be a slave to a disease? In the context of my story, how can I do my job if I'm always calling my manager to DO it?
The way you have "happiness whether the alcholic is drinking or not" is you start building your own life. I got involved in water aerobics and the YMCA. I auditioned for, and got a part in THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES that our university is putting up (THE WEEKEND OF MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!). I got involved in the rape awareness and prevention campaigns on our campus.
One of the ladies I know--her son is in prison for his drinking--took to quilt making. She now supports herself because quilt making was the only thing she could do while she sat in court, listenig to the judge, going through the legal ups and downs, and feeling like a failure as a mom. I understand quite a few of her works have won "best in show."
A gentleman I know took up golf. Every time he'd get a call from his son, he'd go to the hitting range. Rain, snow, ice, heat wave, he'd just HIT BALLS. He took 20 strokes off his game by the time his son was sent to prison.
Another woman I know took to working on the children's committee at her church. Her big thing is vacation bible school. The rest of the year, she makes it a point to make sure the single mothers get their bills paid, the single fathers see their kids, the divorcing families don't strangle eachother in the process...she tries to give the families of alcholic dysfunction the love and attention she didn't get when she was growing up, or when she was married to an alcholic.
You stop focusing on yourself. You stop pitying yourself. You realize this too shall pass. You live in the now as best you can. You put one foot in front of the other when you can't do more than that.
And you pray. Keep up with your sponsor and the steps. Keep up with your home group.
I was thinking about this just today, actually. For the last three years he was drinking, I actually was pretty happy, so I'll tell you how and why it worked for me.
First of all, there were a few things going for us that not everybody here has - he always was a good provider, and he was a pretty good dad (absent a lot, but loving when he was around, mostly). I am a person who does not get lonely easily, and I have a lot of inner resources - I don't mind being alone for long periods of time, for instance.
So, what happened with us, is, for a combination of reasons, he stopped being verbally abusive when drunk. It was mostly a change in my behaviour, a realization on his part that he would be losing me and the kids very soon if the abuse continued, and a small miracle (The miracle was - one night he came in drunk late at night. He had been in the habit of waking me up to scream at me for a few hours every time this happened, maybe three or four times a week. I heard him come in, but instead of coming to bed, he stumbled around for a while, and then passed out on the couch. In the morning, instead of our usual morning-after routine - ME: Here's what you did last night you jerk HIM: I don't remember anything, and anyway I wouldn't do it if you'd get off my back....blah blah...Anyway, instead of this, since I had had a good night's sleep and had nothing to be upset about, the morning was fine, so he came home after work instead of going to the bar to think about how horrible I was, and the next time he came in drunk he fell aleep on the couch again, and again it worked better. So the miracle was that first night on the couch)
Once the screaming stopped, everything calmed down several notches. I had realized that there was something very wrong with him, that his behaviour was not my fault, and so stopped worrying so much about it. I stopped waiting for him to come home before doing things, I started going out and having some fun on my own. The kids got older, so it wasn't such a worry to leave the aalone or get a babysitter. The happier the kids and I got, the less pressure he felt, and he eased up. I never did care if he ws drunk, I just wanted him not to be horrible to me.
It's not easy but it is possible. I too chose to stay in my marriage I started by reconecting with friends and made new ones in this program I started to out to movies with my girlfriends and out for supper . Try new things to develop hobbies ,go back to school if that is what u would like to do .
I had so many relationships to fix i was really busy for along time , first reconnecting with my kids learning to enjoy them again that was possible once I got the focus off the alcoholic. I continued to do the wifey things cook clean bills etc and of course be there for our kids. like has already been said as I learned to set boundaries , I no longer listened to tirades from a drunk i would walk away and that was easy for me as I never had to worry about physical abuse . He soon learned that if your gonna holler I am leaving .
I had to learn to be my own best friend again . Do a little for me . yeah Iwould rather have been doing those things with my husb but at the time he was not available . So I had a choice sit and watch him drink and be miserable or let him be and get happy. 2 yrs later my husb decided to join me in reovery. Lots of changes in our home . and I could only do this one day at a time, and alot of help from fellow members of this program
Yeah, I have trouble understanding this too. I now know that I cannot live with an activeA. It drains my spirit, and makes me ill. I just can not do it.
I know people do, and manage to have happy lives regardless of what theA is doing.
I agree so much with Tiger, the key is to stop focussing on yourself. Stop obsessing, and start taking practical steps towards creating a life for yourself, a life that you can live with happily.
What I learned is that my happiness was in my control. I didn't realize that I had put so many conditions on my happiness. I'd be happy if...he'd change, act right, help more, see all the weight I now have to carry, the hurt he caused our children (and still does) etc. I'd be happy if only someone else would change....it doesn't work that way.
Life is so far from perfect, but that doesn't mean we can't have joy or happiness in our life. What Alanon has done for me is allowed me to stop focusing on all the "if onlys" and look at what I actually do have in my life. What happened is that nothing changed with my A, not finacially, emotionally or any other way. What changed was my perspective. I had exactly the same life, only now I have laughter, joy and happiness. Weird thing is that I could have had it all the time....because nothing has changed, except me.
We can spend so much time looking at our woes in life, looking to others to create our happiness, and picking at old wounds that do nothing but continue to hurt us that we can't see the gift this life has for us. Yes, it's possible to have happiness while the A is active. Because it is an inside job. It's up to you. You have a choice, stop giving someone else control over your happiness. You are worth it. No this won't change your A, it won't change your bills, but it will allow you to see the many joys that you are over looking at this moment.
All I can say is that it has happened for me, I see it in many in the Alanon fellowship, ones you wouldn't think have gone thru incredible pain from their situation w/ their A. Having lost children, spouses or friends to this disease. Having lost homes, finacial security, ect. Yet they laugh, they have happiness, serenity and joy. It really is possible. It has a great deal to do with gratitiude, in these rooms you can find many who have gone thru a hell that I know I'd rather not trade my form of hell for .... yet I see their happiness. It's an inside job.
Please understand that that doesn't mean we all walk around skipping and singing. There are days, but over all, I know that I have a happiness that I didn't have before.
I think every A is different and what people are willing to tolerate is different. I think a lot of people stay for the money or security but if your A is constantly going to jail, getting fired or spending the paycheck on drugs and alcohol it is almost impossible to detach from that. I guess it comes down to how reliant you are on the A. Luckily I had a job and could walk away with only minor financial suffering (like not having to go to a shelter etc.) Many are not in that position and have nowhere else to go. I'm not sure how people do it. I agree with you fully, I see my husband as the person I should be able to trust and rely on more than anyone else and he is untrustworthy and unreliable. I can't do it, well I guess I could I did it for almost seven years twice but I don't want to anymore! That's what it comes down to.
It's an interesting question. I know that I couldn't and won't live with an active alcoholic. I was so miserable and afraid to come home. Not because he would hurt me. He was a very quiet passed out drunk, most of the time. I just didn't want to live with the uncertainty of coming home and finding him passed out or mixing his legal meds with the booze. Call me selfish, but I will not die for his disease.
With the help of Alanon I was able to make a decision and found the support I needed. Hubby is now sober 8 months today! He works his program and I work mine. I need the program more now than I did when he was drinking. The dynamics of a sober marriage are different from that of an active one.
I am amazed and encouraged that some people can do what they do. More power to them. For me happiness starts from within. And it came down to I was lonlier with hubby than without him when he was active. He was physically here, but long gone in other ways. I wasn't happy. I had to know that I could make decisions that were in the best interest of me without feeling guilty about it. That is one of the best gifts this program has given me.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 18:51, 2007-01-21
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Lynn
He works his program and I work mine. I need the program more now than I did when he was drinking. The dynamics of a sober marriage are different from that of an active one. 
