The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a very perplexing couple of years in dealing wth yet another view of the affects of the disease of alcoholism within the family. It has been four years since my ah and I have separated yet during the course of that time our 13 yo son has picked up where his father has left off. Even armed with the knowledge that children of alcoholics and drug users are four times more likely to develop the same disease, it is still a sad reality to see these affects begin at such a young age. I can see in my son many of the same traits his father has. Caught up in the disease and yet so desperatly in need of approval. Yesterday during an espisode of American Idol one of the contestants was successful in going through to the next round. This contestant called his mom who couldn't be there to let her know... when he finished the call he fell to the floor on his knees in tears becasue his mother said she was proud of him. The look on my son's face was priceless.... that look of longing to be able to make me proud of him.
My son is on probation for a crime he committed last year. Yet, in meeting with his probation officer at school yesterday was honest when his PO asked him the last time he used anything. He told him that he smoked on Monday. I had my suspicions, yet didn't have the cash to go pick up a test kit myself. He was nervous but came home from school and told me about his conversation with his PO. He said that he agreed with his PO that he has an addiction problem and that he would be open to receiving therapy. This is a huge difference from the past year where he has been very closed minded in dealing with a counsler and psychiatrist. My son also shared with me that as he was talking to his PO that he was thinking to himself that he had become his father. I see that as a good sign, because it shows that he is self-evaluating his-self, which means that denial is beginning to chisel away.
As a parent, I know that within myself I deal in wondering if I'm doing the best I can as his parent. My three older children are all either married or working full time jobs and have graduated from High School. Sometimes I find myself exhausted after years of trying to "force" my ah to become somebody other than who he is (acceptance is so much easier) .... that I don't have the desire to be a "prison guard" with my son. Yet, I also know that I am powerless, and that even if I keep him forever grounded that this is a cunning, baffeling and powerful disease. I know that I cannot as a single working mom keep him from doing all the things I don't want him to. One day at a time is all I truly know to keep sanity alive within myself.
We do the best we can as parents with what we know at the time. Give yourself credit for all that you are doing for him. Being a parents of a recoverying alcoholic/drug addict at 22, I know how hard that time in my daughter's life was for me. I think it is great that he has a PO. He has someone to answer to then. What I learned is the hard thing for them is making non-using friends. They are so pressured by peer pressure at younger ages. Being involved in NA and AA is a good thing if they chose to let it help them. My best friends son is 21 and just went to prison. He has been in treatment 2 times, one in highshcool. I feel so bad for the family but for the kid, that is hopefully his bottom. I find too that our kids are both parents. Know that your son is part of you too and will pick up that good/repsonsible part. He is not the total of his dad. He is you too.
Keep showing him unconditional love. He has a disease and it is with him for a lifetime. Seperate the disease from your son. With a mom like you, eventually, the son you once knew will emerge in his and his HPs time. fluffy:)
