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Something I read in the ODAT reader the other day that maybe I just didn't understand or didn't know was the A'ism is the not the cause of the personality flaws, but its the personality flaws that cause the A'ism. The topic for that day was just because someone gets sober doesn't mean the A or the spouse stops working hard to change emotionally. Basically said if two people are willing to work hard on themselves and the emotional conflict within themselves then growth can happen, but if not then they will be at a standstill.
So if personality flaws set off the A'ism its something way deeper inside the person that causes the drinking to start in the first place. Is mental health considered a personality flaw, eg. Borderline Personality Disorder? If the A stops drinking or using,doesn't want program, but agrees to counseling, can this expose those personality flaws?
What I'm noticing this week out of our heart to heart discussion on Monday was my AH has said he doesn't want to use marijuana as much anymore after he agreed to do individual counseling to address his anger and other emotions. He expressed to me that when he feels happy he doesn't feel the need to get high. My thought was if a person works to change the inside and deal with those personality flaws does it put this disease in remission? I know there is no cure for A'ism, but will his desire to get high or drunk lesson as he grows emotionally? My fear is that exposing these flaws may cause him to run for the hills and use again or get drunk. Can I really be pissed if he does relapse over therapy? One session at a time I guess. Our next session is Thursday. My prayer is for both of us to stay open minded and peaceful during this session.
Any ESH from A's or Alanoners welcome.
Living One Day At A Time
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
i've always thought of it like "what comes first...the chicken or the egg". my ex ah has bipolar disorder. but did he drink because of the mental illness or did the mental illness come about because of the drinking and drugs? or was it something to do with the atmosphere he was raised in? his dad, sister and 2 uncles have bipolar disorder....and they are all alcohoic. not even the professionals could give me a straight answer! and it matters to me because we have kids. i do watch for signs of mental illness and my oldest goes to alateen. i just try not to project. i think that alcoholics drink just like fish swim. it is natural for them to do it and it is hard as hell to fight it and change. but alot do with a great desire to stop and get healthy. and someone with a mental illness who takes care of it can lead a normal healthy life. but that is all up to the person. i know i can't run in front of the a putting pillows in his path so that if he happens to stumble and fall he will land softly. no one does that for me. i have to do it for myself. when my ex ah and i were in marriage councling and he was in the program, sober and sane the sessions were very productive for both of us and we learned alot and changed alot. but his disease was only in remission and at some point he had some excuse to go out and use. i can't remember right now if it was something the counciolr said about his childhood or how he treated me and the kids in the past or it might have been it was rainy out, the dog barked that morning, a friend of mine called unexpectedly, we were having a baby, or my mother gave us a present that he didn't like. they have every excuse in the book to drink. but what it comes down to is me. what am i going to do? how do i want to live?
There are so many that have found out that removing the drug/alcohol doesn't make it all better. I believe that for most that there are other things going on -- to what degree, who knows. To many times I've heard A's in sobriety say, I never felt like I belonged, never felt comfortable -- always felt different, and that Alcohol made that better. So they were masking.
I guess understanding that is good, only I've found that there really is no 100% way I'll ever understand. You said "My fear is that exposing these flaws may cause him to run for the hills and use again or get drunk. Can I really be pissed if he does relapse over therapy?" What this is is fear. It's almost like saying okay, it's better than it was, should we leave it alone or try to make it even better. That's control, you really don't have that much control. If your A wants to address these issues, let him -- on his own. If he is not ready/willing to address those things don't push, and if addressing these issues leads to a slip in his sobriety, that is beyond your control.
Leave this in HP's hand, ask Him for direction. Try not to control this situation. If you are pushing for this counseling, and your A is receptive be supportive, but let his sessions be his, and his sobriety be his. Remember that HP can do a much better job if we back off and let him.
Serenity is on the right track, twin mom. It is a "chicken/egg" fiasco, because, she's right, professionals puzzle themselves how it is that some alcholics come from violent, alchol laden homes, and others come from the Cleaver family.
But I also agree with Luna. Rather than searching for a Why reason, it might be wise to let God handle the logistics here. Let god take care of the quirks of this mess. In light of the massive amount of millions of funding that is spent on understanding the mental illness associated with brain chemistry, working on the things one can change, oneself, is a wise first step.
I know how you feel and I understand what you are asking. I have been trying to put a response together, but nothing is coming out right. So I will just say that therapy isn't going to cause your ah to go out and use/drink--it may be his excuse, but it's not the reason.
Whether he is bipolar-has always been or if he turned into due to the drinking/drugs-who knows. My husband has those tendencies too. If he is truly bipolar I'm not sure we will ever know. I know I will watch the children closely. I also know that when he gets really upset, I've stopped trying to do anything about it. I just sit back and watch him and he comes back around. (Sooner now than before.) He will even say, well I lost my serenity--we never fully recover you know (his favorite line!).
Anyway-I'm not sure any of this was helpful-just know you are not alone. I wish you luck. Just keep praying to HP and saying your serenity prayer.
Hello twin , to me the questions u are asking can only be answered by the alcoholic -once clean and sober he has a choice to take care of the personality problems that cause him problems. I was told that a alcoholic dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea. I was the old idea !!!!! everyone has to change not just the alcoholic.
The steps I work make it perfectly clear what i need to change to support sobriey . His program and support will take care of his. Sobriety is definetly not the answer to all of our problems but it sure helps. If two people want the same thing and are working together to change thier lives I am told we just might make it.
Changing my character defects is a win win situation , regardless of what he does I become a better person . Louise
I will say that I have read that many A's like counseling as apposed to AA or some other program because they feel that it is easier to manipulate both the counselor (who often don't truly understand A's) and the family that feels better because, "He is in counseling." Frankly, I don't feel counseling is committing to sobriety. It should be in addition to a program.
Plus, part of the OUR disease is worrying about the A all the time. Will counseling cause him to drink? Yes, ANYTHING will cause him to drink. That is why it is alcoholism.
I used to fear my ex would fly off the handle and binge more if his parents died so I can relate about the tip-toeing and worry. This concern is another common aspect of being with an A. I also worried if he was bi-polar. Now looking back, I am not sure it matters. He is sick and until HE truly commits to seek help on all levels, there is nothing I can do to help, protect or guide him. This is his path and I can only worry about staying on mine.
