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I need some......stories. I know people try not to give advice, so I was wondering if any people here could tell me about their experiences living with their A's and some things they did to cope, or "live with it". I'm specificlly talking about when they've gone drinking....what did you do when they got home that night, or even the next day? How did you handle these situations?
My A hasn't drank in about 3 weeks. He was doing good, and I almsot forgot where I was living for a second. We are moving on the 27th and needed every penny we could save for the move. A month or so ago, he ripped his boss off to go drinking and made up some story to him about what happened to the money.....but last week it all kind of blew up in his face and his boss fired him. REALLY bad timing!!! We have already paid our deposit on the new apartment, so now every cent literally has to go towards moving, and I have been trying to sell off some older furniture etc just to get diapers!
Yesterday I thought he was being nice, getting up early with the baby and letting me sleep, but later, I go to take the baby out, and by the exit door, underneath some blankets I had folded there for when I take the baby out, I found about 6 of our Playstation 2 games. He had hidden them there while I was alseep so he could grab them on his way out the door later and I wouldn't see him. His plan, as has happened in the past, was to take them to a pond shop and get money to go drinking with.
I confronted him and got the usual lies, stories, etc. Then later he admitted it and said it was a stupid thing to do. He just finished telling me the day before how excited he was to move, and that he had no desire to drink at all......and I believed him....... because I wanted to. The hidden games served as a reality check for sure.
I guess my point is.....I know him.....and it' coming....the "take off and drink", so I wanted to know if I could hear some of the other stories out there about dealing with it when it happens.
The thing is - he is an active alcoholic. That means that he is gonna drink. The more you just accept that and assume that every time he is late or whatever, he is drinking, the easier it is for you.
If you have made the choice to stay with him right now, then I would say there is no point in doing or saying ANYTHING about the drinking. You are wasting your breath anyway, so just let it go. He knows how you feel, I am sure. I would instead focus on the behaviour he does that adversely affects you - if he is abusive, if he is stealing from you, etc. Set boundaries about the things that matter to you, and let the rest go.
If this is impossible to you, if the mere fact of his drinking is unacceptable, then you need to take a real look at what you are doing there. You cannot change his actions, you can only change yours. You are moving to a new home with a man who will continue to act the way he is acting now. THAT is what you need to think about - your actions, not his.
Your situation right now sounds really familiar to me. I was in the same situation almost 4 years ago with my AH. When the drinking was really bad, he'd take my movies, his CD's, guitars, amps, whatever he felt he could part with to buy pot and alcohol. It was so aggravating and I lost a lot of respect for him. By the time I was expecting our boys, I had moved out and lived with my brother. He had no place to go, no real money to speak of, so he went to his parents and slept on their floor for three months. That really didn't change much. He got into program but only because I threatened him. I basically said if he didn't get sober he could forget about being a father to his children. Little did I know at the time that my threats and manipulation would not work. Eventually we moved into our condo that we are still in and now own. The boys came home from the hospital to a brand new condo and bedroom. It didn't take long before the drinking got out of control. My AH made every excuse in the book to drink. I've had some knock down drag out fights with him while he's drinking. I don't do that anymore. The last time he went out and got trashed was almost 9 months ago. He spent half his paycheck. The reason, I was ready to end the relationship for other reasons besides drinking. He basically saw it as an opportunity to get trashed. When he got home he was sick as a dog green as green could be. He had not had a drink in 6 months before that.
I detached emotionally, left him on the couch in his misery and went to bed. There is nothing you can really do while he's drinking. The morning after is the time to bring up inappropriate behaviors while he was drinking; without judgement and then just walk away. Big thing I learned is not to add to his guilt and frustration about the drinking. My A felt like crap every morning he woke up after a night of hard drinking. He knew how uncomfortable it made me feel, but the things he did while drunk were tearing our family apart. Some things I do is keep busy with things that give me happiness, leave with the kids to a family members house for the evening, go to the mall, movies, or for ice cream. I'd go to a meeting too, I felt like I had a little piece of sanity at a meeting, when I got home I'd detach emotionally and just head for bed. I try to make sure that the kids are getting the normalcy they need, ie staying on schedule, healthy meals, cuddle time, and play time; because when he drank he was not much good to them. Take it one day at a time, and take care of yourself as much as you can.
Hope this helped some.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am going through the same thing right now. My AH has been on a bender for about a week now. He is drunk when I get home from work, drunk or asleep all evening, then still asleep when I leave in the morning. When he calls during the day looking for any compassion, or even just pleasantry, I am at my wits end to control my anger. I do control my anger, however, because I know from past experience that it doesn't help the situation at all. I may get my feelings off my chest, but it usually ends up in a very emotionally charged conversation that changes nothing and leaves us both feeling even worse. So...I employ one of our slogans...Fake it 'til you make it. I do my best to go about the business of my life. I keep myself busy with work, friends, hobbies, and I wait for him to take responsibility for himself because he is the only one who actually can.
One other thing, I try to have no expectations of him regarding alcohol. I have been duped by brief periods of sobriety so many times that I don't hold my breath when they happen anymore. It may sound depressing, but it is better than being surprised by the bitter disappointment of failure.
Well, well...he just called me at the office and said, "I am up, I am sorry, I am going to a meeting today." I just said, "I hope you do," then moved on to other business. I don't want to hear all of his promises, actions speak louder than words.
I don't know if any of this helps, "take what you like and leave the rest," but thank you because it sure helped me! Babysteps
I remember this, after it happened so many times I can't count I got to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I'd cut off all the credit cards and report them stolen and then go on about my day. Spend some extra time with the kids, take them shopping, go to the beach, whatever. Other people thought it was odd that I didn't seem to mind that my husband was "missing" little did they know it wasn't the first time. Sure I was angry and had that gut reaction the moment I realized "it's happeneing again" but finally I just lost hope that he would ever change and left. My life is so much easier now! If it happens again, I don't know about it and I really don't care anymore I don't have to wonder if this will be the night that he doesn't come home. I'm much poorer, but I feel free! Now I look back and wonder why did I tolerate that?
He had not had a drink in 6 months before that. 