The A's mother paid a visit. As some of you will recall I had a lot of feelings around her up and running off in a marriage.  The A spent days cleaning and organizing and gearing up for her visit.  I did very little in terms of talking to him about it.  I used to totally obsess about her and effect on him and her demands.  Now she has been gone for 4 months and her hold is still there.

She demanded that she stay and the A gave up the bed for her. He shivered and shook all night in the living room (which had not been heated - we can barely afford to heat one room).  Then he waited on her hand and foot. He never cooks, beat up a batch of perfect pancakes. He even went so far as to get maple syrup at the store (at my expense of course).  She didn't even say thanks for the hospitality when she left. I no longer rage about her of course because I have done so much work here talking about how I feel about her.

I was so happy this weekend to feel the progress. Her presence would have driven me nuts in the past. I spent many a Christmas, birthday whatever holiday resenting her demands.  Now I do nothing I just watch her effect on the A.

Needless to say as soon as he dropped her off he started raging and he hasn't stopped yet. One thing I have learned a lot about the past few years is intrigue.  I can be as hooked on intrigue as any other addict.  His mother who has never had time for him for as much as a second can hold him totally paralyzed with intrigue.  My family could do it too and I had to do years and years of work to get of the hook.  His mother will promise in vague terms a job.  I used to be so so hooked on "promises". Any man, person or acquaintance could promise something to me in vague terms and I would be hooked in some fantasy about it.  I would hook onto the vagueness like some lifeboat.

So now the A is hooked on his mother's promise and a friend of his promise.  The same friend has had many many vague promises none of which have ever come to anything. Like the A is now I used to obsess day and night about those promises and live for them. Then I would be shattered when it gradually became apparent there was nothing much behind them. I would feel betrayed, angry and lost and then fal into a depression to be resurrected by another intrigue.  Of course I can't say anything to the A he is always in one righteous narcisstic rage after another.  Any little thing sets him off.

So I am glad that I have made progress but I am even more mindful the A has made none.  His emotional world is very very fragile and he is quite depressed and angry all the time.  I say very little but I also hear him for the first time rather than try to sort it all out for him.  I used to be angry at his mother for him and now I know that was quite quite misplaced.  I can't be angry for him he has to work through his own issues with her and I can't do it for him anymore.  In fact my trying to do anything for him just makes it much much worse for me and for him.

Maresie.