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No sugar coating it, my weekend was aweful. Just when I begin to feel secure in my relationship and homelife, my AH turns into a raving lunatic!! This weekend he spent most of the weekend bashing me because he's sick and tired of me talking down to him, talking to him like a child. O.K. that's fair... I'm not always aware that I talk down to him. I'm not a suttle person and can be very harsh I admit that, but there has to a better way of letting me know this. He spinned so many accusations at me that I felt like I'd been through the spin cycle in the washer. I didn't use my tools either. Instead of taking it, I could have chosen to say when you calm down we can talk, or I hear what you are saying and I'll work on it. Unfortunately he was not responding to anything I said, not even the healthy approaches. So, I left with the kids and had a nice afternoon, but my heart and spirit were crushed. I'm not made of steel, even though to him I'm a cast-iron b#@!*. Sunday started out good, but I still felt wounded and just didn't feel safe in letting him know that. By the end of Sunday he became quick to get defensive again over small things. As soon as I show any emotion of hurt he lays into me. The final straw was a huge hurtful remark. He just went for the jugular. So I picked up my purse and left. I stayed in a hotel room that night. I did call to let him know I was not coming home and why. He got very irate, started manipulating trying to scare me, etc. I phoned my brother and asked him to pick up the kids just in case AH does anything rash. I felt bad about leaving them there, but I was just not emotionally equipped to care for them. All I wanted was a hot bath, pray, meditate, read some literature, take care of me and sleep.
My brother was able to calm my AH down and he admitted to my brother that he was not going to do anything rash he was just trying to scare me into calling him back. My brother asked me, doesn't he hear himself when he says things like that and think, wow I must be sick. At that point he is not rational he sees red and just flies off at the mouth.
I have my issues and I think I'm doing the best I can with addressing them. I'm not taking an apathetic attitude like I'll just ignore them and they'll go away. My AH does not think my efforts of recovery are paying off.
So I went home yesterday morning, he left for work. I took the kids to my brother's and my AH and I talked later in the afternoon. We talked calmly finally for the first time in two days. I had to examine my part in all that before I sat down to talk. I realized I was making excuses for how my words offended him. I stated what i wanted, to be spoken to with respect, not verbally abused, etc. He admitted he has an issue with his anger, he's not sure why he gets so reactionary, but says he's willing to go to individual therapy along with our couples meetings. We shall see. What I did let him know is that I don't have to take his bashing. I'll get a room with the kids, go to family etc. Today is much better, maybe we did have a break through yesterday. One thing I've learned about A's is that they go one step forward and two steps back. He desires to be a healthy communicative individual but has no clue how to get there. For me its the action that will count not the words.
I guess it is hard for me not to treat him like a child sometimes. He can do some pretty childish things; which is so frustrating. I just forget to be kind to him, I'm not sure if its because of all the stuff he's done through out our relationship that gets me going, or if I just have this attitude that its o.k. to talk to those I love like that. Like they'll just take it and still love me. Guess I need to explore that better.
Thanks for listening.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know that the motivation to treat people in the same coin that was rendered to me is so so tempting; all I wanted to do was be an a** to people who had treated me like wise. But one of the things I've come to see about people that treat me in poor reguard indeed have poor reguard about their life in general; I think I've really come to see this about my mother. This was a woman who blamed me for my father's alcholism, his sexual violence, his physical abuse; what kind of a person does this? What does this tell you about her, having never met her?
Now, having said that, take what you know personally about your partner and apply it there: can you honestly say he's happy? Can you honestly say that he doesn't consider his drinking a problem? Most alcholics, whether they admit it or not, realize that the alcholism is the "root" of most of their problems, but since it seems to be the only thing in their life they can control, they continue to engage in it. It's a paradox in the most confusing sense: even though technically they can't control their drinking, they feel as if they can; in light of the fact that they feel as if they can't control their drinking, but believe as if they can, they feel as if evernything else is a interruption, uncontrollable and frustrating.
I think we just get to a point where it's friggin old!! I remember when my husband was drinking.. as much as I'd try to implement the program, there were times when it was just so frustrating, aggravating, and infuriating that it was just too difficult to stay in program mode. Man, I had my share of hissy fits. Then I'd feel like I really blew it, but the other part of me would be saying "well, the **^% deserved it". So, I guess what I'm saying is that we are only human. Sometimes the stress can push us over the edge. I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing what I was doing while I was doing it..lol That just pissed me off more. Lord knows we like control!! There I'd be losing it with no control whatsover. If it helps any...I don't do that anymore. I'm more of a "sh*t happens" type of person these days. It takes a whole lot to get me fired up these days.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What a tough weekend. I am so glad that you have a brother who can help out. I can also imagine the kind of exhaustion you felt. I have had my share of exhausting aggravating weekends with the A. I know he is almost all the time in a narcisstic rage and it is very very very tiring to be around it. I think I can also empathise with the A's craving for attention on any level. The A I live with does that.
I am far far far more detached these days. Nevertheless I have to say living with someone who is self destructive is very hard. I have had to look at my own part of course. I had my own rages. I have my own times of saying the wrong thing. I also my own times of getting fed up to the back teeth with it all being about 'him" day and night.
I also know how it is to have the relaxing part in. I finally relaxed a bit because I had some more money. I spent some. My share of the bills is to buy food. The A noticed I bought better food. Did he say anything nope.
I do empathise greatly it is very very difficult to deal with the hissy fits. I am glad you took care of yourself. I would love to go stay elsewhere. I have in time. The A calms down some but is right back where he is was before I know it.
I know for me working my program is the only way to achieve calm around him. I also know that I have had to look at my own rage and need for control very very carefully.
So sorry you had a rough weekend. Hearing you say i didn't use my tools definately rings a bell for me....it can be so hard to know what I could be doing but then find myself reverting to old ways. It can feel like one step forward two steps back for both us and the A's plenty of times.
What I like to remind myself is that I am only human. And I recognize that at least I know what the tools are and I am aware that I am not using them.
It is that place of awareness and uncomfortableness as I react with old patterns, knowing I don't want to anymore, that i seem to grow most from.
Glad you had support from family.
Another response. The tone of voice we use is so powerful. I was queen of harsh tones/words....I have really tried to use words differently. It feels better in my body to speak from a calmer place...I can be just as expressive/hurt/angry etc, but I can use less ragefull words. For me it had a lot to do with looking at my own arrogance and the vulnerability it was trying to cover up.
Might be off the point, but that is what came to mind :)
I am so sorry you had a bad weekend. Kudos to you to get away and take care of yourself. I had plenty of those hotel nights last year, and I absolutely needed them, even though I was a bit frantic and unhappy.
Congratulations also for sitting down with your AH and telling him how you feel. That is really a positive thing to do, and hopefully it will help him think about how he is acting, and the consequences that you told him he would have. It is so tough to be kind to them, I agree, after just about having had enough.
Compassion is so hard to have for an A, but I have found that taking care of myself, and learning to actually love myself, I can be better to myself and to anyone else who crosses my path, and relax and find some peace of mind. It just takes time, more work and more work. Prayer, meditation, and reading. Contact with others in this program.
I pray for you and your family. May your AH find his peace and serenity in recovery, and you find what you need in recovery also...
I didn't use my tools either. Instead of taking it, I could have chosen to say when you calm down we can talk, or I hear what you are saying and I'll work on it. Unfortunately he was not responding to anything I said, not even the healthy approaches. So, I left with the kids and had a nice afternoon, but my heart and spirit were crushed. I'm not made of steel, even though to him I'm a cast-iron b#@!*. Sunday started out good, but I still felt wounded and just didn't feel safe in letting him know that. By the end of Sunday he became quick to get defensive again over small things. As soon as I show any emotion of hurt he lays into me. The final straw was a huge hurtful remark. He just went for the jugular. So I picked up my purse and left. I stayed in a hotel room that night. I did call to let him know I was not coming home and why. He got very irate, started manipulating trying to scare me, etc. I phoned my brother and asked him to pick up the kids just in case AH does anything rash. I felt bad about leaving them there, but I was just not emotionally equipped to care for them. All I wanted was a hot bath, pray, meditate, read some literature, take care of me and sleep.