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OMG it's been a weekend...But I want to talk to you anyway, so here goes.
I swore when I left Wittenberg behind me I was gonna have a whole new life, a whole new being, a whole new thinking. A whole new...yeah. That idea? hasn't panned out. I'm finding out the more "writing intensive classes" I'm in, the more I'm finding myself in a position I was in @ Witt: I can't find the darn words to say what I know! They don't come out right, they don't say it right, they aren't formal enough, and it's like, huh?
I tell myself, "What if you were putting this paper together for someone in Al anon?" "What if you were talking about this to someone in program?" It's like "Well, duh!" It's like "Well, duh!" because I have rest of my life to keep trying to get these concepts, to keep trying to apply these concepts, to keep trying to live these concepts. I'm allowed to make mistakes here because I'm human! I'm not perfect by precursor! I'm supposed to keep coming back!
On the other hand....a quarter is 10 weeks long! I'm supposed to get it right the first time! I'm supposed to sound brilliant the first time! When the concept is presented to me, how it's given to me, at that time!!! No wonder I'm at a loss for words! I'm trying to sound brilliant and strike gold--all on the first try!
So of course this comes out in my grades. Profs call me into their office, and they say in different ways the same thing :"You're so smart, Sarah! You know what you're talking about! Why doesn't this reflect on your papers?" What I want to say is "Do you think I don't read those suckers before I hand them in? I know they're crap! I know they're not my best! I wrack my brain till the very last minute trying to put together this brilliant, insightful, honest work that you've never heard of, so at least while you're downing your 18th cup of decaf, while you may not spit it out, you may at least not pick up a 19th! You may think I've got something to offer this planet besides my existence!"
I know, at a very deep level, alot of this is the fear that "they're" gonna find out; "they're" gonna know I'm not that talented; "they're" gonna see me as I really am--a student that sometimes wonders if she really can "cut it." To this day, I wonder who "they" are, but I do know that generally speaking, "report card day" was a dreadful experience around my house; C's, to say the least, weren't allowed. My parent's still aren't recovered from the "Official Diagnosis" from the learning disabilities office of my ADD.
So...I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm looking for feed back or reassurance. On the one hand, I have the self esteem and self assurance to apply to grad school. On the other, I'm still raking myself over the coals over the classes I am in. Totally confusing.
When you speak, are you feeling the passion of what you are saying? I know for myself that I have to feel some sort of passion to write something really well. Perhaps you're looking to write the perfect paper and putting too much pressure on yourself? When I get like that I find something fun and think to myself "My best is good enough!!! Even famous authors get writer's block!
((((((((((Tiger))))))))) So sorry about your ADD. Parents seem to have a hard time when they find out anything is wrong with their child. I use to work with ADD kids. I feel alot of people have ADD and never know it. It is good you know what you are dealing with now so that you can manage things and come up with a plan to modify what you need to. Just know it is not related to intelligence at all. It is just another hurdle to work with. And you are one of the strongest, wisest people I have met in Alanon! fluffy formerly known as cdb :) xoxoxoxo
Don't be too hard on yourself, writing is a very difficult business. I know what you mean with the imposter syndrome, I still have that myself. I wait for the day when all will be revealed, I am really not talented at all and have no right to occupy space in an Educational institution. I have found that all good work needs to be drafted and that the first draft is that, a first draft, without it there won't be a second or a subsequent one, though at present this is paining me as I am on my fifth draft, awaiting it back again, I know it off by heart and I am very bored by it at this stage. I'll be thinking of you and I have applied say what mean and mean what you say to writing which has done wonders. Instead of saying 'I perceived the feline' I saw the cat does just as well!
Sounds like you are trying too hard. You are thinking to much of how it "should" be and not allowing yourself the opportunity to write what you know.
Sometimes when I write, I just start, run with it. I don't start tweeking and adjusting until I get all my thoughts out. It might not flow, it might be lacking points that I want to include, and of course all the source stuff is not in it yet. It's like writing down what you'd say, only we all know we can't turn in a paper that is written that way. But from this, it's easier to develope your thoughts. (I personally hate outlining, for me it is easier to get what I want to say out this way.)
Remember that your professors already see your potential, they aren't out to squash you. You didn't get where you are without showing your ability. Take a deep breath, it's all there, the support, knowledge, ablity......take that backpack of pressure off and do your best to recognize you are deserving of this opportunity.
Your post connected with me. Let me share my experience and reflect back to you what I'm hearing you say ... combined with the pleasure I've had from reading your posts and being in chatroom with you several times over the past many months.
For me, if I really cared about something (and this remains true to some degree) and was having to prepare to present or write -- well, it just never came out right ... what came out did not reflect how I was feeling and wanted to express about the subject. Whether I was trying too hard, whether I was sabotaging myself, whether I had some kind of a block that was stifling my expression ... I don't know what it was, but I do know the result was something like what you have described.
So in college and grad school I did a lot of last minute cramming, including writing papers. Procrastination worked for me -- though it is a trait that I have improved upon, but have not eliminated. The papers that I stayed up all night writing the night before they were due ... I got A's or A+ every time. I would have all the books/reference materials and would have done a cursory outline, but the actual writing occurred at the last moment. As if I didn't have time to screw it up ... and so it flowed out of me. I am NOT suggesting this as a way to get through college. It served me well with grades, but not in long term retention.
In my family of origin, grades were a big deal. MY brother was hounded by my dad ... my brother is a person who has a high IQ, but his rebellion took the form of getting C's D's or worse. As if to say, you don't like a B, let me show you what you really won't like. I remember standing in the doorway as a little kid listening to the interchange and thinking, I do not want to have straight A's. I need to prepare my dad from the beginning for less than perfection. So, I went out of my way to do that, do be less than what I was. I did dean's list level, but not top drawer, I held myself back ... and it became an approach to life. I don't recommend this as a life strategy either. My main point is that I can appreciate that aspect of your post.
As I've been going through recovery, I've been giving myself permission to do things differently ... the definition of insanity being what it is and all. And low and behold, what I've always felt was inside is coming out.
And I'd like to reflect back to you a part of your post that Luna must have picked up also when she read your post that I could also relate to -- Luna depicted it well saying: "Remember that your professors already see your potential, they aren't out to squash you." Though I think it might be more than potential, I think perhaps they believe in you and are just letting you know that when you are ready that they believe the most beautiful stuff will flow from you, because they see it inside you.
You may not be where you want to be right now (given that the term is only 10 weeks) ... but perhaps where you are now is just right in order to help you learn what you will need to know later. Perhaps ... Only you and your HP know that, though.
What I want to say is "Do you think I don't read those suckers before I hand them in? I know they're crap! I know they're not my best! I wrack my brain till the very last minute trying to put together this brilliant, insightful, honest work that you've never heard of, so at least while you're downing your 18th cup of decaf, while you may not spit it out, you may at least not pick up a 19th! You may think I've got something to offer this planet besides my existence!" 
Totally confusing. 