Stacie, one of the most important things we learn in alanon is: when we do the same things, or allow the same things, and expect a different result, that is insanity.

NOTHING has changed. It is the same thing over and over. It is up to you to do the footwork. I know you don't feel good, however, to protect  you, what can you do for you?

I know it is hard for  you to see becuz you are right in it. But how crazy is it, his niece brought his stuff back again? How crazy is it, you took it?

I hear you saying you are finished,  you want to be alone, you don't want the relationship. At the same time you are grieving him when he is gone. It is all perfectly natural. I know I have done it a bunch of times. Until this last summer I was done, finished kaputt.

Only we know when we are done.

I know becuz he hurt me beyond belief. His stuff is all gone now. Burned his important papers, thru away his brief cases. all his cloths are gone. Gave his nice leather jacket to some one who needed a coat.

He thru ME away, so what do I care if I throw his stuff away?

Stacie he is very sick. If we keep taking them in, we are enabling them. They need to get sick, and sicker. They need to take care of themselves. Believe me, as he is using, he does not care about you at all. He can't. If he seems like it, he is manipulating you. More the disease is.

There is a word, a little word. It is what makes things very clear, very understandable all on its own.

The word is, NO. And say it over and over no conversation. NO.

Now it is my experience, to put his stuff outside. change the locks or add a new deadbolt.

He is using money to manipulate you.

the only one who can make this decision is you. love,debilyn

 

It's true, if we do the same things, we get the same results. Letting him back in is not the way to get rid of him.

However, if you are really not sure whether or not you want him to go, then I would make up my mind not to think about that part, or worry about it, for a while. Put your energy toward a change that you ARE sure you want, even if it is just a tiny one. That wil give you the confidence to move on to the next step. Eventaually, you will feel sure of what you want, and will have some idea of how to get it.

Use the phone - even if you can't get to f2f meetings, if you phone the local numbers, you can get some Literature and maybe someone to come out and talk.

I too am a bit confused....you said you are done and want to be alone, but when his neice brought his things back you and/or her brought them BACK into your home? If you were sure you wanted him gone you should have just told her "No thank you" and then nicely closed the door. I agree with lin, if you don't know what to do then don't think about it for awhile. Maybe if you can sit down and think about what your goal is then make yourself a plan to get there, what steps need to be taken in order to get from point A (where you are now) to point B (where you want to be). For me I find this works very well, I call them my "life maps". Sometimes its easier to break a big goal down into smaller ones, it helps us to gain confidence along our journey by acheiving smaller goals.

And, NO there is not a thing wrong with you desiring to have time for YOU. By taking time for you, you will also put yourself into a better position of knowing yourself and then in knowing what you want from life.

Andi