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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like patience is something I just do not have so today I have had to do much much turning over to my HP.
I have still not been paid by the hotel. It isn't that much money like $600 or something but when you have nothing every penny counts. The A is well aware of this he says and does nothing. Oh he says how he resents being aware of my problems and I don't even say anything to him he just hears me talking on the phone!
I know the A got a few thousand a few weeks ago. As far as I know he's sat at home playing video games and eating all the food (which I pay for) and done nothing yet it seems like he had nothing to show for that money. He let his cell phone go (which he keeps in touch with his customers with) he let the internet go too. There is one main phone which is broken because guess what he smashed it like he did the liquidiser, toaster and tons of other stuff. He moans all day long that he is not getting what he needs while playing video games and eating. I guess he expects it to fall from the sky!
Today is rent day and I doubt very much that he will pay it. He never does. Even if he has the money he doesn't pay it. Another reference for me burned to the brink. I will have to go stay with my former landlord when I leave in order to build up better rent references or use someone I had in the past. Who knows. I know I have to leave and I can no longer live in denial try to fix him or more.
Yet for me its like time stood still. I move forward one step (get a better job) then the job I had before doesn't pay. I do all the right stuff (go to the labor board and more) still no check. So much stuff is out of my control. This new job isn't very many hours till I get trained (which is an unknown quantity). I have no internet to pour my heart out on (I am doing this in the cafeteria and yes I will go to the library).
So I feel stuck again but on a different level and all I can do is pray and turn it over. I made one really solid friend in the last few months. He was there for me solidly when the A turned particularly in November (got super violent). He's been really encouraging me despite all my problems. I count that friendship and this board as really my only real sources of support.
The other irony is that this job meant I could no longer see my therapist. She is an intern and only available in the day. I can maybe fit in another appointment in the next month until I know what my schedule is.
I really try to work on my resentment at the A. I express a lot of my anger to friends as best I can (but not obsessively). I really work on letting go and refining plan b. At the same time I feel bitter and angry and just totally fed up with dealing with a child/man/addict. Last night he went to see his brother. He used to spend every holiday with his brother totally zoned out. He went out his usual irritable angry pent up bitter self came home totally stoned. I am at the point I don't even care anymore. I have long long long given up any notion that he might want sobriety. I am certain he is counselled about it all the time he is in a pilot program at the Va for his liver. He has burned me to ashes and I am no longer capable of caring about his health, his well being or anything about him. All I care is that I manage to get away from him with some of my finances in tact, my truck (which he has already damaged so tremendously) and a few shreds of belongings.
(((((((maresie)))))) Yes, if he's been violent it'll probably happen again. Whatever you do to take care of yourself be safe will be the "right" thing to do.
I completely understand your suject title "moving through molasses". I used to say I was going uphill in molasses in the dead of winter. Oh, Maresie....(((((Maresie))))) Your subject line is very understandable.
I know I have no advice...but I have big shoulders and I cleaned my ears recently too! I am not in the same situation as you but I can tell you - my life has turned around dramatically. I now have a great job that I love, regular paychecks, respect from those that I respect as well (and others - well, that's their issue - not mine! ). I will never come "full circle" until the day my HP calls me home. Until then, I am here to do what I can in a manner that I can be proud of. My integrity is intact - through everything, I've managed to keep it. Remember, please - be true to yourself and be proud of the person you are. I respect your strength, no matter how trying the times, no matter how much strength you may question - I respect it.