The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I continually have to work the first three steps, I don't think that they are ones you complete and say "I've got that down." and move on. I still find myself getting wrapped up in my will of the way I think things should be and then my life becomes unmanageable once more. Sometimes I need to have my powerless pointed out to me by my sponsor.
This is what I've found about my powerlessness, it is directly tied to my will. You wrote:
"I get to thinking he really can stop if I just get angry enough. I am completely powerless over my getting angry."
What that is saying to me is that you are for this moment struggling with what you want things to be like, and that your anger can make that happen for you. This is your will v.s what is. I personnaly don't believe we become powerless over our emotions (some may disagree with me and that is okay). To me the one thing I actually have control over is how I act/react. I can't blame that on someone else or what they are doing, to me that is shifting the blame. Kind of like saying "If he'd act right then I'd be okay" Or "I'd be happy if only he'd...." With anger I can totally relate to thinking "I can make him see, listen, etc." -- the louder I speak LOL.
Since you've said you've been in program for a while, and have a sponsor, I hope you won't mind me speaking frankly about this program. You have power, and are not totally powerless. The thing to learn is what you do have power over and that is how you react/act. You give your serenity away by putting conditions on how you are going to feel when you allow someone elses behavior to dictate your emotions. (again the "If only he'd ..... then I wouldn't be angry, mad, sad etc.)
This program give us what I consider as promises, one which is my favorite is that "You can have serenity, whether the Alcoholic is drinking or not."
I think you are right on the money and that it is in step one that you'll start to find that peace. Acceptance of Alcoholism as a disease and the understanding of what an addiction is is very helpful with this. It is so hard to let go of the idea that they can stop if only they'd try harder, loved me, wanted to ..... Once we can come to terms with that and understand that we can't bring them to sobriety, understanding our powerlessness becomes easier.
If you haven't already read how Alanon Works for Families and Friends of A's and the AA Big Book (reading it for yourself, not to get your A sober) you may want to. They have helped me with my acceptance and many other things.
Keep coming back. It is great that you are trying so hard, remember it is progress not perfection. Things will come, just keep coming back. -- remember you are worth it!
