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Today I finally ponied up and rode down town to the local art museam, where various pieces of Rembrant are on loan. Seeing that the museam will be open tomorrow, I realized, "Hey, I have to work today--why not come back tomorrow when I can take all the time I want in the exibits and not have to worry about it?" So, I decided to that, and go to the art museam store, just to check it out. While there, I see all this great, funky stuff--the stuff you see at an art museam stuff, and you're not sure if you have any use for it whatsoever, but you know you'd like it. My councelor has been pushing me to "make my apartment my own." The root of my resistence? "What home?" We were so poor, it was so dysfunctional, and there was so much uncertainty, I'm always waiting, just waiting, for someone to show up at my door (even, and especially, when I was living in my car), and tell me "Sorry, you can't live here any more. You can't pay your bills. You gotta go." I was thinking about this because I was thinking "How neat all this stuff, or even just one of this stuff, would look in my apartment...like that stained glass...or that windchime...or that mobile..." As I was looking at the artsy windchimes, the moblies and the stained glass (all of this stuff, it should be noted, was under $30), it occured to me: There was never any effort to change the situation. Some how it was like it was okay that any minute now the bank was gonna foreclose on our house because the mortgage wasn't paid; that the electric company was gonna shut off the lights; there was never any filing for food stamps, moving to lower income housing, no applying for public aid. No, it was like "Not us. We're not poor. Well, we are, but we're not gonna admit it to YOU." And then it clicked: everything that you guys have been telling me, that the literature has been emphasizig, what my councelor, my sponsor has been telling me, all that. There was nothing I could do. Because my parents weren't willing to make changes, ask for help, or, even more important, ACCEPT the help offered, nothing changed. Life continued to circle the drain and get worse because no one was willing to admit that things hadn't turned out as expected. As desired. As needed. And I realized why it was my councelor was pushing so hard for me to "make this place my own:" because ***I*** was changing. It was time to change how I looked at the "home" concept. It was time to congradulate myself (how do you do that without blowing up your ego? anyone? anyone? ) for surviving a terrible, horrible situtation, and then, this is the really really hard part for me, NOT RE CREATE IT! Live in the NOW as my sponsor keeps telling me. Let go of the pain and give it to god. Live and let live. Want fries with that? Just wanted to share my for the day, and to reassure the new folks here this is a PROCESS, not an EVENT.
It was time to congradulate myself (how do you do that without blowing up your ego? anyone? anyone?
Piece of cake my dear. Pride in what you've managed to accomplish doesn't have to involve ego. It's just love of self. It sounds to me as you are releasing the old ego :)
Here's a perspective on "ego".
The ego is a limited belief system within your mind that you have molded and identified as being the real you. The ego survives by establishing boundaries, borders and limits on everything it sees. The defining of such boundaries, borders and limits gives it the illusion that it can tell you what is right and wrong, all in an effort to control you by instructing you on what you are and are not, how you should act and not act, and why you should judge those who challenge it; the status quo. You are taught the right and wrong way to do things, the right and wrong way to react. Because you learn from the outside world, you believe that truth lies outside of you.
Judgment and fear feed the ego, generating numerous perceived weaknesses and limitations you believe you must defend as real. The more time you spend in defense of the ego and your limitations, the more you believe that this is who you are. And because you see this ego as real and representing yourself, you defend it against anyone you perceive as attacking it. In your mind any view that does not support it attacks it.
You perceive the attacks (disagreements with your belief system) on your ego and its illusion as real, and so you become defensive. The more time you spend defending your false or ego-self, the more you reaffirm its reality. The more you reaffirm its reality, the more willing you are to come to its defense. The more you defend the illusion of the ego-self as real, the more concepts and ideas you will encounter in the world that don’t fit into your reality. You perceive different concepts and ideas as assaults to your reality. You defend your ego-self, through the act of judgment. The exercise of judgment separates you from your fellow brother or sister causing stress that may be conscious or unconscious. Stress creates confusion, and a build up of confusion ultimately leads to chaos.
You feel that by defending your beliefs, you strengthen them. Yet the more you defend them, the more they weaken you. The more time you spend in defense of your ego-self, the more time you will exist in a state of confusion. You might give your state of confusion a hundred different names, such as annoyance, anger, stress, sadness, depression, but they all exist because of your belief in the ego’s reality. They all exist within your mind and are fed and kept alive by your belief in your ego-self.
Your tolerance for pain may be high but your acceptance of your ego-self is not without limit. You will come to a point in your life where you will tell yourself that there must be a better way, a more fulfilling way of living that this just can’t be what it’s all about! These thoughts begin the process of awakening yourself to the knowledge of who you truly are.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post made me long for a place to make my own again. It's been so long since having a secure place to call my own. I think when my heart is healthy anywhere I go will be home again. Thank you.
Wow Tiger! What a wonderful "ah-ha!!" It's so cool that when your mind is open, things come into understanding... maybe the art museum is where you felt more open and in a creative way was able to see things differently. Funny how we can hear the same message over and over and then one day - it hits us with such a deep level of understanding. I think it's the difference between hearing and listening. This time, you listened and understood the message of your sponsor and friends.
I experience the same situation, hearing the words of wisdom, from many sources who love me, yet I can't seem to take it in. When I least expect that eureka moment, I get it. Sometimes getting it takes a long, long time... it doesn't matter how long it takes -- just as long as we continue to grow and move along the journey. Hooray for you for surviving a difficult childhood and difficult circumstances to get to where you are. You should celebrate this time by buying one of those mobiles or wind chimes -- because it will be a tangible reminder of this moment.
Today, I went shopping with a new friend and we were in and out of cutesy craft shops and antique shops. Saw lots of cute stuff, but I don't need all those chotsky's anymore. We went into this one shop called Clementine's (don't you love the name?) and when I saw this I grabbed it and said, "I'm getting this." It's a framed very pretty old fashioned floral print w/ a saying that has this old crackled look and it says: "... and they lived happily ever after." My thing today is learning to be happy and content. As an adult, I know I have choices... and you're so right, now that we are no longer children, it's time to challenge what we learned and decide if it's how we want to live, think, love, relate, etc. The old ways I learned and the perceptions I had were such that happiness was always out of reach -- it was for someone else to have, not me. The ways I thought, loved, lived, and related were dysfunctional and did not make me happy. Now, in recovery and with tools, I know happiness is in my very own backyard. Now, I have this little reminder to help me when I'm in a challenging situation.
Anyway, I hope you got something beautiful for your apartment ... (I hope you got the wind chimes, myself! I always like to hear the gentle chimes in the summer). You deserve all the praise for making this step forward in your recovery... way to go!!! :)
) for surviving a terrible, horrible situtation, and then, this is the really really hard part for me, NOT RE CREATE IT! Live in the NOW as my sponsor keeps telling me. Let go of the pain and give it to god. Live and let live. 
for the day, and to reassure the new folks here this is a PROCESS, not an EVENT.
