The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, we had our "First Annual Christmas Survivor Party" or "Thank God You Can Choose Your Friends Party!"
Being with my family, particularly my father and his wife, and my step brother and his family has been especially hard this past year, especially at this Christmas season. I am realizing more and more that they are so dysfunctional and they have problems. (I know I have problems too -- but at least I'm trying to get better in alanon and in coulseling and don't act out against them or act in bad form toward them.) Whenever I'm around my father and his wife and my step brother, I feel like I am the outsider. I feel like I'm in a bubble and I'm isolated from everyone. I feel nervous, like I'm doing the wrong things or I'm not doing enough. I don't know what to say; I stammer over my words. I feel like I'm having the wrong expectations/hopes and am always wondering why -- why do they basically ignore me and my husband? (I think we're pretty nice people and our kids, oh my God! Our kids are wonderful!). There are a boatload of stories of how my father just doesn't show that he cares and it hurts like he*&! My own flesh and blood!! I don't understand him.
In counseling, I'm realizing (again) that I have choices and how I spend my time and who I spend it with is one of those choices. This year, my husband and I decided to have this party and invite our friends... the people we like being with. They came, with food and kids. We had 3 babysitters and they watched the kids in the basement while we ate, laughed, and caught up. It was so enjoyable -- I was having so much fun. I was relaxed. I felt like myself. I felt loved, cared for, I felt attractive and felt comfortable in my skin... I realized I have a pretty good sense of humor and I wasn't shy or nervous at all. We threw a really fun party which, by the way, was a BYOB party and only two people brought alcoholic beverages to drink. My hubbie (clean and sober now 3 1/2 years) was amazed at how fun the party was w/o the drinking. Good food. Good music. Good friends. Good fun.
Right now, I don't feel like my family ruined my Christmas with their dysfunction; I don't feel like the hurt dominates my perception of this holiday this year. No not knowing what's going on. NO pressures to be perfect. NO head games. No trying to dodge bullets of criticism or hurls of painful comments from a dysfunctional stepmother while my father silently watches. What a nice experience to not have to deal with all that crap! There are other cool people -- people I respect and like/love who like/love me back, care about me, think I'm a good mother/ wife/ friend... and tell me so. What good feelings to enjoy in the midst of Christmas!
Having made this choice to include this party in our holiday (and poke a little fun at the family Christmas -- what is it they say? Our family puts the fun in dysfunctional?!! HA!) has made me remember I have the ability to make decisions and choices that are good for me -- and when I do what's good for me, I feel empowered and, well, just feel good.
Thanks for your share. The holidays have been hard for me. My AHsober moved out a year and half ago. He says we'll get together for the boys at the holidays. So stilted. With my own family I always feel like I am the outside looking in. So I really think with the help of Alanon I have made great progress. I made up my mind to have a great Christmas with my family. And so it was. The dysfunction is still there but it didn't need to feed off of our family this year. Go figure. Love your idea of the Christmas Survivor Party.
