The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't done any steps or anything, I just feel so isolated I don't know what to do. My husband has been drinking for about a year now, but before that he hasn't drank in about 20 years, being an active member of AA/NA. I guess we wanted to be normal and drink a glass of wine like everyone else, but it soon became obvous to me that it wasn't normal or OK for him to drink at all. Needless to say, its been a long year. Even though I did not initiate his drinking, I feel a large ammount of responsibility.
What broke me today was that he was out for several hours before he was supposed to pick my daughter up from a party. I smelled beer on him earlier and confronted him and he brushed me off. I knew he would still be drinking (he drives around with a bottle) and I was a nervous wreck, so I took the dog for a walk when he was late. I could spot his car from several blocks away, even in the dark, because the car was barely moving up the hill. He drove right by me without noticing, and then drifted right through the stop sign and passed our house. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Then he slowly turned the car around and made it to our house. He staggered out of the car and went to the trunk and opened it, pulling out a case of beer, not realizing I was right behind him. When he saw me, he put the beer back and closed the trunk.
Inside the house, I confronted him about drinking and driving and he immediately began yelling and swearing. I don't want to fight infront of the kids, so I usually back down and he knows it, but I wouldn't this time. He said alot of really hurtful things, and also tried to say HE WASN"T DRINKING!! He couldn't even keep his eyes open, but he yelled and yelled. He tries to scare into shutting up. I told him I was going to leave and he said to go right ahead. We both know I have nowhere to go, no money, not even a car. I went to the car and got the beer (there was 3 out of twelve left), when I came back, he was already in bed snoring. I hid the beer in the closet. Not like it matters, we've been thru this before. I talked to the girls for a minute, then I decided to check on him. I pulled the blankets up and he said "i know, I'm sorry". He says that all the time. I know I have to leave him, I just need to find a way.
I don't know if this is the place to post long rants about issues with my husband, but this is the first time I've ever talked about it, it is a big secret. I can't bear to face his family when they realize that he drinks.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
a month ago i could've said the same darned things - but then i found here. i also found face to face meetings in a local community. it has literally saved my sanity. i also isolated - and i think about 90% of us isolated... it's what we sometimes do; that pain and sadness, honey, say hallo to it, then say i don't want you mr. pain and mrs. sadness - I, Mrs. Rainyjamie, want to get healthy!!!!
again, welcome to Miracles in Progress. so much esh here (experience, strength and hope)(took me about 2 weeks to figure that out on my own... cuz i'm a 1/2 nutjob (ehh hen) and didn't have the cahoneys to ask) i invite you to read as much or as little as you like. if you click on someone's name, and click on "view profile", you will pull up a list of their posts to topics and their "topics started". it did me very very much good to read over a few other peoples very first posts -- it told me one certainty: I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS CHAOS. and you will find that your story is unique in its own way, and similar in very many ways. beyond that, know that I'm so proud of you for seeking us out... it is soooo tough to finally give in and say, "i can't do it alone, anymore" -- and you don't have to.
with love and support cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. I'm glad you found MIP. You do not have to feel isolated and alone, many of us have similar stories. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back.
Welcome to Al-Anon and Miracles in Progress. There is just so much wisdom here. I have been where you are. After 10 years of not drinking by AH (alcoholic husband) picked up about 4 years ago. It has not been fun since. I, too, did the maybe it can be social, just as his disease was trying to convince him that he could, "have a glass of wine". I did the "if you can't beat him join him". I did a million things, hiding the alcohol, pouring out the alcohol, turning the bottles, searching for the bottles, drawing lines on the bottles, kissing just to see, the list goes on and on, and then I found Al-anon.
Where am I today, well, my AH has relapsed again after about 8 months of sobriety and a separation and reconciliation based on that sobriety. But I am not as crazy as I was. Granted, I have and am still doing some of those crazy things, but at least I have awareness that they are crazy today and know where to go to get help. Help for me, because there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. That is step !: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Here are just a few nuggets that got me through in the beginning:
the 3 c's : I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it. (it being my husband's disease of alcoholism)
that Just For Today I could just do the next right thing, I did not have to make any major decisions and when I did make any I did not have to do it alone, that the people in the program would be there to help, support, guide and love me.
I encourage you to get to a f2f (face to face) Al-Anon meeting in your local area. You will find there people who have been/are where you are. You will also have access to a ton of literature. There are daily readers, pamphlets etc. Read, read, read.
I look forward to hearing more from you. Keep yourself and your children safe. You do not have to make any major decisions today. Just do the Next Right Thing. *even if it is just to get up and do the laundry or go for a walk. You ARE going to be ok.
Although you do not know us, we already love you in a very special way,
welcome - sooo glad you are here. my first post was only a week ago, if that, and already the ESH i have gotten here has helped start to clear what feels like a lifetime of confusion. first, i am so sorry for your pain - i feel it so personally that i cry as i feel my own - we all know that pain here and it is like no other. second, it can be soothed. be here, seek your higher power/sense of soul as YOU know it, trust your gut instincts,share your secrets, tell your story. you will heal. you will survive. so much love to you. glad you are here. fifi
You took your first step....Yeah for you. This is a wonderful place to get experience strenght and hope. I embraced the 3C's...i didn't cause, I can't control it, and I can't cure it...that for be was a big load lifted off my shoulders. Although all our stories are different, we do understand the pain you are going through. The feeling that life is out of control. The fear you must be feeling. But the suggestion to do the next right thing is a good one. Taking care of you and your children. You will be ok...you may go through some really rough stuff...but know you will get through it..this too will pass. Prayers for you and your family...keep coming back..we are here for you.
If he was in AA for 20 years, then believe me, he knew that he could not be like a 'normal' person - he was fooling himself, and you, if he acted like he could. You did not do this to him, you have nothing to be ashamed of. HE might not want to face his family, but you have no reason to mind. You are not him - his actions do not reflect on you.
Please go to a local meeting - secrets lose so much of their power when they are shared. You ever heard the saying "Tell the truth and shame the Devil"?
Thanks for your consideration. Alot of greif has been caused by me being made into his warden, and I don't like it. He is 17 years older than me and I have to track down where he's been. He sneaks out and hides his drinks. When he first started, I emptied the vodka bottles and filled them with flat sprite. In a way it was kinda funny, I was showing him that I cared without fighting. But he just got more bottles and hid them from me. Untill last week, I drank too, just not like him. I decided I had had enough and I poured the drinks that were considered "mine" down the drain (coffee liquer, wine). Then I realized I had so may drinks of his stashed around the house, and I would always know about them, so I gathered them and dumped them out too. He saw what I was doing and freaked out. I slept on the couch (like I did last night). The rest of the week I said "No, I'm not your mother!" and refused to ask or look about his drinking, but last night was too much. See what happens when I leave him alone? He always says bugging him about it makes it worse.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Welcome Jamie I was EXACTLY where you are right now. I didn't know what to do... I was at my wits end. I too was hiding alcohol, yelling, screaming, pleading,... and basically making myself crazy. I came here and found people that listened and encouraged me. This IS the place to post your rants and issues about your A husband.
When it comes to telling people about his drinking...
First of all... it's not your problem... it's his. You don't have any reason to feel responsible or guilty about HIS drinking problem. Let him own his own problem.
Second... my friends, my family, as well as his family all were aware of his problem, to some degree. They didn't realize how severe it was... but no one was completely surprised when I told them. Everyone that I told was, and continues to be very supportive of me.
Hopefully it will be the same for you!
Keep coming back and take care of you and your kids! Artygirl.
-- Edited by artygirl at 15:00, 2006-12-30
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and just a bit of humor. (Good for the ) You are absolutely in the right place.
I'm sorry about his relapse after such a long period of sobriety. It can happen more often than we realize. Arguing with someone when they are under the influence does no good. I found that out the hard way. All the people here who have responded to you know what you are going through. There are many more of us right here on this board. You are definitely not alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of. None of this is your fault.
I will to what has been already said. You must not loose yourself in his disease. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. It's about living the life you are entitled too. It's about living strong.
I urge to come into the chat room for our meetings or just to chat, find some local meetings and do some readings. Recovery is absolutely possible for you. We're right here for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
) You are absolutely in the right place.
