The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I determined in September I could no longer live with my AH, active or not. When he returned from detox/rehab, I took the kids (7-1/2, nearly 6 and nearly 4 now) and left. I just can't trust him, and can't live with the insanity any longer. I filed for divorce, and we've put our home on the market. There's no money left - savings and retirement funds are all gone - and he has worked only 9 days since March 1 of this year. We're on a state welfare-type insurance plan, and are seriously considering filing for bankruptcy, due to the impossible credit card debt we've racked up.
He was back in rehab by early November and out again right after Thanksgiving. That time, he started drinking about 6 hours after he was released. In early/mid December, he was arrested twice for shoplifting (booze both times) in a week. The first arrest he told me about the next day; the second one I found out about when the police called and told me I could pick him up in about an hour. I said "No, I can't. I have other commitments this afternoon." From what he's told me, he made it home on foot - 15 miles or so - in about 6-1/2 hours. He hasn't had a drink since.
He detoxed on his own, in our house, and has been looking for a long term program. He asked my opinion on which of two particular ones he should do. One is a year long residential program with a lot of restrictions The other is more of a sober house, and it will cost him $160 a week to stay there. He will have to work, because I certainly don't have an extra $160 a week to give him - and wouldn't if I did! I said he should pick the program he thought would give him the most long term benefit; that the decision was his.
Here's where the games come in: He's been arrested twice in one state for DUI in the past few years, and should be off probation for that next month. Of course, he's not telling that state about the shoplifting arrest in his home state. As he's talking, he says things that make me think he is less than sincere about this. In the past he has completed several drunk driving programs ordered by the court. During the first one, he would stop at a liquor store as soon as the weekly meeting he had to attend was over. He was subject to random drug testing, but he had to call any time after 4:30 the afternoon before - plenty of time to know when to stop. After the 2nd DUI, he was sober for 7 months, and then started drinking again after he thought he was out of trouble with the courts.
He doesn't want to do the one year program because if he doesn't complete it, he won't meet the terms of his probation for shoplifting - how's that for going in with a positive attitude! The other program has a 3 month minimum, which he figures he can do pretty easily..
I've brought the kids down to see him twice in the past week. They were so happy to get to spend some time with the fun daddy - not the one who was always drunk. When we left Chuck E. Cheese yesterday, my son smiled and said "This is awesome!"
I want to support his decision to get sober - we'll all benefit if he can do it long term - but I have to focus on building a new life for me and the kids, too. And experience tells me that this is likely going to last only until he's out of trouble with the courts again. I know I can't control it, and I'm definitely not reacting the way I did last time...I'm much calmer, and he'll just have to deal with whatever happens. Once the house sells (soon, God willing) there will be so much less to worry about. He's there, and it's the only asset we have left, though it's heavily mortgaged.
Happy New Year to all of you; I'm going to do my best to make it a good one for myself and my children.
No situation is impossible, but from what you are saying it looks like he's working the system. I'm not sure if I'd get involved with picking the place he was to go to -- that way I wouldn't hear later that I picked it out for him. That's just me.
It's good you are taking steps to do what is best for you and the kids. That is difficult I know. I've found being completely honest with my kids has helped a lot. They really understood more than I gave them credit for -- and actually suprised me with their honest comments.
I'm glad you are here, please keep coming back. ODAT
Yup, they are. The games are in play again. He just called, drunk - it's 11:00 am, but that doesn't matter. He's supposed to be out of the house by 1:15 so the realtor can show it today.
He spent half an hour on the phone trying indirectly to get me to feel sorry for him and agree to pay $160 a week for him to go into the short term sober house program. I told him he'd have to figure it out, over and over again. Finally just said I've got to go take care of the kids. You've got to take care of yourself...
I'm angry that he's doing this to himself again. And to us. He really seemed to be doing well on Thursday when we saw him. I was hopeful, but not too hopeful - been down this road so many times before. But at least this time, we're not living there and the kids don't have to witness it again.
"Support" does not mean being his dupe and doormat. I think you are doing great.
You can be supportive by saying things that are true - "I care about you and hope you find a way out of the misery you are in", maybe by giving him some alanon literature to read, so he sees that you are not jerking the rug out from under him, but trying to stop enabling him. He probably won't read it, but that's not your problem.
