The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where does this stuff come from? I've been fine all week and then this afternoon - wham! I met my A at the health club and we were talking about his son, he made a very innocent comment which made me stand my ground and stand up for myself. That wasn't bad. What was bad was then I got on the treadmill and started obsessing about it. My squirrel cage starts moving and ... I am powerless over my thinking. By the time we left the healthclub, I was ready for battle. Then I feel bad - I'm in a really squirrely mood.
Feeling like I want to scream at my A for not taking care of his finances so now we can't do anything this weekend unless I pay. And I always pay cuz he never takes care of his finances. I'm not going to do it again. So then I suffer too and we spend another weekend without socializing or getting out of the house. Mind you, I have plans for myself tomorrow to be around people, catch a movie and pamper myself. And I have plans for myself next weekend to be with my girlfriends from college.
Where I get angry is my relationship with my A....we don't socialize with other people, we don't do much besides rent movies...he can't afford it whenever I suggest something fun to do...fine....and he is not going to his meetings. Fine...I know it is his stuff but I want and need him to take care of himself. I am powerless over another
I would really like us to have more of a social life and do more things and enjoy life together more...and I would like it to be distributed financially fairly....maybe we don't want the same things? maybe he is just fine isolating and staying home? hmmm
I have a lot to be thankful for and lots of wonderful friends and activities. I'm just feeling self-pity and venegful at the moment. Where does that come from and why so intense? Do I still carry around feelings from my childhood? How do I work with these feelings and what are they telling me?
i was just thinking before i clicked into the chat room..........,
sometimes it is not his rage, or my rage, or his this, or my that, or he is nice today or i am nice today,
it is the dizzying effects of being on this carrousel of emotions that gets to me.
i just get used to okay he is grumpy today and within minutes, he has switched to this ever so nice guy, i just adjust to this ever so nice guy and he becomes some comatose object that sits around like a mostly dead person, i adjust myself to the mostly dead guy and now he is giddy with joy.
i feel like i am waiting for the carrousel to slow down so i can jump off and find my way to ......................,
hi twinkie i wonder lately where this comes from too and i have lots childhood feelings....i did not grow up in A environment...it is not that direct. but i do question how much i Need emotionally to come from someone else....why do i put up with that emotional roller coaster always dictated by his moods/states? why is that how i define my own state...or that i feel some sense of control by being able to maintain myself in the face of his swings? is that really something to be accepting? maybe. not sure.
it is funny, the support i get here rings some sort of childhood bell as well. i hear strangers telling me i am ok, i am strong, i am understood, i am loved, i can trust this support.....it makes me think this is what i actually wanted from my parents...it makes me feel like a child. that vulnerability, even here with such wonderful support, is scarey to me.
also, if you want to socialize, then you socialize. we are not solitary creatures and the warmth of others company is a needed part of life.
