The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im posting here again lately and feel ashamed and angry at mysef for doing so. even though posting here is probably keeping me sane.
i allowed myself to fall into the same pattern of being the doormat where my ex "A" was concerned. after swearing to myself that i wuld not allow any other man to treat me the way my "A" treated me.
he called and begged me to call in to see him, after laying on the charm...i cud feel mysef mellowing 2wards him... after spending and hour and half together in his bedroom..he informs me that he has o go into town to meet some "friends for tea"... THIS MITE I ADD is 10:30 p.m at night....in IREAND.. we have no late nite cafes only late nite BARS........
i left disgusted. my mother says he is treating me like s**t again and im letting him. im running to his every beck and call coz im feeling like he is all alone. huh... so alone that he has a string of NEW friends from AA that all go into town every nite....... im sick of being treated like crap, i honestly felt "used and abused" when i left his place.
and i was mad at myslef for allowing him to break down my defences again and maniplate me into his way of thinking. i was strong.i really was...and now it feels ike im starting all over again..... and i hate it.it feels like i have never made any progress at all and the last year without him was like a fog or distant memory.
im sooooooo glad that i have you guys in my life.. even tho i hate the fact that i have to be here because of my "A". i hate admitting that i am a co-dependant, i hate knowing that i am one and i hate having to cope with all the s**t that comes with it.
im back being scared, alone, afraid, confused, panicky, anxious and sad........ why an i NOT let go and let god! why cant i move on.... why cant i find myself... and why cant i trust!
so many questions..and no answers.
thanks for listening guys......and any ESH is much appreciated. You are my family and if i cud hug all of you i would.
It is truly God's Grace to no where we are with our recovery. Of course, any A will tell us that we are an upside-down pretzel of a person without a clue as to reality -- and then we believe it because MANIPULATION is "the way of the A".... very sad, very true... we battle, we fight our shortcomings, but they still happen- and here we are again, believing and trusting a source (the A) that has no clue of actual reality.... boy o boy.... if we could get a dollar or euro for recognizing these habits of ours, we wouldn't need the financial aspect of a plan B....
i'm sorry for this particular pain in your life (or your derrier), but what can we do? move forward, live and learn, one day at a time, heal ourselves, try, try again, a bit more educated, a bit more weary, a bit more cautious, a bit more serene.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Wow can I relate. Just when I was crazily thinking I was all alone, bam, there you were telling your story.
What is the difference today than a year ago? Ask yourself that question. You will probably find that although the situation has not changed in many ways you have, some subtle and others not so subtle.
Today you have a program, a place to go to and people to listen that have been where you are.
Today you do not have to do it alone.
Today you may slip, but you do not have to fall.
Today you have tools, slogans.
Today you have awareness, which can lead to acceptance and action.
Today you do not have to do anything you do not want to do.
Today you reached out instead of letting the committee take over in your head rent free.
Today you worked your program to the best of your ability.
Today you let yourself feel emotions, rather than denying them.
Today you should be proud of yourself, if for no other reason than the fact that someone who is where you are is telling you that you should be.
Ok you fell back down...it's not anything to be ashamed of we all do that regardless of how many years we have in the program. The lady that chairs one of my f2f meetings is over 21 years sober and has over 15years in Alanon and she still has times when whe falls down. We are human after all. I only know of one person that has ever had total control and that is my HP.
You say you worry about him because he is alone. Are you sure? Is he alone or just not with you...whole different ballgame. He is heading out at 10:30 pm for tea so he isn't alone. It is very common for the people we have tried to fix for years to try to draw us back into the "fix it" role emotionally when they see that we are no longer fixing everything for them. I know, I had it happen to me recently and it threw me for a loop big time. I took the fast train back past step 1 and just kept right on going. All the program wisdom did absolutely no good at all, it was just all words until I gave it some time and it all started making sense again.
You say you hate being here because of your A. I went through a period where I felt somewhat like that myself. Then one day it occured to me just how sick I was and how the disease of Alcoholism had affected my life and the way I live it. I realized that the character traits of Aism go far back into my life prior to my son being in the picture. That is when I thanked my son for getting so sick that he allowed me to find a way back out of my hole too. No I'm not proud that he has this disease, but it is because of this disease that I can learn to work on me and become a much better person because of it.
You say you hate being co-dependent. I hate having epilepsy too but there is nothing I can do to get rid of it, but I can do what I have to do to live around it and not let it control my life. It's all an illness of one sort or another.
You are never alone and Letting Go and Letting God takes a lot of practice. For a long time I would turn my son over to my HP then I had to try to tell my HP how to do his job. It wasn't until I got out of the way and let my HP work with my A that the miracle begin to happen.
Trust is something that once broken can take a long time to heal. That's another thing that we turn over to our HP. Finding yourself also takes time; when you deal with the sick covering over the real you then you will find yourself again.
For me, I had to let my son fall and he fell hard. He got kicked out of rehab for using and lived on the streets. I took everything in my power to leave him there but I knew it was something I had to do. As long as I kept rescuing him he nor I were ever going to get any better. So I stopped ...I stopped with the money, I stopped meddling in his business, I stopped trying to live his life for him so that he could have the space to live it himself. By doing these I was also able to live my life and grow because of it.
Now stop being so hard on yourself, take a time out and then tackle one thing at a time. Sometimes we try to handle too much at once and get worn down in the process.
(((HUGS)))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
The other night someone told me to put down the bat I was beating myself up with --- well please put that bat down, you haven't done anything any of us haven't done before.
It's so easy to get drawn back in. It happens. Your mom was right, you did allow it -- now let it go. We've all done it and we've all walked around thinking How did I let myself yada yada yada. The thing is you can carry this around with you for days beating yourself up over it or you can let it go.
As much as we say the A's inflict on us, we do ourselves the most damage. Instead of saying I can't believe I went over there. Try saying, I went there and I've learned that nothings (or so little has) changed.
You are going to be alright. Do your best to let this go. And remember you have made progress -- you are aware of so many more things than you were before. If you weren't aware, this wouldn't have bothered you in the same way -- that is progress.
Don't be ashamed, we are all a work in progress.....I have fallen back into old behaviors, letting people not just my A, but others cross my boundaries....I learned from them and start fresh...I have even found on a bad day that I can start my day over at any point. Hang in there....work your program....be gentle with yourself.
