The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of you may remember my story from about 6 months ago, for those that don't it is the usual one. My partner started going to AA about 8 months ago after she was arrested in our own home and finally admitted to having a problem.
Being a guy I did the usual guy stuff....I stood by her and maintained I could deal with all this on my own. I didn't need any help. To date I have STILL not sought any help other than these forums. Probably a mistake but my attitude has been that any help would have the effect of masking the problem and not dealing with it.
The major problem that keeps cropping up is the arguing. I don't want to sound a saint but I rarely begin the arguments. She has her good days and the bad but she could start an argument in an empty room. I have tried everything over the months. I have tried not rising to the bait, I have tried leaving the room, I have tried leaving the house, I have even tried changing the subject and offering her a cup of tea. The bottom line is that she "needs" to argue. She needs someone she can kick and blame for all her ills. When there is nothing that not even she can find fault with she will refer to comments made in a previous argument and start all over again.
It wears you down.
I used to be happy, optimistic but the situation has dragged all that out of me. She has lost any shred of humour she once had and will appear to take things the wrong way on purpose.
I am now at the stage where I really couldn't care less whether we stayed together or not. The problem is that she moved in with me. She moved her son into my daughter's school. She will threaten to leave but in my view she will never go. It leaves me with the question of what to do. Unfortunately my business operates out of my home so it is not so easy to just pack up and go.
It really hit home over Christmas that this is never going to "get better". She will not wake up one day and find she is no longer an alcoholic. I really don't want to join her world as she sees it. I don't want all our friends to be members of AA or Alanon. I want a "normal" life. One where I am not walking around on egg shells. One where I am not wondering which version of her I am going to wake up to.
I would rather live the rest of my life on my own than know that this is how I must live for ever more.
I know meetings may have helped me but like I said, I don't want help, I want the alcoholic out of my life. I am able to detatch most of the time but the reality is that the shit is still there surrounding me. The kids deserve a better life than this. I deserve a better life than this. We all deserve a better life than this.
Hate that you are having a difficult time - I can relate to just wanting the A out of my life.
In Feb 2003, when my AH went into rehab (committed not voluntary) I was glad he was out of the house. For the next 6 months, he was out of the house, sober and we had very little contact. But guess what - I was still miserable. For me, I needed the help of recovery for myself. I had been affected by this disease of alcoholism/addiction. Even if there were no A's in my life, the affects that this disease has had on me would still be there - like scars from a burn - I need healing. For me, the only place I have found that healing is Al-Anon. I tried everything & everywhere else - but they couldn't understand - they had not been where I had been. The people in the rooms of recovery have walked the same road as I have - they understand the pain in the pit of my stomach when I see someone pour a drink, or my A is late, misses an appointment, or for no reason at all. Recovery is for me - it is what I need to live happy, joyous & free.
Mike, this doesn't mean that you have to stay with your A, live in unheathy situations or accept unacceptable behaviors. You do have the right to make heathy choices for you and for your children. Not everyone feels the same way I do about the program of Al-Anon or AA - there are other ways to get help you if you need it if these programs are uncomfortable for you. The main thing is to understand you have choices - you can decide what is right for You. The disease likes to tell us we are stuck in a situation and there is no hope. You can have a better life - You can have hope again.
Let Go & Let your HP lead you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm sorry you are in the situation you are - it is tough. Perhaps you can set a goal for the new year and start working to that goal... whether that means selling your home, helping her move out....whatever you need to do to take care of you and start taking those steps? Anger and anxiety are two of the primary weapons of an alcoholic - if they provoke anger and get others to remind them how terrible they are, gives their disease sick pleasure. It is horrendous for all and I truly admire your courage to "do the right thing" and get out of the way. Good for you. You are amazing!@
I realize you don't want Al-anon or a f2f program and I so respect that. Do what you need. For me, that wasn't the case. One thing I learned, after many "bad" relationships wherein I blamed the other for my misery, was that I was the one who kept attracting the same over and over. The program is for me and me alone. I kept wanting the normal but keep getting myself into similar situations. Someone said to me onetime, It takes two to dance - and I was appalled. I was no way at fault in any of this. I now know what they meant and through counseling and this program, I have come to see what others meant. Our attraction and our behaviors are sometimes very unconcious and sometimes we continue to attract the same and behave the same over and over, (or variations of the same). Just me and my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I wish you good luck and again admire and am inspired by your courage. Keep us posted on you are your progress!
Mike, first let me say that "normal" is simply a setting on the washing machine. I have yet to find anyone that truly believes that their life is normal. We all have this little fantasy idea of what we think is normal but I don't think any of us really know what that is.
You say that you haven't sought help. WAKE UP Mike, you need help for you, not for her. You cannot fix her but you can fix yourself. I know first hand that when I started going to f2f meetings, got a sponsor and started working the steps that I changed. I have finally reached the point that I can be happy regardless of what the A's in my life are doing. Once I learned not to react to their actions I started finding peace within myself and that peace and serenity is what keeps me going one day at a time. I also learned how to draw boundaries as to what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. The important thing to boundaries is that you stick to them because if you don't the A will never believe that you mean them.
My A son used to like to rant and rave at me. I finally got to the point that I just stood there and listened to him rant and when he was finished I asked him if his sole purpose in coming by was to chew me out. He said well Yea I guess it was. That is when I asked him if he felt better now? He hasn't raved at me since.
Once I learned to change my reactions to his actions, his actions changed. Today he is sober, attending meetings and has a sponsor, however, I have no way of knowing if that will be the case two hours from now or two years from now. What I do know is that with my HP at my side in everything I do and my commitment to Al-Anon and working the steps with my sponsor, that I will be ok. And in the final scheme of things me is all I need to concern myself with.
Remember to be good to yourself, you deserve it.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think I'd have to agree with MoBirdie on this one. No matter how "normal" we may think we are, just walking away from the alcoholic is usually not enough to fix everything. If you can, my hat is off to you. I know a few people who are not alcoholics and were never close to one, who got into the beginnings of a relationship with an alcoholic and, as the Big Book says "recoiled as if from a hot flame". But when you're already in the frying pan, it's a little too late to recoil.
Anyway, it sounds like you have made up your mind to split up with your A - that's a big step. Whatever you decide, we'll be here if you need to share or vent or whatever - now or later.
I know that in my early sobriety, my life did revolve around AA and most of my friends were AA. But since I had virtually NO friends before I got sober, I wasn't in a position to complain. I now have friends who are not AA or Alanon, all over the world. I probably have more close friends outside the program than in, right now. In early sobriety I think it is very important for the A to stay close to sober people, walk the walk so to speak... this can be anywhere from a few months to a few years to, well, forever. But we don't get sober just so we can go to 4 AA meetings a day for the rest of our lives. At least I didn't! But in the beginning, if that's what it takes, I'd go for it.
Hey Mike - glad you're paying attention to how you're feeling.
Something that surprised the heck out of me when I figured it out - which wasn't for quite a while - was that an important part of me helping myself was me becoming willing to accept help from others in the program. Notice that this is NOT the same as me yelling, "help me! fix me!" - This is ME working on changing MY internal makeup so that I can get to a place where I can accept that I can't think of all the possibilities.
Some of the people at my meetings have suggested possibilities I hadn't thought of.
When I call my sponsor in the midst of a crisis, I often hear a way of thinking about the situation that I hadn't considered.
When I can ask those people to share their experience, strength, and hope with me, it's a little bit like me using a screwdriver even though I wasn't the one who invented it.
It's a little bit like me acknowledging that I am not God, and that in itself is good for me.
Another thing that occurs to me is that I was flummoxed by how long "early recovery" is. 8 months does not mean she's arrived where she's going. At all. I didn't start having real conversations with mine until at least 12 months. Overall, it's gotten steadily better since then - which isn't to say that there haven't been slips in behaviour for both of us. But I think you do yourself a disservice to project that where she is now is where she'll be in another year, or even in another 6 months. Yes, it's hard - but now that we ARE talking, I have been so grateful that I was working on my program too, which gives us some common ground.
We all want a "normal life". I being far from "normal" will never have that. However, I am beginning to love my life again. I know what it's like to want the active A out of our lives.
The only thing I can tell you is this: without Alanon, especially this forum, I would have never been given the tools to make the decision I made. (I'll level with you, my local meetings aren't that great. That's why I am beyond greatful for this site.) I told hubby to leave until he got sober and stayed sober. It was the hardest and yet best decision I made for me. My quality of life had deteriorated.
Fast foward 8 months later: hubby is sober. I have regained what little sanity I ever had. My quality of life has improved because I improved. I have been with this program a little over a year. It has done wonders for me. I have my recovery and continue to work on it. Hubby has he and he continues to work at his. We go to AA meetings together. Miracles do happen for us.
We are not the typical AA/Alanon people. I think each individual recovery is as unique as the person involved. There is no typical cookie cutter recovery. We don't attend meetings 24/7/365. Some people do it and that's great for them. We go when we feel the need or want to go. Hunting season is over for hubby and high volume retail season for me is over now too. We were just talking about getting back into some meetings this morning. All I can tell you is this: recovery is about taking back your life. Living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong.
As for not wanting all of your friends to be AA or Alanoners that's valid. The majority of our friends are not AA/Alanoners. The problem was before I found Alanon I had cut out all of my friends and lived for my A. I lost myself in his disease.
I think it is wonderful that you want a better life for you and your children. I urge you to keep coming back to us as often as you choose.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Happy New Year.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"I would rather live the rest of my life on my own than know that this is how I must live for ever more."
lots and lots of things you said are picture perfect to the memories of my wife and I. I just wanted to copy that one line down, so you and I can see it again, to know that we DO HAVE A CHOICE in this.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I'm glad you are here, and feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts. Reading your post reminds me alot of myself, I too want a normal life (by normal I mean consistency because normal like boring has never been my style ), do not really want my life to revolve around Alanon as much as I no longer want my life to revolve around my A. Having said that I also know that my life has been affected by alcohol and Alanon has helped me tremendously. Not only with my A but all aspects of my life. I had thought I was pretty well adjusted and able to handle everything before being involved with the turmoil of my A's life, but I see now the issues I had within myself that left me open to having a high tolerance for other people's actions that were harmful to me, people pleasing, low self esteem, extreme shyness. Whether or not my next relationship is with a new A, the same A or a nonA I have learned how to care for myself and what is and is not acceptable to me, at least a start anyway. I don't want to repeat this cycle.
None of the problems you mentioned with breaking off the relationship seem impossible. People move all the time, kids change schools, it happens. You don't need to feel guilt over not wanting or not being able to be involved with your girlfriend. Relationships don't work for many reasons. Making it as easy a transistion as possible would be nice, but reality is it does not always work that way. And you have the right to make your life the way you want it.
You said in your post>
I have tried everything over the months. I have tried not rising to the bait, I have tried leaving the room, I have tried leaving the house, I have even tried changing the subject and offering her a cup of tea. The bottom line is that she "needs" to argue. She needs someone she can kick and blame for all her ills.
In my experience this is classic behavior of my A in early stages of not drinking. It could get a whole lot better at some point with patience and a strong program. There is hope if you do want to continue the relationship.
No matter what you decide is best for you, we are here if needed. Just my thoughts take what you like and leave the rest.
delighted to see your post, I have missed your input to the forum. I can identify a lot with what you are going through and have just started recovery. It is very difficult to live walking around on egg shells and can make you feel incredibly tense a lot of the time. I started to take care of myself physically as I was in terrible shape and this made me more tense. My ex-A is very argumentative and quick to react. I also do not know which version I am expected to face each day. I have cut contact at present and am refusing to deal with him. However he still lets himself into my house and is presently trying to cross my established boundaries. I know you are very courageous and have dealt with difficult situations well. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your future decisions. I found my difficult decisions easier than what I thought they were going to be and this forum has helped me a lot. I am unable to get to f2f meeting at present but am planning to do so in 2007.
I do remember and I too was battling similar things in my own life with my husband. Someone told me "nothing changes unless something changes" I have changed, I am loving life, we seldom argue....I have learned so much about me!!!! Keep working on you. It's amazing what we find that we didn't know we needed to find.
Thanks for your share. I wish that I could honestly hit the nail on the head about my feelings like you did. You know what is spooky though about what you said is that my AHsober said alot of those things to me about our relationship. So that gives me some perspective about how he feels. He says nothing will change and he doesn't have any time left.
Well, I am in complete agreement with you. There is no reason to stay with a person who mistreats you, makes you miserable, is a poor role model for your children, is an addict, and who brings little positive into the relationship. I have always believed that a person cannot romance a human if they are romancing a bottle.
My spouse was my alcoholic. He refused to work, he abused me physically, mentally,emotionally. He started arguments about nothing. He threatened me over imagined things. He brought me nothing but worry, fear, unhappiness.
I didn't understand what I was marrying. I had no idea that he was an alcoholic, that everything he said was a lie. I wasn't aware of the unacceptable behaviors that go along with addiction. The fact that I married an alcoholic does not make me emotionally ill, in need of therepy, or mean that I have personality disorders. What it means is that I made a mistake.
Once I realized that I had made a mistake I rectified it by divorcing him. I was terrified of what he would do to me physically when I told him that he had to leave, but he did leave and he did nothing to hinder the divorce.... it helped that he was cheating on me and had another woman to go to.
My suggestion is that you speak to an attorney about how to legally separate your Partner from you and your home. If you absolutely have to, you might think about renting an apartment for your partner, moving her into it and paying for it for a month. Sometimes paying someone to leave is the best money you can spend.
I live in a very small town, in an area most of you would consider to be quite remote and rural. Right next to our town is a large military training base. What this means is that most of the men in town, and therefore most of the men who come to our alanon meetings, are ranchers, oilpatch workers, or soldiers.
Most men in our society have got the "men don't ask for help, men don't whine" thing, but these guys have got it in spades. They are tough, capable men who work tough jobs. They work outside in minus 40, they handle high explosives, they face enemy fire. And, to a man, the hardest thing they say they have ever done is to come and sit in a church basement with a bunch of women, ask for help, and cry.
There are lots of ways to be a stand up guy, and one of them is to get the help you need to do what you have to, for your own health and that of your kids.
My quality of life has improved because I improved. I have been with this program a little over a year. It has done wonders for me. I have my recovery and continue to work on it. Hubby has he and he continues to work at his. We go to AA meetings together. Miracles do happen for us. 
), do not really want my life to revolve around Alanon as much as I no longer want my life to revolve around my A. Having said that I also know that my life has been affected by alcohol and Alanon has helped me tremendously. Not only with my A but all aspects of my life. I had thought I was pretty well adjusted and able to handle everything before being involved with the turmoil of my A's life, but I see now the issues I had within myself that left me open to having a high tolerance for other people's actions that were harmful to me, people pleasing, low self esteem, extreme shyness. Whether or not my next relationship is with a new A, the same A or a nonA I have learned how to care for myself and what is and is not acceptable to me, at least a start anyway. I don't want to repeat this cycle.