I took the chance to go see my orignal sponsor while my bf was here visiting at Xmas.  My orignal sponsor was AA and went back to drinking.  It was a sad sight to see him in such bad shape.  This man who was my sponsor was once about a good 275 and now he is skin and bones.  What was usually sharp witted and well thought out words didn't exsist any longer.  There was no filter in his brain and words were hard to put together.

We came in and I could tell we woke him.  My bf sat down the popcorn we had brought him and I hugged him and he told me he loved me.  That was the only thing I knew was familiar about him.  I was ready to go.  I didn't want to go in a sit, but my bf did.  The two sat and talked and my bf went along with the gibberish he was speaking.  His mind just wasn't there anymore.

I stood to leave.  I hugged him one more time and told him Merry Xmas and I loved him.  I went to the van while the two men stood saying good byes.  I just needed to know he was alive.  When my bf got into the van, there wasn't anything I could say.  I wasn't shocked.  I knew he would be in bad shape.  I don't know how I felt.  Then, my bf who is a recovering A himself, said that he was not doing so well at all.  We saw my former sponsors brother who had requested an update and when he asked if he was sober and how he was doing....I just couldn't answer.  My bf, stepped in and the most polite way and a gently as possible told him what he saw.  When his brother asked again if he had been drinking, my bf told him.  He didn't smell of it, there wasn't any around that we could see, and it was clear if he had not been drinking for a while, his mind was not firing and his motor functions just were not there.

I talked to my new sponsor.  She just kept saying...I hope he makes it back to the program.  My mind just drifts at that.  Yes, I hope that he does.  I remember sitting in many meetings with this man, who spoke of, he didn't think he had another relapse in him.....his next one would be the one to take him out.  I would often hear in AA meetings, with each relapse it gets worse and worse out there.  Harder and harder to make it back.  If they have program under them, that makes it a little more dangerous.

Did he believe in his program when he was sober, you bet.  Did he not live it when he was sober, you bet.  Did he not help guide me on a path to recovery, he sure did.  He lead me in the right direction.  He truly loved me when I was unlovable and that love was unconditional.  He should me the true meaning of love.  He was a 2nd father to me and he knew it.  He was always in my corner.  I could say anything to him and that would be okay.  Does his wisdom and his words still go through my head and lead me today...always.

If it weren't for him, I don't know that I would have ever open the two way relationship with HP that I have today.  I don't know if I could have ever let my past go.  I don't know that I could ever have a normal sexual relationship with another person if it wasn't for him.  He walked me through all the pain of my rape and molestation.  A man!  A man no less.  What I loved about the way he sponsored me was, I didn't have to give all the details.  Just the basics.  He would give me his wisdom and allow me to reach my own conclusion and work it out.  He never forced his thinking on me....other than stand up for myself and what things were not okay to accept as far as unacceptable behavior.

Was he a road sign in the road pointing me in the right direction like he told me?  My job is to haul the water.  So yes, I do hope he makes it back.  I know one thing for sure......the only way he will make it back is with his HP.  Nothing but him and his HP.

I watched him sink spiritually.  Over time.  Once that spiritual connection was detached, I am certain that is when his luck ran out.  I hope that connection opens back up.

My sponsor now tells me it is okay to be CONCERNED, not worried.  It okay to be upset, it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to cry.  It is okay to love him even when he is unloveable.  What an exciting road to be going down with my new sponsor.  Learning a new take in a new light.  Learning what works for her.  I am learning sometimes, stuff like this is stuff that has to happen to keep us in check.  To show how close we really are to the insanity of alcohol.  I think it is true for the alcoholics.  One relapses but it helps another stay sober.....for Alanon's and A relaspes and it helps reminds us where we came from, where we have been, and where we wish to be going if that makes any sense what so ever.

I feel that when I type....there is an emotion lost between my brain and the keyboard, a little different when I write it out with pen and paper.  One thing I know....I am finally getting it out.  If it means me posting this, then it is important to my recovery.  I think I have answered a lot of my own questions in this post.  I have put some closure on somethings were it was due.  So, just know that this is Ziggy...working through her emotions and realizing exactly what it is she is feeling.

I love each and every person in a special way and it doesn't stop with this program.  It is with every person I met.  I am not perfect and don't wish to ever be.  I am grateful to be struggling from time to time.  I get to know that I am human.  I get to work my program each time.  I know I am not suffering though.  I haven't suffered in a very, very long time.  I am doing the best I can today.  Which is what I think most everyone does each day...the best they can today.

Ziggy