The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING FEELING LIKE I HAD SLIVERS IN MY BRAIN AND DAGGERS IN MY BACK.
christmas is over, and, it was so HARD. throughout the holiday, i justkept coming to my computer and typing whatever my brain told my fingers to do. i would look back on what i wrote and think..........,
"uh oh, there you go , you are sure to have offended somebody."
and yet through the whole season i felt like i was reaching out to a life preserver, a rope someone had thrown me to help get me out of the stormy water. i grabbed hold of the rope and did what i could to hang on while these stupid thoughts went through my head.
today,
I AM TIRED.
perhaps this is how someone feels when the rope they are holding on to finally pulls them ashore.
i am cold, tired, achy, exhausted and i just want to be alone.
my husband left for the day, and, i feel guilty because i am glad he is gone. it is quiet . i NEED to be quiet.
why do i feel so awful? it is like i have a hangover and i don't even drink. this man i marrried seems to consume all the space in the house. i spend most of my time asking higher power for the ability to DETATCH. after awhile i don't even want to ask higher power for help. i just want to REST.
at the moment i am grateful to my higher power for arranging to have my daughter call and ask her dad to her home for the day. that gives me the time i need to recuperate.
there is an open meeting tonight. i told a few members i would be there. that was last week. i wasn't tired then. my dilema ........, do i drag myself out the door and drive thirty miles to town for a meeting? [the WISDOM to know the difference]
you deserve a break. you deserve a little quiet time. i hope ya get that nap and wake up with a smile -- i say a smile, because you know that there are those of us out here that love you and care. even your f2f'ers will understand. that's what we do, we understand. and love, and support and share experience, strength, and hope.
he left and you feel guilty???? tell me, j, exactly what you feel guilty for? spell it out for me... that sounds like something insane. call a spade a spade. i'm not going to tell you to pull up your bootstraps and break out the literature --- just the opposite - CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK!
you are worthy of being good to yourself. you are worthy of peace and quiet. you have the RIGHT to be in a place of serenity and peace.
lots and lots of love --- wish you could borrow some of my love to give to yourself cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Perhaps it would serve you to do an inventory on the recent weeks, how you behaved, how you expected yourself to behave and why you didn't meet your expectations. Generally speaking, whenever we have an emotional hangover--which is, really, what you are expressing that you are suffering from--we are realizing in our souls that we have behaved in fashions that are less than what we consider acceptable. It may serve you to look at why--have you repeated old patterns? Are you revisiting old memories and found yourself in emotionally unavailible positions? Did you not physicially attend to yourself, allowing yourself to be availible emotionally? Or, long before the event, did you project how things were going to go, working yourself into an emotional frenzy, exhausting yourself well before the event?
Owning our patterns, our mistakes, and our selves is the beggining of growth.
Dearest Jewely, The more I read you, the more you remind me of me. Are you very creative? You sound like an esoteric, mystical, loves flowers, gets energy from earth and sky person.
A's suck us dry. Maybe moreso than some others. When a person feels deeply, we get exausted. We don't even realize when we are being sucked dry.
I realized today, A wore my rain overall pants. Put holes in them, why should he care? So see his disease even screwed me there. I cannot afford to buy more. I make things last for many years.
A left once and wore my hiking boots! I never saw them again. When I get something I get the best and it laaaasts. My son, bless his heart, took me to a store and said pick any boots. that as a couple years ago. They look new and I wear them.
Things like this come up allll the time.
My pressure washer is gone? He lets the dogs in after I mop. When he is in a room I can feel a vacumm coming from him. I bet I could even now.
Also want to tell you, most all people want a break from their spouses. So that is no big deal.
It is natural for you to want to listen to your body,it is trying to tell ya something.
Detaching for me is loving the A and hating the disease and the behavior.But ya know Jewely, no matter what I did in time, the aism would get me down.
I am a nice person, loves kids, flowers, innosence
in living things, I really loved the me hp gave me, but Jewely living with aism made me feel evil, he said bad things/lies to his friends and family about me. To my face he would treat me precious, but it was manipulation. He no longer wanted to see the innocent, simple person he married.
I LOVE working with retarded people. I love it. I love working with people with challeges and help others with their learning as they were square pegs!!
His disease made me feel stupid, ugly, worthless. i would fight to be ok.
Anyway they suck you dry. For me, I am so much better off with him gone. I never saw him touch a drink or use Jewely. He did it all in hiding. He self medicated. It was and is not for fun.
Anyway I am sharing becuz I do relate. Please, please take care of you. I invite you to Look at your basics, hydrate, eat healthy, exercise if just walking, get a flower, watch comedies, read good stuff, laugh. see loved ones.
Don't forget you are a beautiful woman!!
I am so glad you are here. hoping to get to see you blossom and get to also witness your miracles....love,debilyn
i was thinking about the last christmas i felt any real joy.
the christmas tree was up in the smallest living room i have ever been in.
it was sixteen years ago [i am crying already].
we were living in town while our house was being built.
i am singing....."there will be peace in the valley for me" into my new toothbrush.
the girls are saying, "mom, mom, uhhh mom".
i turned around to look and there was the delivery boy staring at me, mother singing into her toothbrush at the top of my joyous lungs, while the kids sat giggling on the couch.
that was the last christmas of joy, of coping by singing into my toothbrush.
the following christmas one of our children was gone. killed in a dirt bike accident at eleven years of age.nothing has ever been the same again.
i have been told by well meaners that "i should be over it by now".
but no. that is not true. we never get over it ''by now''.
i try hard not to think about it. i am sure the whole family does. we just don't talk about him. what is there to say.he is gone and all the memories we could have made as a family are gone with him.
he would have been an uncle by now, maybe a father himself.
oh god, now i am reaaaaalllllly crying.
why did it have to happen? why did he have to die?
so there it is ........,
the cutting slicing slivers and daggers in my brain, my heart and my soul.
and,
somehow, i feel better.
the sobbing has stopped the pain has eased and i am okay.
on a lighter note my husband [who lost his only begotten son that year] is coming homefrom town.
he bought the part to fix the dvd and we are watching a movie together tonight.
he planned that . i am surprised and pleased. he never plans anything.
good thing i decided not to go to the open meeting tonight.
In Alanon there is such great power in people's shares. Tragedy, pain, sadness, and jubilation is so empowering maybe because it is real. The small things help me cope like hearing that someone else drives 30 miles to an Alanon meeting. And sometimes I am just too tired (or the weather is bad) to go even when I told them that I would be there.
I am reading your post and my life Is looking at me from this page.
I too have had a bad christmas, and feel totally alone, unloved, my depression Is returning. I know becase I have let It. I dont know how to stop this. I have also missed f2f for a few weeks due to work comitments. And I am suffering because of it.
Know you are NOT alone In your feelings. And by posting , as I do, It helps you to release your feelings.
