The material presented
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Well, he finally made it through the doors of the detox centre. He was scarred - yes most definately but before he went he tipped the last of his vodka bottle out.
It is just me and my son now for the next two weeks. I'm not silly in my expectation that when he gets out he will be cured and all will be well again - I know that this is the start of changes that have to be made in his life and my own.
I'm keeping everything crossed that he does sort himslf out but who knows what tomorrow will bring....
I'm going to use the time whilst he is away to take a look at my life and myself and prepare myself for the changes that I'm going to have to put into practice when he gets home. I know nobody here can tell me what to do or what not to do but any tips on where to start when he gets out...I know he can't hide from alcohol as it is everywhere, shops, restaurants etc...should these be avoided?? What can I do from my point of view? I know I can't keep him sober I do know that and I realise that life is going to have to be different.
I have spent the past few weeks coming to terms with detachment and not enabling him and was starting to feel good in myself again and getting on with my own life. However, it seems that only as I was getting use to doing that, he has now gone to rehab and hopefully will last the 14 days and come out sober. I kind of feel a little scared. It is hard to remember my A sober...will he even like me when he is sober? Who knows and I know you can't answer that but any expereinces would be greatly apprecaited.
You have to let rehab take care of him for the next two weeks. You have been doing great, and It's your job to keep the focus on you. Keep working your programme. When he comes out, and only when, then you can start to think about things that will affect him. Okay your right, Alcohol is everywhere. I would refrain from keeping any In the house If It was me.(just to rule out temptation). As for everywhere else, you cannot do anything about that.
I have a friend who Is AA 6 years. I once told him I was scared to share something with him, Incase he hit the bottle. He answered to me. "Lynn, If I go back to drink, It Is MY choice, NOT yours". Meaning he Is In recovery, and If he breaks that, It's his fault no-one else's.
All I can say to you Is, be there, be compassionate, be loving. Don't be a doormat for him to take his frustrations out on. It Is HIS recovery, he Is responsible for him.
Wishing you all the best Bear, keep comming Into chat, and posting.
Congratulations to your A for going to rehab. That is a big step & I hope that it works out for everyone. I hope that you will be able to use this time to continue working on you & your recovery. If you can, maybe contact the rehab about family meetings, attend Al-Anon f2f meetings or on-line meetings, read literature on the disease & how it affects the family.
You also might want to think about some boundaries. In some cases you can set up a meeting with your A & his counselor together at the rehab center to discuss some of the boundaries for when he returns home. Boundaries can be tough - I usually have to talk these over with someone else in my program to make sure it is a healthy boundary and not me still trying to control.
Keep letting us know how you are doing,
One Day at a time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
there's a book called Getting Them Sober, I highly recommend it.
Keep coming and enjoy the rest, do a little something to splurge yourself and your son. Have a ball. Let your son know that life is to be enjoyed not just endured.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I admire you for keeping your feet on the ground about this whole thing. Keeping it real. I am certainly excited for your family and wish you all nothing but the best ...
That is great news! Change can be scary but welcome and embrace it. I love your realistic and sincere post. You have an excellent head on your shoulders!
As the others have said, keep the focus on you and get strong and healthy for yourself and your family. You can't control it, you can't cure it and you certainly didn't cause it. Your husband will need to learn how to survive stress and the temptation of alcohol. We too are powerless over alcohol and I've found that if I start worrying about his recovery and what I can do to keep him away from the alcohol and its temptation, then I am starting to once again give it power over me. (And that's when I get crazy). This is your husband's job - support and love him as best you can. And you can do a great job with that by loving yourself! Live and let live.
For me, I found his first few months of sobriety very .... very .... .well, very something. Hard, good, scary....
The first few weeks, he was so fragile, it was like he had just had surgery or something. He was very open, was clutching onto the program like a life raft. It was scary for both of us, I had never seen him like this. In some ways, I feel like I failed to take advantage of this time - I was very very new in my own program, still carrying all the drinking years. Maybe if I had also been able to be as honest as he was being, there could have been more progress made. As it was, he soon found complete sobriety and full honest program work a little too hard, and slipped into some other addictive behaviours. My program has helped me find a way through that, we have survived and are continuing to get better, two steps forward, one step back.
A lot of people refer to early sobriety as 'stark raving sober' and it can be that. The best thing you can do is focus on your own program - it will help you stay out of the way of his. If he does embrace sobriety, he will need AA - he will spend a lot of time and energy on it. This is good. It may feel that you have got him back from the bottle only to lose him to AA, but this is a temporary thing, and really necessary. Use your own program tools, keep yourself busy and happy, and let him do what he has to do. This does not mean tiptoeing around him, or going to great lengths to avoid upsetting him, though. The important words to remember at this time are "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean". You can love and support him without taking any crap.
As for booze - we didn't keep any in the house, when he first got home, and still don't. To me, it is just good manners not to be waving it in his face. However, if we are out and I want a drink, I will have one. We don't stay too long at functions where everybody gets drunk anymore - we just make an appearance, and leave early. Neither of us wants to be around drunks, anymore. If you are not sure, ask him. You need to be able to talk about this stuff, and you might as well start on the right foot.
For me, one of the gratest reliefs, when he went into rehab, was that we would never again be at the place where he could say "I don't have a problem, it's YOU who have the problem". No matter what happens, whether he sobers up or not, that particular lie and denial is done.
