The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been struggling with letting something go. When I first met my A I was 18 and in College working for a resturaunt. He came in to see an old girlfriend and there began my relationship w/ my A. Now what I'm struggling with is the anger I have about the lie... the lie that set me to believing that we wanted the same thing. He ultimately pursued me, but I knew I wasn't ready for marraige. He did everything, said everything I wanted to hear, and it was a lie. I bought into the biggest lie in history. And I continue to fume over it.
My Sponsor say "L when are you going to let this go?" I just keep rolling it over in my head, he said he wanted kids, lots of them as a matter of fact. He knew that when I married I believed it was for a life time. He knew I'd been raised to be a life long learner and that I loved to learn new thing, just to see if I liked it. He knew that I wanted to use my education before having kids but that when I had kids that they would be my career. (I was raised by the last of the '50s moms -- in the 70's LOL, and loved it.)
So I look back and it makes me angry. I loved politics, I loved the arts, I loved many things. I shared them with him, I encouraged travel, we did many things before getting married at 25. But I knew....I knew that he'd been arrested and that marrying him would shoot any thought of doing anything in politics out of the water -- that was okay. I knew that I couldn't marry him until he could show me he wouldn't drink the "hard stuff" -- it made him mean and I knew I wouldn't stay with someone who could hurt me LOL ( there are many more forms of abuse than physical). I knew that I was the one who initiated everything we did, but that was okay. In some ways he kept me from bouncing off the walls LOL.
I look back I see that after I met him I quit school, my choice, but he was a big influence. I went a two year college instead, double majored grad. w/ honors and loved this school so much that I freelanced w/ them in their PR dept while working full time at another company. About two years later they hired me -- a dream job. I had so many wonderful role models. People who really helped me up the ladder -- at 23 that was wonderful. I'd go to Mayors breakfasts, I'd be a the Chamber of Commerce after hrs get togethers. Would be invited to play golf with the College VIPs. CRAP, I had the best dang job in the world. I worked w/ the press (all forms) created the college's speakers bureau and had contacts with so many organizations it was unreal. Plus I had female leadership that encouraged me -- I think, They really saw something in me -- how did I lose that?
I even went back to complete my 4 yr degree. I had my first child at 29, my second at 31. By the time I had my second I'd come home from school at night and find my A "a sleep" on the couch and my two 1/2 yr old sitting in the middle of the kitchen table having already taken a permanent marker to her dad's arms (LOL) and her brother out of the bouncey seat stripped down to his diaper. Lets just say my education stopped there. I free lanced for a while when they were little but working went out the window also. Oh, this was about the time my A informed me that he was leaving us the first time. Thus proving to me that he had no desire for the "family" life. He didn't want kids, he just like the idea of kids. He didn't leave for another 6 yrs. But of course it wasn't the kids, it was me. So I took it on myself to be super wife, and eventually had a melt down and accused him of wanting a Betty Crocker wife.
I'm so flipping pissed off. If so many other people could/can see my potential and I was raised, as my father would say "to rise to the occassion" -- why in the heck can't I let my A's lie go and just move on. Who cares that he didn't want my son, but never had the guts to say I don't want children. I have a great couple of kids who bring me more joy than any thing else could.
I think, L, what is it that you want to do? Lots of things. What is it that's holding you back. I'd love to say my A here, but honesty will make me say myself. So I sit here and think this anger might just be the thing I need to say screw him and move on to what ever HP might have for me.
I'm tired of being hung up by all that could have been, I'm tired of waiting to see if things could change, I'm tired of looking around and wondering what the heck it is that is holding me back.
Some one mentioned fear to me... well screw fear. I'm to tired of this to be afraid any more.
Sorry for such a long rant. Sometimes anger isn't a bad thing and it can spur us to do stuff we wouldn't otherwise, so I'm going to use this anger to move me. Not my A.
Feelings are neither the good, the bad nor the ugly. What we DO with the feelings is what can get us into a difficult area.
Working thru anger, disappointment, fear, resentments, guilt and most of all "What the heck was I thinking?????" can take time, journaling, meditation, working the steps, working with a sponsor, venting, posting, and/or lots of other things. You go right ahead and work on what is healthy for you to do to process those feelings. Never forget when you take those trips down memory lane - that in the past - you were doing the best you could with what you had - Now your HP is giving you tools to make better choices for your life - You seem to be doing the work to let it go - keep it up - hang in there - don't forget to take time to take care of you.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I think I just had a light bulb moment. I've spent way to long trying to figure out why we aren't good enough for him - What is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. I've just got to move forward.
I truly believe that is our disease telling us that if we were better wives, better cooks, better providers, better this, better that, better then the A's wouldn't drink so much - then they would want to try to get sober.
Until recovery, I never realized how much my thinking had been distorted by alcoholism.
You are good enough - good enough to have life filled with serenity, peace, hope and love - whatever life that may be.
Wishing you the best on that journey.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Try to feel bad for feeling anger or explain it or rationalize it. We were human beings before we met our A's and we are still human beings. Whether we are married to A's or nonA's - we would experience disappointments, let downs, anger, feelings that we somehow sold out. It's normal to feel all of these things. I mean, heck, I was crying last night and angry this morning. But now, I'm much more peaceful ... it's a rollercoaster, life is.
Don't get me wrong either. I can relate to your anger and the thoughts you are having. There are many times I think to myself "Oh damn, I should've known better. I saw all the signs." And I wonder what kind of life will I be able to say I've had in 5 years, 10 years, and so on? And I take that stuff to JC, he gives me peace, a place to rest and a renewed spirit to keep on livin' and lovin'! There is no way on the God's Green Earth that I could be married to an A without JC - I couldn't even imagine it. He gives me hope and fulfillment when others may feel hopeless and empty. He even gives me joy in the face of adversity.
I want to commend you for all that you have done with your children, your career and 'put up with' in your marriage. Sometimes we are not given enuf credit and don't give ourselves enuf credit either:) I will keep you in my prayers!
Thanks for posting and sharing - how I can relate too. It is so easy to look back and say, "why did I do this and not that?" "why did i take one path and not the other?" True, sometimes we know in our gut what we Should do or want to do, but we've done the opposite. Then we get resentful and angry. I'm a pro at this and the irony is that I am doing it to myself. But try not to be hard on yourself. We've done what we've done and taken the paths we've taken for a reason - It was what we thought was best at the moment. We are human. It is good to reflect, good to get angry, good to process our emotions and feel to heal. Just don't be too hard on yourself and or too resentful of the choices you made in the past. As you mention, use it to move you forward toward different choices in the future. For me I try to find the blessings in the choices I did make. My HP keeps knocking at my door until I finally get it...then life flows again for me. Sounds like you are making excellent progress in your recovery - inspiring!
I have been having some of those recently. Somewhere I heard that 'I learn the most from my most difficult experiences, what a stupid system.' .... OK, so what hit me recently as I was unstuffing the anger that had been stuffed for lots and lots of years were 2 things I needed to 'learn' so that I could just move on. First, I had said to a friend that, hey, I chose him and so some of the responsibility for all the chaos and pain he is causing for our kids is my responsibility. My friend gave me a great gift when she said to me, "that is not why you chose him. List the reasons you chose him -- be specific. Can I live with that? Yeah, I can, cause I can focus on his positive traits, he does have some extraordinarily positive traits and that is why I chose him. Now learn from and then let go of the rest. OK, kind of like amends. I can't change the past, I can learn, I mean I too am a life long learner, so this is a learning moment for me!! I've finished this semester and am ready to move on to the next! .... So then a few days later my anger for what he's been doing the past few weeks was high ... and feeling anger felt good, it felt healthy ... I had stuffed it for too long. And what came to me was 'OK, I'm angry at the ___, that is OK, if I'm angry go ahead and feel it, but just like in the rest of al anon, now that I've accepted my anger, what am I going to do about it?' I have a responsibility to express my anger in a responsible way, to focus that energy in a way that is in sync with how I want to live my life in this program -- so that I can stay true to me and to my program. The 'what am I going to do about it' action question that I've learned in al anon that comes after awareness and acceptance -- well, that made sense to me.
So, take whatever of this is useful to you, and leave the rest.
I heard an A share in an anniversary mtg. He said during his drinking days, he would sit at the bar, want to be home with his wife and kids, but literally not know how to make that happen.
The disease is that strong.
I pondered this for a long time, and finally decided that although I couldn't really understand it, I could admit the possibility that it was true for him. And in some strange way, this seemed to help - so I pass it on, in hopes that it might help someone else too.
I think sometimes, it's not that the A is lying, in the sense that they're intentionally saying something they know to be untrue.... it's that the disease has robbed them of the ability to follow through on making the things they say they want - and may genuinely want - happen; robbed them, sometimes, of even the ability to think of what those follow-through actions might be.
I'm not sure how this fits in with the whole idea of accepting that it's a disease, yet not accepting unacceptable behaviour, and making the A responsible for the consequences of their own actions.
I'm glad you're getting the feelings out - for me, I had stuffed them for so long - knowing there wasn't a thing I could "do" at the time - I was so surprised that just sharing them could shift things for me.
can take time, journaling, meditation, working the steps, working with a sponsor, venting, posting, and/or lots of other things. You go right ahead and work on what is healthy for you to do to process those feelings. Never forget when you take those trips down memory lane - that in the past - you were doing the best you could with what you had - Now your HP is giving you tools to make better choices for your life - You seem to be doing the work to let it go - keep it up - hang in there - don't forget to take time to take care of you.