The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last 6 years or so the A has spent every Christmas with his mother. I used to be so filled with jealousy and abandonment about it. I had some kind of fantasy that if he were around he would be "there".
Well this year I got to experience a Christmas with the a. He had tantrums, he sulked, he raged. I can't say there was anything remotely enjoyable about it. I did stop reacting but not reacting is such a discipline. I found it incredibly difficult. I had to work too.
I realise the A had me hooked into some kind of fantasy that he could be "there". In reality he can't. I am on plan b. This is a hard month with tons of bills. The A has let the internet connection go down and that is so so so difficult for me. Normally I would be furious. This year I am not I am not even fed up. I am beyond the rage now. I just see his sickness in every sentence in every breath he takes. I no longer try to change it. I do respond I move myself out of his way. I could not see that he had so little control before.
Anyway I am sure the fantasy I have that the A could be present or was "present' at some time will be something I have to work on further. I know he can do a great snow job. I knnow also not fighting him means I have more room and time to plan b but plan b seems endless at the moment. I know I've made strides on it but there is so much that has to be done on it sometimes I feel weak and ineffective.
Sounds like the veil of denial is clearing and you are seeing your situation as it truly is.
I remember when I had to let go of the "dream" of what my life was supposed to be. Though it now feels great that I am dealing with reality, I do remember the sadness and grief of letting go so I just wanted to give you a ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) to let you know that you are not alone. That we care.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
gads tiny lady, you are doing so well!!! i know ya probably feel crummy, but what progress!!!
It is horribly sad to really get out of that denial and see how sick they are. It is good for us however. Like you said the rage is no more, nothing ness really comes and protects us.
I understand what you mean. I used to wish my A could be honest with me. Well I got half my wish, he tells me about everything he drinks/uses, friends and so on. If it was not for the fact that seeing the truth of his reality is not somewhere I want to be, I would wish I wouldn't hear it anymore. There are still lies too, they are in his own head at any given moment and change easily.
It's tough learning to walk away and not react. Patience was never my strong suit, this crash course is making me a better person in the long run
I feel what you are going through. You are strong, though, I can see it in your words. It is kind of a hard acceptance to totally accept that you are powerless and to quit fighting. It is not really a relief, I think a kind of sadness. But it does get better. The rage is gone, that is really good. The rage is such a horrid feeling and a big cover for a hurt heart.
I am so proud that you are taking care of you and making plan Bs. The financial thing hurts also, it is good to begin to be self-sufficient and be only responsible for your finances. I wish you so much love, and hugs, and prayer and support. I hope you have a face to face to attend where you may find love and many friends.
