The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I told awhile ago of my plan to give my A son money and hold his car until he could buy it back. Well, it didn't happen right away but has finally about 2 weeks ago.
Anyway, he is at my home this week because his daughters are spending the week with us. He had a cyst under his arm which had become infected. He also got a call for a job interview which he had been waiting for. I let him use my car for those 2 things. I had to take my husband's car to work because of this. Of course he was not too happy about the arrangement.
Today I feel like I did the wrong thing in trying to help him out. He did, however, get the cyst lanced and did land the job.
I hope that what I am feeling(that I enabled) is wrong and that giving him this chance was something I felt I needed to do. I just hope it ends there.
It's so hard to know sometimes involving our children.
I go through this too. For me lately, I tell myself I make the decision I did based on the knowledge I had and the circumstances at the time. I did the best I could.
Then I turn it over to God. I daily pray for His wisdom and guidance. Then when the doubts come and I feel like beating myself up over a decision I made, I make myself STOP ... and remember the above and give it back to God.
Once a decision is made it becomes .. a thing I cannot change. Therefore I must accept it as such. If it turns out to be a wrong decision we can learn from it and move on.
I agree with Irish, you made the decision and it is over.
That whole enabling thing is sure tough sometimes. What is, what isnt. You are aware of the concept now, that is the first thing we had to learn about doing those things for others. To see how our actions were contributing to things.
It is a process now. When a situation comes up we can now look at it and ask ourselves should I do this? Is this something that might do some good or is it something that is just going to contribute to an already problematic situation. Is this something that might cause me to have a resentment? Make the decision and go on.
Sounds like you were not taken advantage of, if the car was used to get a medical condition fixed AND he got a job!
You get to decide the next time, if there is a next time, if you are going to help or not.
I don't yet have to deal with this, as so far there is no sign of the disease in my kids (praying, praying...) but I have always thought that it would be so hard being in your position. What is enabling, and what is just normal helping out? After all, healthy parents with healthy kids, in famililes that have never SEEN an A, help their kids out all the time. It's part of being a family, it is normal and healthy and loving and right.
In this case, it looks to me like you did the right thing - it doesn't look like you caved entirely, but instead gave a hand in aid of good things - medical treatment and a job. You didn't give him a car to keep, and it wasn't so he could go out drinking or to buy drugs. It looks to me like moving towards health, rather than away from it.
I certainly think you did not enable anything in this case. His need was very important (health and a job) and you helped him with his need. It turned out well and I don't think you need to second guess a thing.
I don't know hon. I agree with David. I think the outcome was worth it. Look at the bright side -- you now know what it is. You get to decide whether it's right for you or not.
If you son had taken the car to the bar instead of doctor's or job interview, I could see where it would feel worse, but things are looking up for him. As a parent, a little support goes a long way, IMHO.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I believe i have learned in alanon that this type thing is your call. I am so glad he got things taken care of. And he got a job, that is great!
And yes, you enabled him to get health care and a chance at a job! hmmm something tells me this was not a bad thing!!
My son got back from survivor school, went to the drug and alcohol counselor, had a dirty u/a. he was so upset. told me no way. I "chose" to believe him. The counselor was rude to him.
Turned out it was wrong. Thank hp I chose to believe my son. counselor never even apologised to him.
Oh hug those girls!!! I have boy g kids~ much much love,debilyn
Gailey, nobody knows except the ones involved if it is a good decision or not. I look at what you did as giving your son a chance to re-establish a little bit of trust. Fortunately it worked out and you can feel good about it.
My A/DA son asked for the use of my car to go for a job interview about 2 hours away. He said he would be back the same day so I talked to my HP about it and decided to give him one more chance. My story didn't turn out the way yours did. There was no job interview, the car did not come home when it was promised and the following day hubby and I drove over to son's apartment only to find my car sitting in a different parking lot from where he normally parks. To me it was a try on his part to hide the car if we were out looking for it. Hubby then calls son on the cell phone and asks when he will be back. Son replies that he is on his way, big long lie about what is taking him so long. That was when hubby informed him we were standing beside the car in the parking lot. OOPSY caught again. Needless to say my son will never borrow one of our vehicles again. He has proven to me on many occasions that I cannot trust him and I don't know if he will live long enough to regain that trust. Believe me I would much rather be able to trust him than to doubt everything he says to me but in order to protect myself and my livlihood I have to live on the edge of caution where he is concerned.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Someone once post on here that recovery is dance - steps forward, backwards and even side steps. For me, I believe that we are all trying to make the best decision we can at the time and place we are in our recovery (and the time & place our loved ones our in their recovery).
Try to just breathe - it's ok - you're ok - you are growing in your program of recovery just the way your HP wants you to. These steps we make with our adult children are tough. I, like you, still wonder about some of the ones I make - but I am trying to remember what's done is done & ask for my HP to show me the next time if I need to make a different choice.
I'm glad you are getting to spend time with him & the granddaughters. What a beautiful blessing. Hope that you are able to enjoy your time with them.
Hang in there, Gail, and don't forget to try to be good to you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
