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hi so any advice on how to handle the time away from a boyfriend who is in rehab for the next few weeks? i am trying to take care of me - but even that seems to revolve around handling my emotions about him - fielding heavy interactions from his extended family - etc. i am a single mom with two kids and them and my job and the house all keep me so busy to say the least...i sometimes wonder why i am giving so much to him? *it was almost easier when he was here drunk for me to stay clear about myself and do what i wanted to /needed to. these early recovery days for him ...and for me....seem harder. another point - he has a mother who seems intent on arranging his life to be in order for him when he gets out....something i feel so strongly he needs to work out himself....hard for me to let that go of that ,tho i know it has nothing to do with me...just seems detrimental to his recovery...but again,i know that is all out of my control. have others been here before? in new found solidarity and love, fifi
Are there things that you have not been doing, because you needed to be there for him, or because he would not approve, or just because? I found even little things like reading in bed, which I could not do with him there, helped to ease loneliness and that "I can't stand to be without him" feeling. Watching TV with the kids, making things for supper that he wouldn't like but you do, playing the radio loud when he would normally be sleeping or hungover.....you will probably find that there are many little ways that living without him can be nice. There is no point in spending this time worrying about what will happen when he gets back, or in worrying about him. He is in the best place for him, you can just set him down when he enters your thoughts. Time enough to think about what post-rehab will be like when you get there. The only preparation you need is to keep working your own program, keep the focus on you.The healthier you are, the more you get out of the way of his ecovery, the more you help him and yourself.
I can relate to what you're saying. My husband was in a recovery center for 30 days, then almost a year later, served 5 months jail time for the dui's. When he was in the recovery center, it was very hard, then became easier, as I became comfortable with MYSELF, without his stuff going on around me. I could just focus on ME (and my daughter, of course).
The counselors at the recovery center told us that when they get home, it would be a bit different, as now you were out of your "comfort zone"...your alcoholic/addict was now sober 30 days and had the tools to change his/her life. Too bad we alanoners don't have a recovery center to go to while they are in theirs!
Anyway, it is normal what you're feeling. I bought books while my A was away, and bought a nice padded (lol) chaise lounge chair and put it on our back deck. I spent many nice mornings and afternoons just reading out on the deck, which backed up to a woods. At first, I felt guilty for buying the lounge chair, especially since we were without his income for that month (it was only about $25.00, lolol). But you know, I deserved the peace and quite, the solitude of being out there doing something I enjoyed! And I felt like the chair was an investment in my serenity!
I also had heavy interactions, as you put it, from his family, as he worked with them, and was very, very involved with them. One of his brothers, a recovering A, actually works as a counselor at the recovery center. But my husband learned the tools that he needed to not fall into their trap of enabling and codependency.
I was afraid of his family "driving him nuts...driving him to drink" again, lolol, but really it was not them, it was him not knowing how to deal with them and choosing to drink it away.
Hopefully your A will be learning tools to help him in his recovery when he is out. All you can do is all you can do. No more, no less. Focus on YOUR recovery. I remember saying the Serenity Prayer over and over and over and OVER again and again. It helped me soooooo much. You wouldn't think it could, but prayer is a powerful thing!
Take care, and post often. Everyone is here to help you get help and healing.
You are so right and got it so much faster than I. My A is 55 and still does what mommie wants. He would be living with her but she is in a nursing home now.
I guess if Iwere you I would do my best to find an alanon group, read literature and maybe start a journal.
Sometimes sobriety for an A and their loved ones is harder. This is why it feels so much better when we learn to take care of us.
Keep posting here too. Their are meetings here in the chat room, they are cool. Also the chat room just to visit is fun.
you can also fly here and help me get the darn hay in!!! Hugs,debilyn
I'm kinda short on wisdom this morning. But just know I am thinking of you, praying you get by this. Just stay with our programme. Keep comming to this board, and If you have not already tried It, Please try the chatroom. There are wonderful people In there with loads to give you. That Is the way to change your attitudes to ALL other people.
Wishing you all the luck In the world. I'm here for you anytime. I am sending you a private message fifi.
