The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can make choices in my own life - in my actions, words, and even thoughts if I work at it. But when it comes to others, I am just a witness.
This not only applies to alcoholics, but to their families and friends - in and out of the Alanon rooms, who are suffering the consequences of the disease. I can't make an alcoholic stop drinking... and I can't make their loved ones get better either.
Are we so different from our alcoholics? Is our denial any less than theirs? Is our own inaction any less destructive than theirs?
In AA over the years, I have seen countless alcoholics pass through the revolving door, once, twice, ten times. They didn't want what was offered, or for whatever reason, were unable to receive it. I see the exact same thing in Alanon. I see sad, grieving wives, husbands, parents... hurting so bad that I just know they are ready, that they will be back. And then they are gone... back to their sadness. Back on the merry-go-round.
It's so easy to be judgemental, to shrug at those who "aren't ready". We have a saying in AA that may sound rather harsh and cold, but it has a big chunk of truth to it: It goes, "Thanks for relapsing, so I didn't have to". When someone relapses, and shares their experience, it _does_ help the rest of us. Those of us who are so good at talking ourselves out of the program, minimizing the disease and its effects as time goes by. I need to hear from the oldtimers, but I need to hear the word from a minute ago on the street too. None of us are far from the street, ever; oldtimers have gained experience, not distance.
An Alanon relapse is not as easily defined or as obvious as an alcoholic one, but I think we all understand the meaning as it applies to us. When we get sucked back into that behavior... another chance... doing the same thing again expecting a different result... it's embarrassing and we get angry at ourselves. But sharing is the best thing. It helps all of us. I hope that I can be of use and when I have my regressions into manipulation, controlling, resentments, blaming, anger... that I can share them and even if it's embarrassing, I'll feel better. And you all can be the witnesses.
I find it disconcerting that my HP may find me more useful when I'm battered and smarting from my latest attempt to rule the world, than when I'm cruising along on my pink cloud of serenity. But strangely gratifying that I may be useful in such a humbling condition. I am in that condition more often than I let on, I think. This medium allows for it to be masked better -- by simply choosing not to post unless I am feeling brilliant and wise. But God seems to be saying to me... when *I* am thinking I'm brilliant and wise, I may be just superficial and aloof. Maybe there is wisdom in pain... even while it's still being felt.
Our lives are all progress .... not perfection. We will never have a day that we don't need the spirituality of this program ... a relationship with our HP. (whatever you may call Him)
Not one of us has "arrived" at a point where we cannot learn from others if we are listening.
So often we are so sensitive to something someone has said .. sometimes a little too sensitive. We are all on this road together .... one day i might be up and be able to reach a hand out for you ... the next time maybe the opposite ... you reaching a hand out to help me. Not one of us truly know another's circumstances but we can always offer support and love.
Thanks Bari I think about this a lot. When I think I'm different from my A I'm in trouble. I remember the shift inside me one night here when I realized it's time to apologize to my A for having acted out that illusion of difference. I came clean. I still need to do this (note to self - it's time again). I like the nudge of not waiting for brilliance, that we can post anyway. Good topic thanks for bringing it to light. Jill
Wise words, Barisax. I remember hearing in one room or the other (not sure which fellowship -- maybe both) that HOW you work the program is to be Humble, Open and Willing. I think the humble part is especially important for me -- and the former post was so right -- I often need to come clean and admit my mistakes and apologize to my AH. When I do, I think he opens up to me more... his walls that my manipulation, criticism, judgment , etc. created seem to come down and we can really talk and be functional, rational partners in this thing called relationship.
Thanks for the post and the encouargement to keep sharing!
you make me think that i am human after all! and i have a new perspective on "telling on myself". i am so scared to feel anything at the moment that i am choosing to feel nothing at all. i recognize this and i believe that it will change as everything eventually does. but in the meantime i know there are steps i can take to live in the reality of the human race. thanks for your insights.
Thanks for an awesome post. You are right - we can truly help one another by humbly offering our vulnerability and sharing of ourselves. I tried for many years to shield myself from doing so - if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. I learned ways to 'cope' which actually made it worse for me and the onion needed to be peeled one layer after another. I was the fixer, the problem solver, the one with arrogant self-confidence (but no self worth or intimacy)... one of my defects is just that - fear of intimacy and vulnerability. I've learned that I need to feel, share, trust and let go with others - I don't have to know the answer. I can fumble, stumble, hurt, be afraid and that it is ok- even healthy for me to do so. I can be powerless that is ok. I don't have to control, I can let go. When I do so, I feel better, I feel true to myself, more live and connected and healthier. It is then that i really grow, connect with and serve others.
Thanks for an awesome post. You are right - we can truly help one another by humbly offering our vulnerability and sharing of ourselves. I tried for many years to shield myself from doing so - if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. I learned ways to 'cope' which actually made it worse for me and the onion needed to be peeled one layer after another. I was the fixer, the problem solver, the one with arrogant self-confidence (but no self worth or intimacy)... one of my defects is just that - fear of intimacy and vulnerability. I've learned that I need to feel, share, trust and let go with others - I don't have to know the answer. I can fumble, stumble, hurt, be afraid and that it is ok- even healthy for me to do so. I can be powerless that is ok. I don't have to control, I can let go. When I do so, I feel better, I feel true to myself, more live and connected and healthier. It is then that i really grow, connect with and serve others.
Thanks for the reminder! Excellent post
Wait a minute, I'm trying to understand. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? Why in the name of God would I let myself be vulnerable and open to more of my husband's violence, anger, abuse, dismissal and controlling? Every time I became vulnerable and shared with him some of my deepest darkest secrets he would use it against me at a later time. Thats what Alcoholics do, they take the very best part of you and use it against you. My advice is to be on guard, you never know when they are going to hurt you again. Or better yet, dump the son of a bitch. Unless of course I enjoy being threatened, choked, thrown across the room, get to watch him break every dish in the kitchen, hustle up my friends, cheat and lie about it and everything else. And this is someone who was supposed to love me. I can't wait till I meet someone who hates me. Happy New Year!!! Thanks for listening, I'm just having a bad night.
