The material presented
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It has been a while since I have posted, why I am not sure.. I have read posts just havent posted myself. It has been almost 4 months since my seperation from my husband. He is still living in the camper at a campground across town while the kids and I are in the house. While we are seperated we talk several times a day and see each other if not every day every other day. We are still intimate and still tell each other we love each other with every conversation. My husband isnt drinking right now, although he is struggling I am sure of that. As most of you know my husband got is first DUI in September less than a week after I kicked him out of our home. He is meeting with a counselor weekly but isnt attending meetings. I too am attending counseling alone weekly try to focus on me.. I have grown thru this... I went out with friends, danced until 2am.. Laughed, went to movies with friends, dinner etc.. The bottom line is I want my family back.. !! I dont want any man in my life but him. Christmas was wonderful, we were a family again.. We went to dinner on Christmas Eve, then he stayed the night. We got up the next morning opened gifts and just had a great day.. Then about 7pm he got ready to go back to the camper.. I told him he could stay and he says, you ask me to leave, you kicked me out.. Remember.. ?? Now I feel rejected, confused, and depressed .. Me, well I fell apart.. I cried myself to sleep and have felt miserable all day today.. Just sick to my stomache. I feel like I am living on the fence.. I see the man that I fell in love with and we get a glimpse of the family we once had then POOF>> it is gone.. !! I feel like a concrete block has hit me on the head... !!
I am hoping that someone has some ESH to share ... I am sure that I am not the only one that has been in this situation..
Same story, different situation. I also spent christmas day feeling rejected and crying all day. But I am beginning to wonder Is It worth It. Why do we keep putting ourselves throught this. Are thet (men), spending a full day crying over us. Well I don't think mine was. His son came first in the line, (I accept that), and AA came second, ( I accept that too). Now I have to wonder where In that line do I fit In, If at all.
You can only work on you Tammy. and support your A, be there for him. He Is having a tough time aswell. And maybe he was right, you asked him to leave, and then asked him to stay. Maybe you both need this time apart to work on you emotions. Don't rush things.
I can understand you had your family back and It felt natural and good for you. But he Is changing too.
Please be patient Tammy and take It A Day At A Time
Glad to see you back Tammy. Well you know I can relate. But since I did not have kids at home, I could decide when he would come, and if he needed to go.
I took every bit of the good time my A had that I could. At first it was of course years then over time it got clear down to a day. Now it is never.
To me it was like any disease, I knew he was dieing slowly from it, and it sped up to where it took him completely away. did not want to waste any time when he was doing well.
If I had the kids home, I would not have seen him. It would have torn them apart.
One thing I told my daughter who the father of Sprout is A, she is thinking about living with him again.
I said if I were you I would wait and see what he does. See if he works hard, saves money, rents a home for you, goes to AA. But to move in with out any changes, it is insane to expect it to last or be different.
For me I always knew it was temporary. Each time he came home the time was less and less, part of the reason was he could only go so long and not use.
What changes has he made? Not going to meetings? I guess for me, I thought about the worst he ever was, then ask myself do I really want to go thru that again? Becuz you do. A's are sick, they get sicker, few do make it with out relapse.
many cannot hold a job. I find it interesting you say his "first" DUI, sounds like you know he will have more. I think you meant it is his first meaning he never had one before.
It is my opinion and my experience when the A says something like, well you are the one who made the decision, they are manipulating. They are putting a guilt trip on you. NOT that his disease became unbearable to live with, but you just kicked him out...just becuz.
He could have just as easily stayed and said I am glad to stay. But he chose to hurt you.
Or the disease did.
oh tammy, I reread you post. Oh I remember, yes! Things would have felt so good, just normal and out of the blue he would throw something or say something evil and be so awful. And mess everything up. The disease does that. It hurts awful.
Then he would get so bad, then use and I would send him away again.
I am glad you are here, I hope you keep us updated.
Have you been to alanon face to face? It would help you. You might consider an open AA meeting too.
Boy, can I relate. It's enough to mess with your head. It helps if you try to stay in reality, not in the fantasy. If I get a glimpse of what I WANT, and it really isn't the norm, my head wants to go to la-la land and my heart wants to break and the tears start to flow. I'm pining over what I wish was, but isn't.
There is balance in this, because what you had was a wonderful Christmas, a great time with your AH who you love. That was real. Be grateful for the moment. Stay in the moment -- appreciate it and hold on to those good days. They are real....only they are not everyday.
The balance is in not being angry all the time -- when they are the way they are, lol. It's also not falling out of our program when they are fantastic -- the way they can be on occassion.
We get glimpses of the people we know they can be. There is always hope. The reality is what we've already experienced and it does us no good to forget where we've already been -- there is a reason you asked him to leave.
For me, I can't dwell on either the really bad days or the really great days. I accept what has happened as being real, I appreciate the good days and do the best I can to live in the moment. I call my sponsor ASAP when I find I'm wanting to send my A to Hell, LOL or wanting to make him the center of my world with love and devotion.
I think Ally nailed it on the head --- We put ourselves thru this, they aren't doing it to us. And believe it or not, you have it in your own power to change where you are at in your thinking.
You are going to be okay. "For this moment in time" it is what it is -- tomorrow you never know how things may be.
a) you did kick him out - good for family, healing, self-care--it is a boundary; boundaries work only if both sides stick to it; for him, he may have also been confused and hurt and not understanding when you asked him to stay... BOTH sides need the boundaries, it is about safe
b) you mentioned he is not in a program. you are thinking about him NOT being in a program. he NOT being in a program MATTERS, or why would you have mentioned it. it would be GOOD for him to be in a program - it is structure, learning, healing- you know, you are in one. in my opinion and I would guess the opinion of many others, it is OKAY for you to need him to be in a program; you CAN ask him, although the choice is his;
i think you are doing marvelous and thriving in your own recovery; you're doing great, gal. keep coming back and getting advice from this WONDERFUL pool of people. soooo much ESH, here to be yours
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
The father of my son and I have been separated since Feb. this year, so it has been going on like you were describing, for a whole year. And we still haven't been able to get it together. We also talked every night even though we were no longer living together. We agreed with both still love each other. And he would come stay the night sometimes.
But it would be good for a couple weeks then horrendously bad. Always up and down. Always to do with the alcohol. Things would be great then he'd have a lapse and binge drink at home because he thought 'oh well, no one's around, not hurting anyone, and she (me) won't know'. But then if I did find out it would put me into an absolute spin. Because it is a big reason we can't live together, and if he was committed to this relationship and loved me he would do something about it, because it is a huge wedge between us. I told him I will never live together with him again until it's sorted out.
Finally I told him I'm having no more of this in the New Year. And I found out today he still hasn't gotten it together. He lied about going to AA, among other things.
I still get drawn to him too, because I too want us to be a family ultimately. But I can't ignore the reality of it. And I have to think of the safety of me and my son (physically and emotionally). I used to cry and feel lonely and like I'll always be alone, but I don't feel that way anymore, haven't cried about it in a loong time now. Especially since coming to this forum.
So glad you are here. I missed you. I am sure glad you had a nice Christmas and you did have some good times. The thing that helped me most and still does was not having expectations. It is the hardest thing I had to do but I am learning that what I do expect right now is AH to drink. That's what alcoholics do. And the horrid behavior that goes with it,unfortunately. It is the hardest thing to accept, that the person you love has this devastating disease. They hurt themselves, and everyone around them.
It is so so important though for you and for him to begin to take care of yourself - it sounds like you are getting out and doing other things. Laughing is a big one, so glad you are doing that. I have cried so much this year I think I had forgotten what laughter was. I was so serious at work and at home. I went to Dallas to visit my girlfriend and we got together with she and her friends and we laughed, it was a good feeling!
REading the literature, having quiet time every single day, praying, and going to meetings. That is all I know that works. You WILL get stronger, you WILL feel better, and you WILL feel better. I believe in you, and I know you can do this. My prayers are with you in your pain, and I believe that you will grow tremendously through this time, and HP has a plan for you and for your family. Be patient and loving to yourself...
Reread your post. You absolutely showed your love by asking him to leave. Standing up to the disease. My AHsober left last year. We were together for the holidays with our sons. It was wonderful but the disease in both of us is still there. Like debilyn said, they don't sit around crying for us. I told my husband that I wasn't going to talk to the disease because it is cunning, it lies, and it is out to get me. Stay strong in your commitments.
