The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas. Mine was pretty good, as I spent it with my kids and wife who I am separated from. Probably not so odd that having a good Christmas together reminded me of a better time and a yearning for that time once again. Alcohol did not seem to cause any problems this Christmas and everyone just had a nice time. I find myself wondering if things could be better if we tried one more time, yea I cant believe that I am considering that, but the happiness I saw in my kids eyes, my soon to be X’s eyes as well as mine yesterday really make me think. I am at ends as I ended up in a relationship with another woman since the separation (which has been about a year and a half). I really did not want to replace my wife but the relationship just grew, I guess because I liked the gal, however for most of the time I felt sorry for her as she has been going through a divorce and seemingly had no one to lean on, not even her parents who were pretty upset with her at the time. She constantly informing me that she has no one but me. So here I come with the cape and lean on me attitude and I’ll fix everything…yea right. I really care for this woman however I find that it is making my life a living hell as I have not come to grips with my own marriage, and to make matters worse she makes me feel bad when I am not able to be with her especially when I am going to be with my kids. I find myself playing the balancing act trying to keep everyone happy, her, my wife my kids. I have over the last 6 months have reflected on the things that I did wrong, or just didn’t do at all during the marriage and I do have some major regrets. I still don’t believe that I can live with my wife again because there will still be those nights that she has a few to many and I just detest how she acts when she drinks and I still to this day do not react very well to this as it sickens me. I do still love her however, funny I am not really attracted to her, I have always loved the woman she was when she is not being controlled by her addictions, lately however she seems to have grown up a lot since the separation, maybe we both have I don’t know…I find myself wanting to give it another try however I do not want to hurt another person, hence the other gal. If I do it will be very difficult as she works at the same place with me and I see her every day…I guess I am just writing this in hopes that I can find peace and happiness for everyone involved. I know that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. I can sure make an impact on my kid’s lives though, even if putting the family back together is not the answer. I thought that I would find some answers while I was away for a couple months in Iraq, I figured I would have it all figured out by the time I returned home…needless to say that did not happen. Now I think it is time to ask God for help cause I have lost faith in myself, as I have become something that I respect less than the addict has in my life. Funny I used to have all the answers, don’t have many now.
Oh what a life we lead (lol). I can relate so much to your post, but not from your side. I am also in a kind of a relationship, with a recovering A, I know I can become dependant on him, I am becomming depentant on him. For my happiness, and I know thats wrong. I feel this person you are In a relationship with, may feel the same with you. Yes you don't want to hurt her. But you cannot stay with her for that purpose only.
If you feel In your heart, you belong with your wife and kids, then you have to work towards that. By ending your relationship with this person, she will hurt, but It is not fair to prolong the friendship If It's not in your heart.
Working with people Is a BIG thing also. I thing you will have to pray for guidence on that one. I only hope you can end It amicably and remain friends In the work place. Sometime we worry ourselves sick and project the outcome will be negative. Who knows.
Glad you posted, And I wish you all the luck in the world. Go with your gut feeling, when It comes to matters of the heart mark.
I don't know if my perspective of things will help or not, but here goes. When someone is too needy for my comfort and I can see the manipulation tactics taking place (and it is manipulation when you feel you have to choose between someone and your kids), I use my Alanon tools box. I am doing that needy person no favor by meeting their needs the way THEY want them met. I am only escalating the situation and making it worse for them. If I'm riding in with my cape, they will never learn to stand on their own and be happy with who they are. It is much easier to step back and allow the person to find their own way if you are doing it from a place of caring. I don't want th people in my life to be needy, nor do I want to feel trapped in their need. What I want most is for them to stand on thir own and need no one to find their happiness and inner peace. I also do not want to be the person that stops them from finding it by always being their safety net.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
