The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just want to start by saying that I am very unsure of the whole Al-anon experience. I joined online several years ago and was very turned off by the response that I got from that meeting and have never tried again. I have so many things going through my mind on a daily basis that i don't even know where to start.
I guess I will start by saying that my real father was an abusive alcoholic and he was only a part of my life until around the age of four. Then my mother married my step father which was a good man until my teens and he became an abusive alsoholic as well. i swore I would never marry someone like them but of course as luck would have it I did. I love my husband but he is an alcoholic as well. I am 33 years old and we have four children that range from 16 to 10. We have continually split up and gotten back together over our 12 year marriage. I love him more than he could possibly know.
He has gotten into trouble over the years and his parents always bailed him out no matter what. And somehow it is always my fault. Either I pushed his buttons or I put myself in a man's position and got what I deserved. In a strange way I always looked at them as my parents because mine were never really there for me and kicking me out of the house and when I couldn't get that from them it made me mad. It didn't help my marriage that they lived 2 streets away and when ever my husband and I would get into a fight or he went to jail they would give him a place to stay and bail him out. Needless to say they have nothing to do with me or the kids because my husband and I got back together several months ago and that goes for my family also they haven't spoken to me and the kids in over 3 years now because I am still with my husband. I try and do the best I can day to day.
I would have to say that there have been times he has gotten into trouble and it costs us financially but I don't think that it has ever been this hard as it was yesterday. He had already gotten into trouble and was on probation in 2 different counties one for dwi and the other for domesticc violence from several years ago but a few weeks ago he received a second dwi with my son in the car. He was going to an outpatient group and attending AA and was encouraging me to go to Al-anon and then gets the new dwi. He is going to be locked up for 1-3 years and I am trying to hold it together with a couple of friends and no family and no in laws either. I am very upset they didn't get the kids anything for christmas or what to see them because of me. When I tried to call them adn tell them that he had went to jail they hung up on my 4 times before I could even tell them. We work a part time job and I am continuing to do that as well as work my full time job and then have the kids and the other stuff.I am trying to stay strong and hold it together but all I can do is cry. I want him out so bad and then to have my youngest crying at the jail last night wanting his dad to come home broke my heart.
In a way I am glad that his and my family are out of the picture so that it can finally be our marriage and about us and our children but on the other side I am so lonely. He was all I had and now he is gone. They have court ordered him into a intensive inpatent care center and he really wants it to work and I hope it does. He is not a bad man or dad he just has a problem with alcohol. In the other meeting I was in they all preached that I should get a divorce and leave him but I refuse to do that. I know you might say then I get what I deserve and I guess that would be fine. I just don't know what else to do but I don't want to be told to get a divorce and then to have to maek amends with his and my family is something really hard for me to face and I know I read that is one of the steps. Even if I did they wouldn't accept it anyway. I just don't know if this program is going to work for me or not but even the judge told me I need to get into Al-anon when she put him in jail.
I am sorry if I am speaking in circles I just don't know where to turn I am trying to be strong for him and for my kids but on the inside I am a mess. I love this man more than anything and I want my marriage to work. If you have any insight into my situation I would appreciate it if I didn't confuse you too much!!! :)
I am soooo sorry you are hurting. I can relate, in a way, because my husband was a secret alcoholic. He totally messed up our finances, was arrested twice before I put him in treatment, and has spent 5 months in jail, with only me working to clean up financial messes he made. It was very hard on me, and I cried all the time initially. I have no relatives here where I live, except for a sister and nephew about 1 hour away. She is a workaholic, and was not available for me if I needed someone.
My local Alanon groups became my family. I also had someone tell me about our local help center, which helps with groceries and utility bills if you need it. I thought, I can't go there and ask for help...I was too proud, didn't want people to think I was not capable of making it on my own, but I needed the help. I COULDN'T make it on my own. I did have the help of my church as well, but I didn't need to ask them for any money, thankfully. I did know they were there to help me if I need to ask. I did talk to one good friend of mine, who is my Sunday school teacher, on many, many occasions for clear-headed advice for certain problems that would come up. That was very helpful.
I know it seems like no one is there for you when you're hurting soooooo bad, like no one knows what you're going through. But that's not true. There are many, many resources available out there if you can just bring yourself to search for them. Alanon members have a ton of experience and can help guide you to that help.
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with Alanon years ago. Please try several local meetings before you decide that it's not right for you. Sometimes it's hard to click with a certain group - if that's so, then try another meeting. Also, don't give up on online meetings. Sometimes it takes sitting through several before you feel comfortable with them.
Please come back and keep posting here. It's really a great group of people, and I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms.
I just wanted to tell you that my first experience with Alanon was 10 yrs ago and I didn't like it either. I walked away and didn't come back until 2 yrs ago. When I came back I was of a different mindset and heard what was said to me in a different way. This time I can appreciate Alanon and and the changes it has made my life. Please try again. Alanon meetings are not to tell you whether to stay or go and if that was the case it definately was not the meeting for you (or anyone else for that matter).
What Alanon does do is offer you a hand in friendship, coping tools and by doing the steps you can understand how you got where you are and what to do about it. If your children could begin Alanon it may help from repeating the same pattern and everyone would be on the same page.
My belief is that we create our own circumstances. It took me a while to come to that conclusion. It is through MY choices that my life was/is where it is. I am not a victim, but allowed myself to be and percieved myself to be.
Through Alanon and and other spiritual sources I now know ( I should say I believe as to not stir up others beliefs) that the path I walked was not predestined. I was given free will. That means I have the power to change my circumstances. I can play the victim roll or challenge myself and become the confident, happy person I envision and that my HP meant for me to be.
My path has not been an easy one my stretch of the imagination. I have walked through the valley of death, literally. These people and this program and my own spiritual growth have brought me where I am, which is far better then where I was.
keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
