The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I doubt you all remember me but I'll introduce myself again. I'm the mother to three children ages 6,5,5. My husband is our alcoholic. He went off the deep end about six months ago and almost died and decided to turn his life around. He went to church, got saved, moved home and things were great. Now........he had to get a job on the other coast which is four hours from home and apparently this gave him reason to start drinking again. When he came home this weekend, on Saturday I found a cigerette pack with a pain killer in it. It was on the floor of my children's bathroom! It was behind their toilet. I told him he needed to leave for putting my kids at risk. He later told me "how sorry he was" (same ol) He said he needed the pain killer to help him with his shakes. Of course....it's his jobs fault he's drinking because he's away from us. I can not be his savior. I won't take his calls. He left a message saying he's quitting his job. He's not welcome back here and he knows it. I am having my church help me and I'm leaving for good. I've been through seven years of HELL with this man. I hated seeing the hurt in my children's eyes. They knew what was going on this time. Everytime I think about what he's done I physically get sick. I don't think it's possible to be so disgusted with one person.
Since I've been gone I lost my best friend. She was 36 and died of liver failure from alcoholism. SHe died Aug 22nd. I saw the end of alcoholism and it was horrible. I will NOT watch alcohol take another one. Any advice would be great.
Good for you. Although, I have no advice, I can offer you my support. It sounds like you have made a decision based on what you want for you and your children. I am sure this was not an easy deciosion to make, so good luck and God Bless.
Hi friend and welcome back. I am glad you are here, it is home for us u know...(c:
Well I can feel the pain in your post. I know that one, ya feel happy becuz they are better then you are dashed with disappointment.
What I want to say, for me when I get disgusted or mad, I remind myself of that person I loved and love. Then remember he or she has a horrible disease. So I separate the two. I love my Ah, I hate the disease. I hate the behavior that the disease caused in my A.
I struggle too. It is not easy to detach and here you are with beautiful young kids to protect and care for. Hey btw GREAT for you asking for and accepting help! You are not being a victim victum? well you aren't anyhooo.
Am proud to see you keeping your wits about you. Also our kids will watch us for how we react to the sick spouse. Even my grown son gets so mad at his father the A. I remind him he is very very sick, like he is controlled. He does not want to be an A anymore than we can stand him when he is using and acting out.
He has softened towards my AH since I have been so detached and turned my life over to hp.
Maybe if you loved your A and hated the disease behavior it may help you in your life with out him. Bitterness and disgust only makes us feel bad. Plus it teaches the kiddos that too.
If I were you I would set my kids down, keep it short, maybe find some kids books on Aism and talk about it. Ask them what they think then guide them to find comfort. Daddy is very sick. He does not want to act like he does. We cannot live with him, but it is ok to still love him. We just don't like what the disease makes him do.
NO different than if he had a low blood sugar attack as a diabetic.
please take a moment and relax yourself. you are making a calm level-headed decision based on fact and truth. as deb, said, it is alright and needed to detach, with love. it is okay for you to still love him and he not be a destructive force in your life. the little ones don't know your pain of disappointment and maybe those bitter resentments... but they can learn it from you, or they can also learn your great love. you know what's best for you, and we'll still be here tomorrow to bounce feelings, thoughts, ideas, emotions off of.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I don't love AH anymore. I thought once he got sober I would find it again but I didn't. I hate the his smell. The cigs, his skin. It just all grosses me out. I stay married because of the kids and I know that's wrong. I filed for a divorce and I think that's what helped with his desicion to get sober. Now that I know HE doesn't want to be sober I'm done.
I fell for the "it's a disease" thing along time ago and it helped get me through a year or so and now I think that's a cop out. There is free-will and he has none. I'm only here to bury him and nothing more. I am to the point now that my feelings are "Lord, just take his life and get it over with". Isn't that horrible?
I don't think it matters whether you believe its a disease or not. It's just a matter of semantics. It's probably easier to define alcoholism as a form of insanity than a disease, but then again, insanity is classified as a disease in and of itself. Disease, insanity, willpower, demonic posession .... whatever you call it, the steps for OUR recovery remain the same.
Horrible, maybe, but undersandable with the pain they put us through. You feel what you feel, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Some are more useful, that 's all.
As for the "it's a disease" thing - I firmly believe that it is a disease. If it was just that they were assholes, they would do it in different ways. The same behaviours come up over and over again - they are signs and symptoms. However, this has no practical application - that is, your obligation and right to do what is best for you is the same, whether you believe in a disease, or whether you believe he is just worthless. Either way, the best thing is to take care of yourself. If you believe it is a disease, you can still love him, you don't have to beat yourself up and call yourself a fool for caring. It doesn't change what you DO, only how you feel.
I am glad your back , maybe this time u will stay in recovery for yourself. find meetings make new friends and get the support u need . and am sorry for the loss of your friend. that must have been painful for you . Unfortunatley this program does not work part time , u too need to recover from the disease of alcoholism . Louise
you know what is right for you. i also have a lot of deterrence of thinking about continuing my marriage -- perfect case in point that you made -- i'm not attracted to her, the gurgling gross empty stomach beer and cig smell -- ack? you want me to make love, TO THAT? no thanks, i will find somebody, someday, that can meet MY needs; especially without me giving up my life to deal with her anger, blame, depression, sad feelings, past history, need to medicate (booze) and other.
with love cj
PS (you are not alone in this)
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
.... whatever you call it, the steps for OUR recovery remain the same.