The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been up and down with emotions the last few days leading up to Christmas. Usually I'm upbeat, positive, but especially last nite and this morning it's been hard. I think I've gone from sad to hurt to lonely to angry to resentful to just plain I don't care.
We had planned to have Christmas here this morning at our house, with my daughter who lives here, her b/f, who was to spend the nite (not sleep with her, lolol ~ sure, sure...) and my husband and me. Last nite we were at a relative's house for a party, and during it, my daughter and her b/f left, saying his dad (he's still a senior in h.s.) said for him to come home, that he wanted him at his house for Christmas morning. When my hub and I got home from the party, daughter and b/f had already opened their presents to each other, and were at b/f's house. Daughter called me later and said his dad said she could sleep over there on the couch because he had a surprise for them Christmas morning. Found out the surprise was he'd fix breakfast for them. Daughter said she'd be home early, about 7 am this morning. I told her I really wished she'd stay home and wake up with us like we had already planned. She said she didn't want to since his dad had the surprise breakfast planned.
I woke up at 7 this morning, sad...made myself breakfast, husband still was asleep. I was reciting the Serenity Prayer for strength to be accepting of how things are at the MOMENT, and that I couldn't change what daughter wanted to do. So, I showered, and decided to tell hubby we'd open presents when I was finished. At 8:30, as we were beginning to open presents (not that there were that many to open, but Santa did leave a couple things for us...) I got a text from daughter saying she was getting ready to eat breakfast and that she'd be home in a bit, not to open presents yet. We decided that we would go ahead and have our Christmas together, since daughter and her b/f and his dad decided to rearrange our schedule for us.
At 9:15, daughter arrives home, over 2 hours later than she said she'd be home originally, and said, let's open presents! I told her we had already opened ours. She was shocked that we didn't wait for her. If that sounds harsh of us to not wait, I am sorry. But at the last minute they changed everything, so why should we have to wait til she was good and ready to come home? She said she set her cell phone alarm to get up at 6:45, but apparently it didn't go off, so it wasn't her fault that she wasn't home by 7. I told her it was her responsibility to make sure that she was home when she said she would be, regardless of if her phone alarm didn't go off. I said, it's hard to believe that it goes off any other time, but this morning it failed. Whatever...sigh.....
She said it didn't seem like Christmas without us opening presents together, and I said, well, it wasn't like Christmas with you not here this morning. I told her if she had planned this ahead of time, and not waited til Christmas Eve to change all our plans, I would be more accepting. But to change things at the last minute was rude, I think.
be proud, you set a boundary, it was attempted to be crossed, and you stuck by it. as little as it may seem, it is "working the program".
truly, your daughter is not harmed. she chose to not come at 0700, so be it. she can SAY anything she CHOOSES, but she isn't hurt, injured, or otherwise. she'll get used to abiding by your boundaries ONLY if you stick by them...
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It sounds like there are some control issues and passive aggressive behaviors from both directions instead of communication. Not knowing anything about you but from the post that is what I hear. Just my 2 cents. Merry Christmas, and opening the gifts sounds ok so long as it wasn't about retaliation for perceived hurt. A hug and a soft word with the communication? So the boundary was firm but not setting yourself behind the firing line shooting back?
Hey, I'm sorry, but I haven't been able to get this post out of my mind.
You know, at first I thought that you were the mother of a deceased child. Or maybe the mother of a woman in the forces. Or that your daughter was lost to addiction or a life of crime. I guess it's the title, it sounded so sad.
I think it is a little dramatic, and though it reflects hurt it certainly isn't the end of the world.
In fairness to your daughter, I think you should really take a step back and see that she is her own person now, and what makes her happy may not be what makes you feel like your life is in order, everything in place, happy and secure. Her needs matter too.
Maybe she wanted to spend this morning with her BFs dad and family because she wanted to feel something warm and memorable with her BF. Not because she wanted to hurt you. It was a decision that may have been made knowing you would be hurt, but to be true to herself and what her heart wanted she stayed put.
If the reaction is typical of how you respond to her, she may be avoiding you because you dramaticize things to point to big issues when they really aren't there.
Just thoughts, I hope it is at least considered. I'm not trying to put you down, just to speak straight up about your post. Because honesty sometimes means more then support for what sounds like immaturity on your part, or stinking thinking.
