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Well, whatever, I don't want stuff to ruin the holiday and, by the way, I did mean to wish you and yours a holiday. I hope we make it through with peace at least for a little while!...I'm trying not to let things get to me but I sure am feeling like fool now! Here I am thinking there may be hope for my A and I to resolve or at least address the problems that have separated us for the last few months. Although we haven't brought up any topics, things have been going well as far as how we treat each other. I keep trying to implement things I've learned in Al Anon, here and elsewhere to try and change my own behavior. It's been hard but I'm trying. He comes here in the morning to have a quick cup of coffee before I go to work, he gives me kisses to say hello or good-bye, he does stuff around the house, and a few times I got a tap on the rear end although we are no where near eady to take it further than that. But I found that once he leaves here he goes off to see his old female friend, does more favors for her than me (he says she pays him since it's related to fixing her house), calls her every day at least once, doesn't go to the jobs he says he has (why he can't just say he didn't go do the job, I don't know), and there's other stuff that just makes me wonder. I see the alcoholic in him that I know so well even though he hasn't drank in a year. I know he's missed the last 3 AA meetings he was attending. The characteristics are all there and he though he's a "nice" guy (especially to everyone he's not married to!), he doesn't appear to follow what I thought was program. The lying (by leaving things out as well as out and out lies) is there. I don't know if that's the alcoholic or if he's just like that - not that it matters. A lie is a lie. But today after he left here, he apparently went right to her house (he said he was going to a job) because I saw him pull out her driveway only he didn't see me. She lives smack on a main road where I couldn't miss but he missed me. Pissed me off. I cooked a big breakfast for him, he chills out with me for a while, then leaves to go to her house???? Anyway, I decided I better get more busy with my own thing. I told our daughter who's home for the holidays that I was going to see an old friend and I'd be home in time to cook dinner. Well, I drove around, visiting a couple of nearby small towns, enjoying some beautiful scenery, listening to some relaxing music, watching last minute shoppers, and wondered why I don't do this more often. Why don't I get myself a close friend or do what I want. I'm home cooking for this man as though he's still living at home instead of a motel room. I'm kissing the man hello! I let him pat my rear end! He watches TV here since our daughter is home from school for a while! I feel like an idiot! It's like he's got me where he wants me! I thought I was getting good at detaching but I let myself get sucked up. I hear alcoholic stuff stomping all around us. Half of me wants to believe we can make it and half of me is struggling to get out of this relationship. Now I find that my A came to the house while I was gone and my daughter told him I was going to see a friend and would be gone for the evening! No wonder he was stand-offish when I saw him later. Well, good, he's getting a dose of his own medicine. I want him out of my head so I don't have to sleep with a mouth guard (stress gave me a jaw problem and grind my teeth problem)! I HAVE to get busy! Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to find me a 25 year old bare-chested guy (I'm a young 54). If he turned out to be a drinker,I'd die. But even if the possiblity of recovered A's to relapse is large, I don't think all the people who are in recovery programs for years, are people who can't be viewed as possible soul mates, potential sposes or significant others. But I wouldn't want to go through this again. .........I'm just trying to find my way. Thanks for letting me vent here and I truly wish you a happy holiday!...jaja
I've been through that this year. My ex would not always lie, he'd often just conveniently leave out vital information - lying by omission. Even when he wasn't drinking, I do think in some ways it does go with it, they get used to lying to cover up, or trying to cover up reality of situations and pressures.
My ex also went out for dinner 'with a co-worker'. He had the nerve to lie to me for a whole day about it. He said he was out playing pool with his friend, that he was saying he was playing pool with every week. I called that friend and he said he hadn't seen him in weeks. I also knew something was up because when I called my ex the night he went out, his cellphone rang in the background and he said he had to hang up from me to take the call. It's cause he didn't want me to hear who he was talking to, he was planning the night out with her. He also had the nerve to say they struck up a friendship at a conference he went to because they apparently got talking about her ex's drinking problems and my ex tried to say he felt empathy for her!! Then he said they went out for dinner and drinks. The whole thing is just too messed up for me to bother to comprehend.
Anyway this reply was meant to be about you not me..
I had to laugh when you wrote "Maybe my New Year's resolution will be to find me a 25 year old bare-chested guy"!! Whoohoo I think you should!
Really, I think it's almost the only way, because the A's are too caught up in themselves, we have to find ways to make ourselves happy. I used to cook dinners for him too, and then be resentful. To him it was just a free meal. He only felt sorry about the stuff he did because he'd have to hear about it from me afterwards. If he lied and didn't get caught he wasn't sorry!!
I did go on a date with a really nice guy a few months ago. But it's almost like a couldn't handle normalcy yet. Too hooked on the drama and the 'buzz' of a constant struggle to please an A person who can't be pleased by anything but whatever takes his fancy in the moment.
I guess the best path is to not do things you don't want to do. Then you don't get that "Here I am doing all this for you and you're not even - truthful, grateful, happy, whatever we think they should be..." feeling.
If you like having him around because he's nice to have around, then you have no problem. You just keep on doing what you are doing because it is what you want to do. If you are having him around in the hopes of something else coming of it then the problem is with your expectations. You're expecting some sort of real relationship - who knows what he is expecting. Probably, whatever he can get.
Please don't beat yourself up, call yourself a fool. The reason they can do these things ot us is because we are warm loving trusting people. These are not bad things to be.
Thank you, mama! It's almost funny! I must have the word "stupid stamped on my forhead every time he looks at me. Now, what do you think he'll say if sees a print-out of our cell phone bill and allllllllllllllllllllllll those calls he made are on it to his friend (some made as soon as he walked out this door). I was dumbfounded! He must've totally forgotten that I put the bill on-line even though he was sitting right there when I said I was going to. We were worried about our young son who was traveling far by himself and we hadn't heard from him on his cell phone (we are all on one bill). My A is a fool but at this moment I'm feeling like a bigger one....jaja
I know how you feel. Famous words......No one can tell you what to do, we don't advise in alanon. You must be honest with YOURSELF. How much more humiliation did I want to take from the alky in my life? No one could answer that for me. And by the way, the reason he gets away with this behavior with you isn't because you are so kind and wonderful and loving. It's because he CAN. Period. Any alanon member who pats you on the ass by telling you that the reason he is doing this is because you are such a nice person should check their own recovery. Alkys are manipulative liars and take victims and hostages like you whom they can get over on......as long as you will put up with it. And they are NOTORIOUS for leading double lives. Eventually, when YOU stop enabling him by allowing his games to enter your life, you will be in the process of recovery. That is what matters......the rest is his inventory, which is the same as every other lying, cheating, untreated alcoholic. The story is the same, it's just a different face. If you REALLY want to be kind......you will get off the roller coaster, and stop being the doormat. But you aren't ready yet......you will know when you are.
My "A" decided some time ago not to spend Christmas with me. He moved out so he "could work on himself" ~ and has been slowly pulling away from me. I am the security blanket I think. Funny thing is that since he left shortly after I yelled a bunch of stuff at him about his selfishness, ever since he's been doing things that he knows leave me feeling abandoned and hurt. Someone replied to you & said "because you allow him to." That is the god honest truth about my situation, and it sounds like it is with yours too. If you know in your gut he's messing around even if it's emotionally with someone else maybe you should move on and let him know that you aren't his doormat or security blanket. I am going to try to do the same.
I wasn't judging anyone, Debilyn. But I sure seem to be the topic of judgement and criticism about what I can and can't post lately. What about the principles of let go and let god? Or live, and let live? Or, take what you like.....and Leave the rest? Some people who read your postings are being helped, and some people who are reading my messages are being helped. I have never, ever, once, scolded ANY ONE member in front of the entire message board. And I think I can call an alcoholic anything that I want to.....I apologize if you are offended by the term, Alky. It is not meant to be demeaning in any way. And yes, it is an illness, and they are sick people. However, that does not change the principles in the Do's and Don'ts of alanon. I don't have to be a doormat just because an alcoholic is "sick" and trying to get over on me! It is when I STOP enabling the sick alcoholic that the whole family can start to recover.....and no....I have absolutely NO idea when someone else is ready to stop doing that. I only know when I was.....
Love to you, Debilyn...and have a wonderful new year!
