Had a fantastic morning just me and my little boy, and was soo cool to see his face light up opening his presents and he was all 'oooh' and 'ahh'.  Then we had scrambled eggs, waffles and strawberries for a breakfast treat.

I felt calm and happy.  And thankful for what I've got.

However last night curiosity did get the better of me and I called my ex (A) and it didn't go so well.  I just wanted to see how he was and because it was xmas eve.  I instantly felt that knot in my stomach of distaste and frustration and felt so mad at myself for calling, I really can't stand him still.  I told him I genuinely wanted to see if he's okay because he has to have a wisdom tooth out and can't eat well at the moment and is in pain.

He just kept saying 'you don't care'.  It was very frustrating.  I'm not going to baby him anymore.  I feel like everything I say to him even the littlest thing like about a band-aid on my son's finger turns into a he-said she-said confusion.

Then he calls me back saying why did I call, I'm just trying to mess with him, I won't let him move on.  I said I'm genuinely sorry, because it was definitely a mistake.

Today, dropping my son off to my ex's mother I saw all their presents under the tree and I felt this funny pang of almost jealousy and annoyance.  Mainly because it annoys me that they spoil my son with presents, but rather than presents why can't they just grow up and be more reliable, give him their time and not just buy his love with toys.  I know I should be happy my son has family that will spoil him.  Plus I felt like I was being shoved out the door as soon as my son was out of my arms -this family has let me down so much and not supported me and now they are treating me like I'm not wanted around them on xmas day. 

They have always turned a blind eye to the drinking, I think drinking is just the done thing in their family.  They are used to the men in the family drinking and the women in the kitchen cooking and the men get drunk and talk trash and the women just go 'oh well I have to stick by my man, it's just one night.. blah blah blah.'  Too me this is a very old fashioned and demeaning way to live.  And my ex has just fallen into line with it.  I'm outcast from their family for refusing to turn a blind eye to the huge elephant in the room.

I have actually seen photos of my ex when he was about 4 yrs old, surrounded by empty bottles of beer and filling them up with a hose and pretending to drink out of one.  He also told me that birthdays and Christmas for him were about him being wound up like a spring by his aunts and uncles until finally his grandad, who would have been sitting in his chair drinking all day, had enough and would then without warning give him a smack and send him to bed.

Phew, thanks for the vent. 

Don't know why I care about not being part of my ex's family that I don't even respect.