The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just got home from my "other program" and was thinking about some of what was said today. The short version of what was talked about was worthiness and about trying to follow the path our HP wishes for us.
And how sometimes, some of the things our HP prods us to do we don't really want to do. And not only do we not want to do whatever it is but we also might feel we are not qualified to do it. And how we might be saying back, "HP, you sure you mean me??? There are so many people out there so much more qualified to do that than I am".
It made me look at myself both past and present. I remember so vividly that feeling of unworthiness that I had so often as a child and young man. Something nice would happen to me and I would think...I dont deserve this. My senior year in high school I was a member of our high school band. At our final concert of the year they always gave out the John Phillip Sousa Award to the most outstanding male member of the band. Well I won it! And when my director announced my name, the first thing I did, was look over at the person whom I had expected to get it. He was a better musician than I was. He had won many more awards over the years for his horn playing. I couldnt understand it at the time, and to be honest, I felt a little guilty...unworthy. Afterwards, I even went over to him and told him as much! He said back to me... "No way, you earned it man!" I didn't believe him.
Sometimes I say something to someone. Sometimes I post on this board, or share in a meeting....and get back feedback that just absolutely blows me away and I think wow, what did I say??? And I have to go back and read it again myself! lol. I understand that now, I understand I am just the vessel...not the teacher. I understand why I feel so unworthy....but I know now that it is wrong. I am worthy. Whenever my HP puts gifts in my life (and man does he put a lot of them in there!) I know now it just doesnt have to be about whether or not I am worthy. There is such a thing as grace too. Sometimes He gives me gifts, even when I am not worthy. Because He loves me. I am learning to take them and just say thank you.
I dont start topics on this board very often. When I do, sometimes it is just for fun, or because I am excited by something that has happened to me. Sometimes though, it is because something in my gut just tells me too. To share some little thing that I am thinking or feeling. That's my HP. And to be honest, just like right now, I often get to the end of a post and think, hey, just delete that...you don't really need to be posting that. But I do it anyway. I have rarely not gone ahead and pushed "submit post".
I guess what I'm rambling on about here..lol...is that I think each of us is worthy. I think each our HP's wants to give us more than we can imagine. That we have a purpose. And I think, for myself, I went and continue to go through the life I have had, the good times as well as the bad to prepare me for that purpose. And that part of this purpose is Al-anon. Not so I can go around saying..... ayup, I'm a member of a recovery group, but so I can be a part of this wonderful family of people where love is given away for fun and for free! And for what it has and is teaching me about being a man and for what I may give back to all of the rest of you who's paths take you into this program. Even as I write that.......there is a voice in my head saying "Man your egotistical" lol. But I just told that voice to shaddup! Cuz it is not about ego.
It is about doing what I think my HP wants me to do, whether I feel like I am qualified or not!
My Christmas wish to all of you is that each of you have a Merry Christmas. And that you all have a blessed 2007. And that each of you know that you are loved for exactly what you are, Beautiful, wonderful children of God.
Hasta Luego, Mi Compadres!!!!!
(or for the non-spanish speaking community..he he he)
I do understand about feelings of unworthiness. Somehow I learned that if I actually stood up and said "Yep, I agree, I earned this" I would be bragging. There was a real interesting, Confucian style dynamic in my home: by saying "You don't really have to..." it was code for "Well, how thoughtful!"; by saying "That was really unnecessary..." it was code for saying "That was good that you stepped up to the plate and...." This back handed pattern of coded speech really resulted in me getting some backward messages of speaking to others. Waht I didn't realize was going on, because this was my mother mostly doing this was that, namely, she was a) minimizing her needs; b) negating your choices; c) making herself to be a martyr to having later to do what you just did. Excellent example: I sent her a Christmas present, calender of Ansel Adams (her favorite photographer) and a bottle of lotion (she's a surgical nurse, she'll use it). So as soon as she gets the package, she goes into the whole "Oh you didn't have to do that" shpiel, which puts me on the defensive of WHY I chose to get her a Christmas present; now, if I had chosen to NOT get her a present, that would have created a whole HOST of other problems (I have been down this road, I know it for a fact), she would have called, asking what's going on? am I broke? why couldn't I have sent her a "small, little thing?"
This was really significant for me in recovery. I would emulate my mother's pattern when recieving gifts, word for word. What I didn't expect is that if you tell people they don't need to spend money on you, eventually they stop. PEople won't buy you gifts if you tell them not to do it--even if you mean to keep on. Yeah, see, people don't speak code. People speak direct language. People speak honesty. And if you don't want them to spend money, they won't. That was a hard lesson to learn, that I was creating my own resentments there, that I was setting myself up there. So when I had to come to terms with the basic concept of "thank you" I also had to realize that when Mom does her thing, that's mom trying to project her feelings of unworthiness onto others.
Which brought a really anchient, very painful problem to light for me: obviously, mom's gonna play games if I give her something; if I don't, she'll do the same thing. This is where I'm working on some of the harder boundries we talk about in recovery. Being direct. Being tactful. Say what you mean without saying it mean. When she did it this time, I said "Well mom, it wasn't any trouble, and I know you'll enjoy it, so it was my pleasure;" as she kept on doing her thing, I said "Well, if you feel that way mom, I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm shopping and use the money I was gonna use to buy you something and buy it for me instead. Or, even better, donate it to UNICEF."
((((((((((((((((((David))))))))))))))))))))))) You are so worth it!!!!!! When I meet you I felt so warm inside you are such a sweetheart!! You have helped me grow in my recovery you leaned a ear when I thought I was all alone. When you share you share from the heart. When others meet you before I did they discribe you as a Big Loving Teddy Bear with a HUGE Heart of Gold...... I totally agree!!!
You work your program and inspire me to work mine!!!
He loves you as his child, his manifestation of himself, and you know yourself to be a vessel of his goodness and mercy because that is exactly what you are. When we remember who we are, we remember who He is, expressing himself through us, as us, and always with us. At this time of the season, when the spirit of giving is high, we feel it more. We remember. I will always remember your kind words David. You deserve the love that comes back to you; you are worthy of the essence of wisdom that pours through you, and it is perfectly fine to love yourself, so you can refill that beautiful well from which you pour your goodness out to us.
I am so happy that you decided to share your heart with us on the beautiful Christmas Eve. So often when I find a lil piece of clarity I too feel this sense of elation. I think it is important for ourselves and for others that we share those moments. Seeing others expand in their spiritual growth motivates me to always remember who I am. I am one of those beautiful children of God you were talkin to. Many blessings to you my friend.
....there is a voice in my head saying "Man your egotistical" lol. But I just told that voice to shaddup! Cuz it is not about ego. 
