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All I can say is that I am learning...... MIL is here for Christmas, and she is the very definition of co-dependent. I forgot that the question "Do you need help?" really means "If I don't help you, I will feel bad about myself, and if you don't want me to help you it must mean that you think I am trash."
AGGGGH!!!!
But here's the rub.... If what she wants to help with is something I enjoy doing and I want to do it because I enjoy it.... Shouldn't I do what I enjoy doing???? I am not responsible for her self-esteem!!!!!
Hi ShelBel - You are right - if it is something you enjoy doing then you should do it. You are not responsibile for how she feels about herself. You are responsibile for you and keeping yourself sane. Do what you enjoy. Perhaps you can tell her in a gentle yet clear manner that you are take care of x,y,z. Then let it go. Are there somethings you can give her to do that would help you out and keep her out of your hair to keep you sane? Setting some boundaries...just take care of YOU.
Good luck - the holidays can be trying. Pray to your HP to show you the way and stay with you.
I would suggest that you slow down and take a deep breath. You're right, this is a family disease. But you're also astute that this is an individual disease--we can stay sick, or we can get better.
If her behavior is grating on your nerves--and such seems the case--directly, honestly, and, as tactfully as possible, say something to the effect of "I appreciate your consistent offers to help. But if I need your help, I'll ask. Right now, I feel good enough doing this on my own and would rather you didn't help me; it's actually more upsetting that you're interrupting me verusus actually helping me. When I do need help, and I'm sure I will, I'll ask you first."
If she gets in her stuff, and most co-dependents react first to a boundry rather than respond (a reaction is based in defensiveness, a response is based in gratitude), she may try to pull other people into your communication; your husband, for example, or her husband. She may try to be a martyr or play into self pitieous behavior. When, if, this should happen, I suggest you say to the individuals trying to step into the communication, "I'm sorry, this is not a matter for you to worry about. This is between (name of your MIL) and myself. If there was a serious emergency or something to attend to, I would have asked for your help. Thank you for the offer, though. I appreciate it." Keep repeating this sentence, no matter how emotional the other party gets, no matter how many times you are interrupted, no matter what. Say it in a calm, direct, tactful manner.
Tact, in practice, is telling someone to go to hell and saying it so they'll look forward to the trip. Keep in mind that this practice I am suggesting to you will need to continue one day at a time throughout the year, not simply for this trip that your IL's have elected to make at this time of the year.
maybe embrace the idea of being able to use what you've learned -- get out a scorecard for yourself, make it a game for you; just a thought - work is always more fun when i compete (against myself or others)
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you all for your wisdom!!!! She has gone to the store with hub for a bit, so I am BREATHING. It is hard to have someone come into your house who thinks that helping and taking over are the same thing. But I want to make the cherry pie, so I am making the cherry pie......
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
