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Well, what a day it has been. My A has got himself into such a state over the last couple of weeks drinking 24/7. His parents came over yesterday mornng after a desperate call from me to look after our son as I had to go to work and couldn't leave him with my A as he had already had half a bottle of vodka by 7.30am.
They spent the day with my A and couldn't believe the mess he was in. A spent the day crying and begging for help. My attitude since coming to this programme and woprking on myself is one of detachment. I can definately say I have achieved that!! Something clicked in me only a week or two ago and things have been much easier to cope with.
My A has been saying for a few weeks that he wants a detox and to go to rehab. I keep saying that is great make the call when you are ready and leaving it at that. Hence, me not making the call for him, he has not done. Yesterday his parents saw what desperate state he was in - medically he is suffering, he is in much pain both physically and emotionally.
I received a phone call early this morning from his dad when begged me to take his son to rehab. I explained that the call must come from my A and that when he was ready he would do it. i tried to explain what i have learnt in alanon but he didn't agree with me. He said that his son would be dead unless I took him to detox. - OH no - I'm not taking that guilt. My A is a grown man who can make his own decisions and from my own progress I definately realise the three C's - didn't cause, can't control, can't CURE. I prouded myself on remaining very calm with his dad - I do understand where he is coming from and he is naturally very worried. Oh boy, I've been where he is now many times - trying to make my A get help when he didn't want it.
Well...then a tiny miricle happened - when my A got up he came through and sat and said you know what I want to go to detox today and rehab and then make a fresh start. I remained calm and said that's great- - left it at that and said no more. After sometime he picked up the phone and made that call!!!
He broke down on the phone to them and yes I then did speak to the detox centre. No - I don't see this as doing it for him - just doing something that I would for anyone. I just gave them the details they required but it had come from my partner.
Unfortunately they didn't have a bed free today so the next bed is on 27th December so he now has christmas to get through. I'm not getting my hopes up too far, I do realise that he has still to get there and many things can happen between now and then. However, I am very proud of my A for making that call himself and in his own time. For the first time in a long time a little bit of my heart was lit again and it made me realise what it is I do love about him. It has been difficult to see why for so long.
I feel so proud as I know he was so scarred. I am just taking each day as it comes now but for today he has taken that step forward and I live in hope that he makes it to the doors and goes through them to the detox. However, what will be will be and I leave it in the hands of my HP who I know will be looking down on me.
It can be very easy to forget when living with an A the good points about them. They are not horrible monsters, just people like you and I but who have a terrible family disease which makes them sometimes do unpleasant things to others and themselves. My A is still the person that I fell in love with many years ago - still that kind, caring, gentle soul that I dearly love.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow, I can't say. Who knows what the future holds, a future together or apart, I can't say. But what I can say is for today I am proud of him and proud of myself for working the programme and the benefit that it has had on MY life. I thank my HP for watching over me and I truely believe that life only throws at us what we can handle.
That's enough of my babbling on...Merry xmas to all.
Bear, I do hope he follows through with that reservation for him as well as you.
Have you discussed Al-anon or Naranon with his parents? As a parent with an A/D son I know all too well how devastating it can be to the parents. It nearly drove me into a stay at the mental ward of the hospital. Fortunately I went to Al-Anon instead.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Can I be so bold to suggest that you provide him with the number to AA, should he need it before the 27th. You never know, he hurt bad enough to call the Rehab., he may be open to AA.
I think it's awsome your ability to let him take control of his own mess. He'll never be able to say you forced him to go, this is the beginning of his effort. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Usually there are "alchothons" over the holidays, which meetings are held 24/7 for those who need it. If your husband is interested, and I'm fairly certain this happened already, AA will be happy to help him through the next few days until his bed opens up (I'm pretty sure that the detox facility gave him the number for the local AA contact when he called, but whatever).
Glad to see you're owning your part, surrendering the rest. Keep it up. Pray for his parents, they're obviously really hurting right now. I would also recommend you pray for your husband's disease, that he make a discision about how he wants to handle it (just because he's signed up for a bed in drug rehab unfortueately doesn't mean the contract is in blood, he may change his mind). And, of course, pray for the knowledge of god's will and the courage to do it, one day at a time.
One thing to keep in mind, that if he decides not to drink over the holidays, watch him closely. My A tried to do that at home and nearly died. We got him to the ER just before he started having seizures. If he's in a bad state, take him to the ER. 5 days of drinking or not drinking is a lot for an A to go through. Alot can happen in that time.
You did great standing your ground. I'll say a prayer for your hubby for his recovery.
Love and blessings to you and yours.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
This is so stupid though, what if he had a broken leg or throwing up blood or whatever, drank a bottle of poison,,,,
sorry you have to wait. has always been a bone of contention with me. We learn it is an illness that they are very sick, they cannot detox alone as it can and does kill them. My fil died that way. Stopped drinking,dead.
So if your A cont. to drink, he needs to. Been there honey. hp is there for you and him. day at a time.
Just wanted to say thank you all for the support and words of encouragement. I know it is only through working this programme that I am able to get up everyday and continue living. For so long I was not living and had not even realised it.
Today I've been shopping, wrapped presents and done ' normal' preparation for xmas things!!! I even put on my make up!!
My A's parents cam to visit him and spent the whole day sitting on the bed with him in it talking to him, wiping his brow and hugging him. They don't understand why I won't do those things. Mobodie thank you for the suggestion of giving them the alanon number - it really would help them as well.
