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It’s been almost 2-1/2 months when I told the X-AA in m life that I was unable and could not be his friend. Our relationship is over and in my grieving it’s extremely difficult therefore any kind of interaction with this X is not in my best interest or health.
He has been sober almost 1 year, 1/2007 will be 1 year. He said he wasn’t happy about not having any communication w/me but understood and would respect my wishes.
Brother & Sister it’s been extremely difficult ending this relationship with him. I still love him dearly. But I try daily to keep my boundaries so that I don’t have any melt downs and up until now I’ve been doing great.
Long story short, he has been calling me and each time I remind him of the BOUNDERIES he tells me he misses me and thinks of me all the time & wishes things were different between us.
I’m confused: has told me in his sobriety that he does not love and will never love me.
Why them does he think of me and miss me? I don’t understand!!! I asked him the same question and he said that he is selfish (which I believe) but if you don’t love someone why would you miss them or think about them.
Is this what sober AA’s do? He has an amazing support group and sponsor close family that he can talk to. If he isn’t respecting my boundaries isn’t he violating some AA step?
If you have some insight would you please share w/me I would greatly appreciate it.
I really don't have any wisdom for you. I can tell you this is exactly what my Active A does. One year Sobriety is still an early sobriety. Keep doing what is best for you. Keep the focus on you and not on what he thinks or why he thinks that way. It makes no sense and it is useless to try to figure out why they do/say what they do/say. I do know that if they see any hesitation then it is a signal to them to keep doing what they are doing, so whatever you say, mean it and do your best not to waffle back and forth.
Keep busy making your life and living it -- it has amazing possiblities.
The X-AA is sending mixed messages because "he is mixed up". But you don't have to react to those mixed messages because you are trying to move forward. Moving forward means keeping the focus on you.
Since there are no "AA Police" to keep track of or punish violations... well, I will say that the behavior you are describing is certainly common for alcoholics. It's part of the disease, not of the recovery, but even after decades of sobriety, it's not that unusual for an alcoholic to show his ass, so to speak.
It's not really about changing it, or hoping AA will come to the rescue and correct the behavior. It doesn't work like that.
If your alcoholic were to talk to his sponsor or other AA members, they'd probably be telling him to quit worrying about you, and work on himself. Doesn't mean he'll do it, or do it perfectly. Or that he's even talking about this stuff within his AA circle..... if he's not talking about it, it means he knows what they're gonna say, which means he's well aware of what he's doing - LOL.... but like any behavior that is just messing up his own serenity, he'll stop when he's tired of it. Unfortunately, not when you're tired of it.
I agree, you don't have to go on this roller coaster with him. Any way of screening his calls, and not taking them or maybe just taking every third one, or something?
I have found with my sober husband, that it's almost as if manipulating, and playing mind games is such a habit with him that he still does it just for the sake of doing it. Whenver he is under stress, he starts messing with my emotions, dancing around and being impossible to figure out. It seems to be something that gives him some sort of comfort. I don't have to be a part of it, though - I can just refuse to play.
I think the problem is that A's (either in recovery or not) really don't know how to function in a way that most people would consider normal. He probably does miss you for whatever reason - even if he said that he didn't love you in the past. But don't worry about what he wants. It's not your problem.
In my situation, I don't believe that my A b/f really loves me - even when he says it. I think that he just loves the idea of me - or something that he has with me. He seems to crave attention. Maybe your X is feeling lonely and is trying to reconnect with you because he's lost a lot of those connections with people because of his addiction. I would guess that if he is sober now that maybe he is starting to think more clearly and that he might be starting to see how his problem has impacted his life. He's probably lost a lot of friends. And if he had friends who were addicts too, he can't really hang out with them if he's trying to stay sober.
But like others have posted, let him deal with his own feelings on his own. Do what you need to do for you and have a nice holiday.
- LOL.... but like any behavior that is just messing up his own serenity, he'll stop when he's tired of it. Unfortunately, not when you're tired of it.