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:I always seem to doubt myself and always seem like I am in a turmoil? I am sure its me-I know I am codependent. sorry---anyway last week I talked about my DIL-re: talking about amy son at lunch, etc.etc. I do feel I "stood" my for myself finally! But now she does'nt call or let me know she is not coming for lunch. We are going there for Christmas and I'm thinking is she "mad" at me--how will it go for Christmas? I do think I will let it be--Turn it over to my Higher Power and try not to worry about it. I always try and make peace--but I know we both need time/out. Thanks
There isn't a thing wrong with standing up for yourself. If she is really upset....then that is alright. She needs time to process, think about what was said, and the waters need to settle a little, I am sure. For me, I wouldn't bring it up again unless she does. For me, there is a lot of freedom in that. I am not resposnible for anyone. I can stand up for myself today and not feel guilty. If someone gets their feathers ruffled in the process, then there is nothing I can do but let time heal it.
I've spent a lot of my life around people who would 'punish' me for being who I am, or thinking what I think, or saying what I say. It's only fairly recently that I have realized that for this punishment to work, I have to join in, and play the game. If I don't play, it all just collapses.
I remember years ago, when my husband and I were seeing a marriage counsellor. I was saying something like "oh, I have to do this and do that...." and the counsellor asked "Why?' "If I don't, he gets mad". The counsellor said "So what?" To me it was such a no-brainer - I couldn't allow anyone to be mad at me. It's taken me fifteen years to realize what that counsellor was saying - the sky won't fall down if someone is mad at me. I don't HAVE to let it affect me at all - I do have that choice. I had been giving my husband enormous power over me, and he had been abusing that power, for years.
So, my feeling is, let her be mad. She'll either get tired of it and come around, or things will get bad enough that the two of you will have to discuss it and clear the air. Either way, it doesn't have to be your problem unless you make it so. SHE'S the one who's mad, let it be HER problem. Hard, I know, if you're not used to it, but it can be done.
Have you, directly, asked your DIL if she IS mad? Why or why not? What were your motives for asking? Or, if you haven't, why haven't you?
When we play "mind reader" what we're really doing is saying, "I don't trust you. I don't trust you to have feelings, to own them, to share them with me, and/or to not be a hostage to them. I don't trust you to be honest, to be honest with me, to be honest with yourself, to be honest with God as you understand him. I don't trust you to love, to love me, to love yourself, or to love our relationship to give it the respect it deserves. I don't trust you to respect, to respect me, our relationship, or yourself. I don't trust you to accept, to accept me as I am, you as you are, or our relationship as it is right now, in this space, at this time in life." Wow! Big leap we take there!
It's little wonder we play "mind reader;" professionals call it "bargaining." "If I just do X, he'll love me..." "If I just do Y, she won't drink..." "If I just get these grades, Daddy will finally love me..." The twisted thinking we develop is a way of coping with the insanity, a way of conrollling the uncontrollable. But really, what does it do? Wastes energy; creates martyrdom resentments (How dare they not appreciate me for trying to save them from their own misery!); creates conflicts; creates misery within ourself; gives us feelings of low self worth, and, ironic enough, a desire to REPEAT the same behavior that's CAUSING the misery!
Note that I never said that there aren't some people that don't deserve to NOT be trusted--I mean, would you trust an arsonist with your woodpile? Trust is earned. In the words of the late JFK, "Forgive your enemies, but remember their names." Letting go of a resentment is one thing; being foolish and letting ourselves being repeatedly taken advantage of by an opportunistic person is a completely different matter. As my father (yes, THAT one! ) says often: "Fool me once, shame on YOU; fool me twice, shame on ME."
So what to do about your DIL? Talk to her! Ask her, before the big day, what's up. Completely owning your part, NOT taking her inventory, tell her how you feel. Tell her how you feel about your relationship. Talk in "I" statements; use reflective dialogue ("So what I'm hearing is..." "If I understand you, what you're saying is...") If things get heated, and cut downs begin, you can assert boundries ("When you say....I hear....and I feel...."). And, believe it or not, you don't have to go there for Christmas. Your serenity is yours to earn and own. You do not have to participate in any activity that risks it.
Big leap we take there! 
Note that I never said that there aren't some people that don't deserve to NOT be trusted--I mean, would you trust an arsonist with your woodpile? Trust is earned. In the words of the late JFK, "Forgive your enemies, but remember their names." Letting go of a resentment is one thing; being foolish and letting ourselves being repeatedly taken advantage of by an opportunistic person is a completely different matter. As my father (yes, THAT one! 
) says often: "Fool me once, shame on YOU; fool me twice, shame on ME."