The material presented
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Well...where do I start really. i have a feeling this is going to be quite a long post so please bear with me!
I am very new to alanon and this board but since coming here I have made great changes in my myself. I can't thank you all enough for responding to my posts, listening to me rant in the chat room and most importantly making me feel like I have a whole network of support around me. It is only through this board and the chat room that I have been able to take a stock of my life and myself.
Brief update....my A partner decided that he needed to go to detox and then short rehab in order to get his life sorted. The old me would have picked up the phone and booked him in - taken him along and done it for him if I could have! But no, he told me he wanted rehab and I said that's great, make the call. I did give him the number as he wasn't sure where to look but I left it at that. I told him to make the call when he was ready. Despite him daily being in tears and telling me he can't cope anymore and doesn't want to drink he still hasn't picked up the phone. But I now realise that it is his life and he has choices to make. I really can't make them for him or cure him.
However, each day he is getting worse. He is drinking more and more. He drinks vodka from the moment he wakes until he passes put. If he wakes after passing out he drinks again and then passes out. This has happened so quickly. Only a couple of months ago we had a pretty 'normal' (whatever normal is) life. He was runing our business, looking after our little boy even though he was a drinker. He seemed to have alot more control then. He stayed pretty sober during the day and then got drunk in the evenings but still managed to function during the day. Our relationship was still quite good. Yes, he had been an alcoholic for 5 years but we still had that sparkled between us.
Now...well it's suddenly gone very quickly and it seems to be because I've changed. I feel so different in myself now. I'm sure their must be some terminology for this but don't know what it is. No longer am I living his life with him. I've recently told my mother all about his drinking and she has been great. When it has been abad day I've been able to be honest with her insetead of covering up for him - lying for him. I've managed to tell his parents and likewise I'm no longer lying and covering here for him and do you know what - it feels great. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
Last weekend my A spent the whole weekend with a bottle of vodka either in bed or watching telly. He never changed his clothes despite sleeping in them and having dried sick all over them. What did I do - well the old me would have worried all weekend, given him fresh clothes to change into, spent the weekend, with him - but no I didn't. I took our little boy out and we had a fantastic weekend. Doing all the things that we use to do before my A got in the mess he is in now. It was just me and our son and I loved it. Yes, we did come home to daddy passed out and as my son is only 3 had to tell him daddy was poorly but he is not at an age to explain to yet.
My plans for the future - I'm taking one day at a time and as each day goes by I'm starting to feel stronger. It is hard to explain really but already it doesn't feel as if my A is part of my life anymore. I feel kind of detached from the situation as if it is not happening to me and that feels weird. For being codependant for so long to detach is both scary when I think about it but also encouraging and motivating for me to for the first time begin to see what a wonderful future I do have.
I have not yet decided whether that future is by myself or with my A but whichever way I know now that I will do what is right for me and be happy with my decision. The alcohol was very slowly destroying my love and our relationship, but since coming into this programme it feels that as each day goes by the alcohol is very fastly destroying what is left.
I have changed in the way in which I respond to him but this seems to be sending him into total self destruct. I would really appreciate it if anyone has any experiences to share or as I am new to this programme try to explain what is happening.
I'll leave it at that for now, I have another big issue which I will post on later but for now it has been great to get my thoughts down and by doing so has helped me try to make sense of them in my head.
Welcome to MIP and your recovery! The first thing I was told when I came here was the 3 C's: you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control the drinking and you can't cure the drinking. It is a disease and nothing you do influences it one way or the other.
That doesn't mean that he is not afraid of you getting better, taking care of your self and your son and leaving him alone in his disease. When you say he is getting worse, many times it is panic over us doing better and leaving the consequences of their disease to them. You didn't do anything to him. You are taking care of you... and a healthy person would not find that distressing.
Your plans and attitudes sound very healthy to me. Keep working your program and allow him the dignity to take responsability for his own issues. What we are learning in Alanon is that it is not unkind to take care of ourselves, and for those of us with children we owe it to them to be healthy so we can be there for them.
You are doing the right thing.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Generally, it's not that he's getting "sicker." He's always been sick--not that you needed anyone to tell you that.
The reality is that because you've been "brought to life" your perception is changing. You shared in your post that you feel yourself putting into practice alot of the suggestions, slogans, and literature. That's great! But there's a down side: the reality, painful as it may be, is that you're learning exactly what alcholism is, how it works, what it does to a person individually, what it does to the family as a whole, and how you personally are being affected by his decisions. This also means that you're watching someone you love fall apart; make desparate decisions; suffer under the voluntary hostage situation that is his disease.
But, there's an upswing to this...downswing: you get to work on you! Like you noticed the weekend with your son, when you focus on you, mind your own business, take care of your own side of the street, things become a great deal more manageable. The decisions you're making become your responsibility to deal with, to manage, to be accountable for. This is the best possible time to get a sponsor, work the steps, and begin working on yourself. This is the best possible time to start looking for the spiritual solution to the human problems. get involved with a home group. Start doing service work with them. And, yes, bring your child--most meetings won't care. (Personally, I worry more about the mothers that use the "childcare" excuse to NOT come to meetings than those that do)
well done, it takes a lot of courage to stop caretaking in the way you obviously did for such along time. You owe it to yourself to take care of you and your little boy. I find that it is a progressive disease and its acceleration can be faster at some times more than others. I caretaked my alcoholic brother into a semblance of normality, that took 7 months and once he started binge drinking again, he reverted right back in 3 DAYS. I was deeply shocked as I thought such a deterioration would take at least six months. My alcoholic ex A also deteriorated mentally quite quickly and became very erratic over a short space of time. What ever happens please look after yourself and like you I have become more honest rather than covering up. I found that they knew anyway. The stink of drink does tells its own story along with the unkempt appearances. I hope he find the strength to recover but whatever happens mind yourself, your little boy needs his mother.
Good for you for being able to focus on you! The 3 C's! It may also mean that because you are not in the way of your A's drinking, he may very well get sick enough to seek help. You taking care of you also gives room for the reality of the disease to kick him in the rear end...jaja
Thank you all - I think I just needed abit of reassurance. It can feel very scary but I know that it is what I have to do for me and my child. I live in hope that he will get sick enough to seek help and by me backing off the reality will kick in for him.
That's wonderful, wonderful for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are detaching with love and that's an amazing alanon tool. And your child is lucky to have one parent who is emotionally available and present for him to enjoy. You have begun by breaking the cycle.
CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!!! and keep coming, yours in recovery Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I'm so glad you're here. You are doing so well already.
When I first came here someone said to me that "If nothing changes nothing changes". I took a lot of weeks to consider this but eventually I let it sink in. I knew I had to make some changes. The chaos of his worsening drinking was dragging me down so much.
I was paying so much more attention to him than to me. I was eating unhealthily, putting on weight, not really caring about my appearance. I was slipping and I knew I had to do something.
I tried to put the focus on me and protect myself. It sounds to me that you're doing this already.
I know it's so hard to see the ones we love getting sicker, and our instinct is to protect. I did this for long enough. Now I know sometimes I have to just leave him in the chaos that surrounds him. Maybe he has to fall to that awful bottom in order to find his way forward. I hand it over to HP, I have no control, and I pray hard. I'm only human. It's all I can do.
You are not alone. I started Al-anon 3 months ago because my A got suddenly much worse. I am also noticing he is getting worse. I love my husband, I hate what this disease is doing to him and to me but it's not fair to me or the rest of my family that his disease ruin our lives! I guess for me, it's channelled anger that makes me determined to help myself, the disease may get him but I have too much to live for!
I feel like a recovering addict too, in a different way. I know it is terrifying him to watch me change. He is losing control over me every day. His first instinct is to drink more to solve the "problem" in his mind. I'm fighting this disease in a different way now. The disease may take him but I don't have to sacrifice myself to it too. He'll either have to face his fears or hide in a bottle. I have given him to God now.
