The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone! I am new here and I am in need of some advice from people who know exactly what I am going through...
My story in brief...
I have been married for 2 years to my husband who is an A. We have been together for 5 and 1/2 years. My husbands father and grandparents all A! The only one still alive is his father. My husband used to live a hard life that he made for himself with drugs, but he got himself out of that life by himself.
Now are years together have been filled with drinking and DUI's and no license for him but I continued to help him and I know that he is a good person but just can't seem to beat drinking.
We have a four month old baby girl which we worked very hard to get. I have endometriosis and it is a miracle that we have her! Since we have had our daughter or actually since the middle of my pregnancy I felt our marriage change. I am not sure if it was the fact that I no longer would go hangout with him b/c I was too pregnant and tired or what.
Here is his basic behavior that I just can't live with anymore... He will go to the bar after work without calling and then come home a couple hours later and be drunk. He will go hang out at his friends house or go to "drop" something off like a part he works for H-D and his friend works for another one so often times if one needs a part instead of shipping they will just have him drop it off or vice versa... anyways... and he will say he will be home at 10pm and not show up till 12:30am drunk.
We have discussed divorce... when he comes home and I yell at him for not being home and drinking and driving he says he is leaving, he has had enough of me, he doesn't care if we are married or not... but the next day he tries to act like nothing happened.
I want to either fix this marriage or end this marriage before our daughter is old enough to realize what is going on...
Please help me... How do I make him see how much he is hurting us and how can I help him want to get help...
I am also relatively new here and the posts and info here have been very helpful in providing strength to deal with this problem. Based on my experience, the way to show how much your husband's drinking is affecting you is to tell him to leave. His threats to leave are probably just that, threats. My b/f does that just to see if I will say "NO, don't go." It's the A's sick twisted reality and they seem to need that kind of attention.
I think the biggest help (and the hardest thing to do) is to realize that you can not control his drinking. Nothing that YOU DO will change him. He has to change himself. You can only control yourself and your reactions to his drinking. I guess it comes down to what you are willing to put up with. And from what I've read from other posts, things can get a lot worse than they are for you right now.
Take care of you. This is not selfish. It is vital. You can't control his drinking. It took me fifteen years to realise that I could not do anything. Try to be as independent as you can but detach or you will go down too and you have your little baby girl to think of. Take care, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
As difficult as it can be... the sooner you give yourself permission to sort out what the reality is within your relationship to your husband the sooner you will begin to understand that this disease is very baffeling, cunning and powerful. It has been in my experience that the majority of the alcoholics and drug abusers in our lives are wonderful people outside the disease of alcoholism. But, the reality is that they are addicted and under the "spell" of this disease. Like myself, it sounds like you already knew his activities prior to actually getting married to him. Reality number two... realizing that we were living in a fantasty, believing that he would "get better" after the marriage and ignoring the possibility that it might not happen. Reality number three reveals itself in the mindset that we are "helping" them. We do not help them, in fact, we actually treat them as if they are complete idiots unable to live life without us. Which takes me to reality number four.... we are not God. I do want to assure you that his behavior is completely within the norm of this disease. The majority of us would definitely be able to say that we have been there, done that and could of written the book if needed.
You stated the following:
I want to either fix this marriage or end this marriage before our daughter is old enough to realize what is going on...
Reality number five.... we didn't cause, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. This is why we have a program for ourselves and the study of the steps of al-anon will and does give us the hope of a better future for ourselves and our children.... one day at a time.
It becomes a new day as we begin to look at ourselves and learn that our ability to ensure happiness in our own lives is the greatest reality that we can embrace.
If you are married to an A, you cannot have a 'normal' marriage. That's just reality. If being able to depend on him, have him come straight home from work, etc, is important to you, then you are in the wrong marriage. It is not going to happen. He is an alcoholic, and alcoholics drink. He is not going to stop because you yell at him. If that worked, none of us would be here - we have all yelled up a hurricane, and it did no good at all.
So, you might want to sit down and look honestly at your marriage. Could you stand to stay with him, knowing that he will continue doing what he is doing? If the good outweighs the bad, then maybe the answer is yes. If you are mostly staying in the hope that things will change, then the answer is probably no. No one but you can answer that, and no one else's opinion matters.
I found that when I stopped being mad at my husband for being what he is, a lot of things in our marriage got better. No, he did not stop drinking. No, he did not start being reliable. I made changes, to my expectations, and to my feelings. I started having a plan B, so that if he never showed up, or showed up drunk, I was still OK. I learned to be happy doing things by myself, or with the kids, so if he stayed out, or was too hung over to do things, we still had fun, had a life. It was not 'normal' but it was OK - once I stopped comparing what I had to what I thought other people had.
If this type of life sounds unacceptable to you, then you might want to seriously think about getting out of your marriage.
Either way, alanon can help you. It is too hard to do on your own, living with an alcoholic makes most of us crazy. Welcome, you are in the right place.
Best advice I can give is get yourself to some meetings with baby on your hip , there is nothing u can do about him , threats don't work , embarasing him dosent work and only makes u feel bad for the things u have said. Al-Anon will help u detach with love and get on with your life and you don't have to leave your marrige to do that. We are called family groups because i believe that our intent is to keep families together if possible , dosent always happen that way but u never know.
try our program in real meetings for a few months so that u can make a informed decission and not one based on emotions alone , threatning to leave simply does not work. here is the toll free international number for meetings in your area , please use it your worth the effort . Louise
hi and welcome. You have made a step that could change your baby and your life for the better.
I know you want to help him. The best thing to do is help you. I found the more I used my alanon skills, the better A and I got along. He no longer felt the guilt of seeing me torn apart.
Sadly your A changed becuz he has a horrible disease that will continue to kill him until the end. Using he is slowly tearing more and more down parts of his body. It is a disease, it will get worse and worse and you will get sicker and sicker.
I also have to tell you, your baby knows it NOW. Children feel things from birth or maybe before. My daughters babies dad is A. She left him and got a restraining order. NO way was she going to put my Sprout thru that. She was ignorant to aism. Thought she could help him, change him. He abused her.
Your precious girl feels everything you do. She can hear you argue, she can feel his rage. I believe kids feel things more than we do. I worked with kids all my life, and raised my own and many more from broken homes. usually to do with aism.
When my A came around and scared me and my babies, I got a restraining order and we did not see him for ten years.
I have known and loved my A all my life. He is now evil, turned to the darkside a wasted man. walking dead. As long as they are using, it gets worse and worse. The reality is, even if the go to rehab, at some point, most relapse and they start right where they left off.
Most will find something else to be addicted to. They are addicts, drinking is a symptom of aism. Just becuz they stop drinking,does not mean the behavior will get better. Usually,sadly it is worse. Becuz they love using more than life itself.
This is why in alanon we learn to take careof ourselves. We learn to be ok even though we love an A. We stop helping them as it is really the worst thing to do. We set up our own bank accounts, we do not sign anything with them. Don't even sign your taxes with him. I have been paying HIS taxes for years now. All i have right now is my home and power. I may not have internet soon.
The disease will suck you dry unless you grab onto alanon with your whole heart. For your baby girls sake i hope you do. Face to face meetings are great. they will have literature and will welcome you, and mean it.
there are also meetings here in the chat room.
I am so sad to hear what you are going thru. The book, "Getting Them Sober" was a wonderful help to me. I find them at used book stores.
We never tell anyone to leave or stay, it is totally up to you. Only you know what you can stand.
I used all my skills and was able to enjoy long bits of good time with my A. But the time got shorter and shorter now down to nothing as time and using took him away.
Love is not enough to keep them sober. The sicker they are the better, the more miserable the better. We pray they will get so tired of it all they will stop on their own and get themselves to AA and rehab.
But that is their choice. I stopped even mentioning anything to do with his disease. It is NOT my problem. If he brought it up, I would say it is your choice. I would even say, I don't want to get into it, it is not my life.I did not want to hear a word about it.
I am a watch what they do person.
He got worse honey becuz your attention went somewhere else. they are very selfish people. He wants all of you, his disease wants to own you, control you. They don't want to go down alone. the disease loves to play and manipulate you. You are no fun anymore.
Please take care of you and your baby. come back. We care so very very much. You can count on that. We have been and some of us still are where you are. We can help you help yourself.
Listen closely, and choose what you want to take from it:
1. Get to a face to face meeting; learn the steps, the program will work if you work it, regardless of what becomes of the marriage, you will need it if you CHOOSE to get healthy, because you are not - tough to hear, but easy to spot when we've been there
2. You can't "FIX" your marriage - you can't - you don't have control, alcohol does
3. You can LEARN how to set boundries and THAT HELPS; it helps you not to live in the craziness, and will help him to understand what is accepted behaviour
4. You are a rightfully PROTECTIVE mother, that is nature, that is instinct; of course you don't want to be around a destructive force, you have A CHILD to take care of - natural, normal, healthy thought
5. No need to yell at him, be mad it him; anger is poison - poisons you; you will learn that that anger compels him to keep on; that somehow, crazy as the logic is, he feels justified in continuing what he is doing; also, it makes YOU insane; anger is REACTING to the fact that he is drunk; RESPONDING is a calm, healthy approach - you can't make him UNDRUNK/SANE - wait till communication is possible and you've had a chance to think out, or even write out what you want to say/communicate to him
6. Talk to him about what is acceptable to and the child when he is sober; talk, be human, not defensive, not threatening, and relay that there are consequences to his actions. Explain, straight forward, what you expect from him as far as finances, love and support. Even tell him that you are not going to become angry when he drinks, anymore. and do it.
7. You can only CONTROL you. Trying to control an alcoholic is much like sweeping mud. Keep your thoughts yours and try to remember this little gem -- if you give it more than 2 minutes of thought, you are probably obsessing over it. Answers are usually clear to sane people, but we in recovery need a couple of reminders to keep/become/act sane.
8. Take care of you and your child's needs. You can't focus on anyone else.
Keep coming back to this board and face to face meetings. You will find love, support and sanity. We have all been through this, or are going through this. Listen, See, Learn -- and EMPLOY the skills that Alanon has to offer. There is hope and future happiness and serenity.
with love
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Welcome - you are in the right place. It sounds like lots of great posts and information. My only add would be that alcohol is more powerful to them than we are. And we are powerless over alcohol. For me, that was the hardest step but the right one to bring me back to sanity and to keep the focus on me. Detaching from his problem and focusing on my healing. Keep coming back, it really does work. We're here for you.
