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I seem to be having a problem with putting up with some of my A husband's immature behavior. I stopped keeping up with how much he drank, I try not to argue with him when he is drinking, and I have learned to let alot of things go but his immaturity drives me nuts! I have learned in Alanon that even if you don't say anything to your A that your body language can speak volumes. I just can't seem to stop myself from rolling my eyes or doing the heavy sigh when my husband acts like a teenager. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do?
Yes indeed! The frustration is great. It was all too much for me. I had to leave.
In my saner moments I tried to remind myself that he was acting only as he knew how to act, from immaturity. It was actually unreasonable of me to expect him to react maturely in situations. I knew he could not. He didn't have the capacity to.
This was my reality I realised. I could either learn to live with this or walk away. I couldn't cope with it anymore. I suppose as I started to recover myself, I began to expect better treatment for myself. I knew he could not give what he did not have to give. This is just my opinion.
Be easy with yourself... you are by far not the only one who does this. The truth is I found it harder not to react to the smaller things than the huge dramas. I could put the big issues in a drawer and say that "is not mine to deal with".... but the smaller things that just popped up out of the blue. They are harder not to have some visable reaction.
I still do it, but I am working on it. The last thing I have tried is to actively decide what I will do next time something bizzar happens ahead of time. Some stock responses like " ... well that could be true", or " Hmm, I will have to think about that" kida helped me a bit.
Hang in there and keep working on it. We didn't get the way we are over night, it will take quite some time grow into our new selves.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I believe immature behavior is part of being an A. The development of a person is halted at the age the person begins using. My A started using at 15, and so many days I feel like I'm talking to a teen. He can have low impulse control, tantrums or fits, obstinence, whining, acting out of anger and unable to communicate how he's feeling in a healthy way.
I have learned to react to these behaviors and have a very hard time asking for what I need from him despite his immature behavior. I also find it hard to deal with the lack of warm respose that I would love to get. That is not going to happen too often right now. He is not capable of giving empathy and compassion; its not something that developed in a healthy way. It is hard not to respond to this behavior. It can be exhausting and maddening. Approaching the behavior without judging has worked on occassion for me. Keeping quiet and showing active listening, then saying I never thought of it that way, or I can see you are upset... can we take a break and come back to this when you are feeling better and calmer? There is no quick fix to this type of behavior. A person has to want to grow and mature and that will not happen on our timing. Continue focusing on how you can change the behaviors you want to change. Focus on responding not reacting and you will feel better about you. Your A may want to follow your lead, you never know.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
i roll my eyes so much sometimes i am scared that i'll never see straight again. i just don't let him catch me. the faces i make when i am on the phone with him are hysterical. but that is my immaturity and my inability to stay in my program. but it is way better than engaging in a fight with him. it is my form of letting it roll right off my back. and someday maybe i'll stop making the face altogether. but for me this is progress!
Wow, these are some insightful posts. I didn't realize that their maturity level could be based on the age that they started drinking. Now I see. I keep correcting my b/f's behavior for some of the most simple things. Like sniffling and wiping his nose - "use a tissue not your hand". Now I'm beginning to wonder if he was even in puberty when he started drinking!! Seriously!!
Serendipity - maybe your eye rolling and faces are your way of dealing without getting angry. I've done similary things with my daugher when she gets into that "You don't care about me" crap and I can do nothing but agree and make sarcastic comments.
I think that your responses are a much healthier reaction than getting angry.
What works best for me... is to allow my heart to feel sad that this disease has stunted his ability to mature as well as mine when I don't use the tools given to me in this program. There was a point of realization within myself that I did choose him to become my husband even though I new he liked to drink... no I didn't understand the abuse that the disease brings into people's lives, but I didn't take the time to ask myself if that was the type of person I really wanted to be with and to father my children... I just jumped into the relationship blindly and eventually needed to understand and come to terms with that. I did spend 21 years with my ah until the disease eventually took him into the bed of another woman who would party with him. I know today that if I don't continue to look at my choices I could make the same poor decision again.
What a great post and excellent responses! I can say I know how you feel. What I found for me when I first started dating my A was that I started to become a mother to him and the co-ependent, ill part of me really loved that - taht was why I was attracted to him in the first place...for a while anyway, and then i got resentful and angry. I found myself saying terrible things to him like "Oh, grow up" "Be a man". I'm feel bad for my behavior He didn't know better nor did I. I too didn't realize until recently that they get emotionally stuck when they start using. Made complete sense to me. Now for me, I am getting better by responding differntly and thinking if this relationship suits a healthier me. I love the posts her on ways to respond better and in more healthy and adult ways.
especially liked yours, AnnMarie; excellent advice - you either CHOOSE to live with it or CHOOSE NOT to live with it. basic of basics, get down to the raw truth of it all.
yes, maturity does STOP at the age of heavy drinking -- i'm 31 with a 15 yr old wife.... isn't that illegal???
love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
One other point to make about this, when we see how hard it is for us to stop doing something that we know we shouldn't - that is not in our best interests of ourselves or of the people we love - in this case rolling eyes, snapping, etc. If it is this hard for US to not slip, to make changes in the way we deal with the world, to stop ourselves from doing these things, how hard is it for the A to make the changes he needs to make? He is also dealing with a physical addiction. When I think about this, it makes it easier for me to keep the 'with love' part of "detach with love".
maybe you could train yourself to only roll your eyes in a certain spot... like the shower
so if he does something off the wall, you march into the shower, roll your eyes for however long you need, get out and look into the bathroom mirror, laugh, because you'll be thinking about this particular post and the ridiculousness of it, and then go out and respond/detach/do what you need to do in a better frame of mind.
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
