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My A has been calling asking if he can come over for Christmas, he wants to come Christmas Eve and stay until the day after. I really just don't want to deal with him. I imagine him rifiling my stuff, checking my computer to see who I have been talking to, questioning the kids about what I have been doing, etc. This is what has happened every other time. Plus he sent me an email saying that he is their FATHER and has a RIGHT to see them..... AND (I was planning to go to Alabama after xmas) He would appreciate it if I would inform him before taking his kids like that I'm not the only parent.....
I got enraged and sent a reply that was not what he will want to hear. I read it to my sponsor first but I always feel like I'm being mean when I have to say something I know he wont want to hear. The anger is rising again, how dare he ask me to inform him when he has no way to be contacted. How dare he say that I'm not the ONLY parent I am definitely the only person acting like one! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR My oldest daughter doesn't want him to come. The other two wont be heartbroken if he doesn't either. I don't want to alienate the kids from him but I also don't want to have to worry about him in my house or have to pick him up/drop him off, etc. etc. etc.
I think if you "reset" the dynamics of the situation you may feel better about things. You seem to be worried about what HE wants. "NO" is a complete sentence ya know? Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries.... NO, I won't be your taxi NO, you may not stay all night. If he has a 2-3 window to see his kids, looking on your computer would be pretty rude instead of spending time with them. But then you could always remove a cord somewhere if you don't want him in your personal stuff. As far as going to Alabama and informing him..well, now he knows.
What you could do is set the hours he may see them if he can find a way to get there AND a sure way back. If he truly wants to see them, he will work out the details. Not your problem to make it work for him.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You've heard of the therapy technique called "role playing?" This would be a good place to do it.
Using a stuffed animal, or even better, your sponsor, role play a conversation with your husband. Being perfectly candid, go through why it is you don't want him there, what has happened when he comes, and what it is you will and will not tolerate. Make it clear to your sponsor that the "first pass" is you trying to process out your feelings--you're trying to get out the "crap" so that you can get to the solution.
Another good thing to do in this situaiton, and probably before you do the role playing before you hook up with your sponsor, is letter writing. These are the kind of letters you don't send. Writing fully, candidly, and being as specific as is possible, write to your husband everything you want to and need to say to him about why he can't come to Christmas. Get it all out on paper. Then, after you write that letter, write another. And everytime you write 1 letter, make the next one more specific, more direct, more tactful, and using more "I" statements. If you're doing it right, you'll find the succeeding letters are getting shorter, more direct, and more to the point. There's no BS-ing or "beating around the bush."
Then, having finished your letters, do the role playing.
Then, after the role playing, tell your husband directly, No.
I did kinda do the letter thing, in an email. I read it to my sponsor on the phone before I sent it and she insisted I take out the cuss words but otherwise thought it was fine. I said these are the reasons I don't want you to come and these are the reasons I AM their only parent! I wasn't nice just matter of fact. Anyway, thanks for the backup. The general concensus here and at work and among friends is that I am NOT being mean or unreasonable by not letting him see the kids. I'd let him see them if it wasn't ALWAYS putting me out!
ugggh, my ex is the same, he has been saying for the last week he wants to stay over Xmas eve to spend Xmas morning with us. Part of me doesn't want to be alone, but the other part hugely doesn't want any chance of him spoiling my Xmas. He's already getting our son from noon Xmas day to noon the next day.
It's going to be weird, but I'm trying not to focus on it.
I'll be thinking of you, and everyone else, this weekend, hope it all goes well [fingers crossed!]
Of course, the right thing to do is to let him see his children....and it sounds like you already know that. You have a right to feel resentful, however, there are children involved. You could ask him not to rifle through your belongings....and see how that works. You could let him know that you would be happy to confer with him about the children if you could have a way to contact him. You could also not worry about him going through your emails or your computer stuff, if you aren't guilty of anything.....it shouldn't be a problem. We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism, and I suggest that you try to separate his illness from the person he is....for you, for him, and for the children's sake.
Have a nice holiday season, and ask god to remove the selfishness, and the resentful spirit, and to give you a new attitude towards this situation....you will do the right thing for ALL concerned.
i think if the kids are all leaning toward not seeing him... 'nuff said. answer is clear as day. you can tell him you confered with the kids and noone wants their holiday ruined. A's are selfish by nature=give little, take lots. no thanks, joe schmoe. even your kids don't like your behaviour.
with love
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
