The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading a post and it said there is hope, people do get better and get everything back. I am confused as to how anyone can live like that. Before I moved out I had been living on hope for a long time. Hope he would get better, hope this time it wouldn't happen again, hope I wasn't making a mistake by trusting. It had been almost a year since a serious incident, everything looked good. Most of you know how that turned out.
Personally I'm tired of living on hope and having to spend my in between time either waiting for the other shoe to drop or living with someone I can't trust for anything (to care for his own children, to not steal from me, to tell the truth). That's why I left I don't want to live on the hope that maybe he will change and I can't accept him as he is.
For me there is hope, I know those who have hit their bottom, made a choice for themselves to seek out sobriety and now have their families (wives, children etc.) back. It's a beautiful thing. I'm reminded that there is hope every time I look at my brother in law and watch him with his girls who are now are young teens. I am amazed at that. I held no hope for him. I prayed my sister would wake up and see that he was hopeless. Only look how much I knew, today you'd never know that he had all but destroyed his life and many others.
My story is different. I still have hope, I know that it is possible -- sobriety is possible for those who choose it. It is work, it is hard, but it is possible. Can I live with my A, no, can I accept and walk the walk my sister chose? No. I am not her. But I still have hope.
Hope for me is not waiting, putting my life on hold for the A. To me that is not what Alanon teaches me. I agree that all of us have our own limits, our own path, and what is right for one is not always right for another. But I still have hope. It is a disease, it is terminal, it kills, just like many other diseases. This disease can be arrested by sobriety, they are still alcoholics and it is a life time of maintenance to keep that sobriety. But what a life it can be.
I have see it happen, that is why I have hope. It is good to know that it is possible.
There is always hope, carolinagirl. The trick is being able to stay around and wait for our hopes to materialize, knowing they may not. For each of us there is our unique solution. We handle it the best way we can. Like you, I cannot live with active alcoholism. Period.
Thinking of you this holiday season, and wishing you well, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't think that just because someone "hopes" means they have to stick around and "put up with" things that are unacceptable. Just because someone moves out/on doesn't mean they have lost all hope, it just means they need to be in a different place.
My husband is sober (4 months now), does this mean he's got it for good? Not necessarily--is he going to go back out? I have no idea--he is 35 and God-willing we have many years left, so we definitely cannot predict whether what comes in his life he will be able (willing) to handle or not. I hope this time he "has it" for good. But there are many who go in and out all of their lives--there are some who have 15-20 yrs. of sobriety then pick it back up and end up dying of alcoholism. I know this, but I still have hope. If my husband had not sobered up a few months ago we would not be living together today--I couldn't handle it anymore. Had I given up hope? No, I just couldn't stay where I was anymore--but I still hoped that one day things would be different.
Having Hope & tolerating unaccepting behavior are not the same things.
I can always have hope - as long as the A's in my life are still alive there is hope that the "light" may come on and they will enter the path of recovery. That sobriety will become a way of life for them.
But until they do, I can set boundaries, limit my contact if necessary, have a safety net or a Plan B. I have the choice to still have that person as a part of my life - they just don't have to BE my life.
Carolinagirl, you have the freedom to decide what is best for you - that is the beauty of recovery. We all can decide what is best for our situation today. What works for you today, may not work tomorrow. Tomorrow, when you get there, You can change your mind if you need to.
If you feel like you need a break from the A's in your life, it's ok to take that break. You don't have to have our permission, your family's permission, a program's permission - It is between you & your Higher Power. If I decide to stay with my A's, that gets to be my choice. All we want is you to have the same thing we are trying to accomplish - learning to live Happy, Joyous and Free - One day at a Time.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
CG, it was a solid 18 months of program before I felt a single iota of hope. It was a solid 2 years before I felt anything that could be described as gratitude. And it was because of what Rita G is talking about.
Alot of times you gotta have your life go to hell before things get any better. Before things got any better for me, I was investigate for plagarism, transferred schools, was in a psych unit, lost my car, was unemployed and depending on my unstable father for all of my financial affairs, had to pack up in the middle of the night and flee for my life (no joke, dead to rights serious), had to petition the university to take the results of my LD testing as accurate and acceptable.....
I mean things have gotten really really really bad these past 2.5 years. But ALOT of where I'm at today is because of a change in prospective. So long as I'm working on the steps, so long as I'm working on me, so long as I'm doing the best I can and surrendering the results to god, the best outcome possible for the circumstances will come to pass. I have faith in that.
Faith is defined for me as the reality that even though I can't always see what god is doing, that doesn't mean s/he isn't. That just means I don't know the full plan, and that it's probably better that I don't. It means I know what I know at this minute and more will be revealed in due course when I'm ready to recieve it and god's ready to give it.
You know Carolina, I think of it totally different. My hope is faith, So what it comes down to is, I have hope/faith that everything will be ok, no matter what.
If A gets sober on program great, if A stays a drunk, whatever, if he relapses so be it, but no matter what I have hope that I will be ok. the world can fall down around me and I KNOW it will be ok.
His using or not, his being away or not has never made me stop loving him. He is my husband,we are one. But now I put my hope in my HP that it is up to him to judge the A in whatever he does. He knows better than I about aism and abuse and all.
I mean how would a human be able to judge someone born a beautiful baby and child who goes thru abuse, all kinds from the time he could hear? Gets put down all his life, goes to war and sees even more evil, finds drugs ease the pain... I sure don't want to judge. I have hope that A will be in HP's hands and hp will forgive him. I hope so.
Carolina, I have a think in my bathroom I read all the time. "Please lord, remind me that nothing is going to happen to me today, that you and I cannot handle together."
I put my hope and trust in my HP, not really anyone else. If I do, to me I am asking to be disappointed. I would rather accept things as they come, day to day.
Glad you are here Carolina, I am proud of how you are on your path, and how you cont. to come here. You are a perfect example of a person that is a miracle in progress.
Yeah I suppose each one to their own. I can relate to you because I also have a child and you have to think of their well being and their future too in making your decisions.
Some people don't believe in divorce.. I have a few friends who had parents or grandparents that slept in separate bedrooms, put up with each other or fought all the time until the day one died - is that a way to live life?? life is so short, I say.
Then on the other hand even when you get away from them the feels don't neccessarily go away too - it can be hard to get past resentment or still having hope they will choose to be a better parent.
Hi Carolina , the hope I try to speak of is for us the non drinker. We can recover and if we don't find help we will do the same thing again and again . We have been affected by the disease of alcoholism and we too need to recover. Don't stop now keep the focus on your own needs and you will be fine . The miracle of sobreity is his .
Our miracle is finding US again and becomming the kind of person we were meant to be. With or with out them. good luck Louise
((((((((((((((((((((((carolingirl)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) There is hope. there is hope for us to live our lives to the fulliest whether or not the alcoholics in our life is drinking or is finding soberity for themselfs and there happiness!!!!
Hang in there and keep comming back!!! Hope is here!!!
When I first started the program I thought there was no hope and I found my self really confused I was told here there is hope but as you I too hoped my family would find soberity so I could have trust feel safe and have hope of a loving family I always hope for but what really happened was I was the one to find hope in this program with my HP and make changes in me!!!!
