The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have bent over backwards all my life to prove care and love to a family of A's. After 40 yrs of it I left. For 12 years they never noticed I was missing and if i tryed to contact for any reason, it was my fault it was like that. When Hurricane Katrina came and a friend ,supposedly, dropped me at my A daughters apt bldg in Tx and my A mom came to visit cause she thought she was dying(which came out she is of cancer). All that mattered to them was themselves, drinking and rebounding to drink more and rebound again. All i was to them was someone to use to help them. I lost everything in Katrina and not once did it matter or count to them. Those were MY PROBLEMS and didn't get to discuss the 11 months I was around them. The only way I was concidered was if I could serve them some purpose for their life.
Now that I am 53 and back by myself, no contact again. I don't think recovery is ever on their mind. My hopes and dreams of waiting for their bottom never have happened. And I don't expect them to. My a-mom is 72 and dying and would love to stay drinking as she excuses and believes its an herb and good for you. My a-daughter has 2 babies and both their dads are a's and after all they put her through , she still won't quit or think she has a problem with it.
I can't seem to find any hope and if I do I get hurt everytime and have to give it up. Is hope, in a way, an expectation ??????? Or an excuse to hang in ??????? I buried my brother in 1997 from it. I had always had faith HP wouldn't let it happen this way ! Was I asking for the wrong thing that was someone elses choice ??????? And not my busness ??????? Never could I mention their drinking without a fight , yet all my problems were openly aired and used for their reason for drinking. Being away from them for 12 yrs didn't stop it, so what does that say ???????
I just had to get this out and see if any one can comment ???????
I have lost hope !!!!!
I will be spending the holidays alone again. Too much lost.
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 09:09, 2006-12-19
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I don't think you have lost all hope because your post here shows that you are reaching out for something to help you, to give you hope once more. I can only imagine the impact of Katrina. I experienced three hurricanes while living in AL and suffered only slight damage even in one where my neighbors all had major problems. Katrina's impact is only now beginning to surface in lives, I think. So with that said, perhaps as more time passes between you and that storm and the aftermath, perhaps hope can return. Your family has not helped you in a very long time. The expectations one has about family is that they will be there for you. In your case, that has not proven true. So to depend solely on yourself is taking its toll. I am so sorry you are feeling so hopeless right now. I don't know what to say to you except to hang on. Keep posting here and getting your feelings out. Keep reading the responses and glean what you can from them. Do you have a religious background where a church might take you under their caring wings? Your HP might lead you in that direction. When one's biological family fails them, one's spiritual family often steps in. Take good care of yourself, dear friend, as best you can. We will wait to hear more from you and as you reach out, we will reach back.
I can totally identify with your family situation. I have always managed to be the bad guy where pointing out alcohol abuse is concerned. When my mother was dying of cancer, she did not drink and it was the only time I remember this happening. She was a binge drinker. I too have two brothers who are A's. I took one in for seven months and he bled me dry, now other members of the family are nasty as I pointed out that he had problems. He lives near them now next to a pub and 'never misses a day's work'. He also never misses a days drinking which is not seen as much of a problem. I feel hopeless as well about it and I can only commiserate with your dreadful loss after that hurricane. It's very disorientating to have familiar things taken especially when you are going through a vulnerable time. Please look after yourself and know that you are in my thoughts. You are lucky you got out. I am so grateful for that, even though I like to construct fairytale reality too much at times, this board is great to keep me grounded. Keep posting.
I guess my comment would be, what are you doing for you? What are your goals?
What are your strengths? When you are carrying so much bitterness inside you, how can one move ahead?
I am so glad you are here letting it out. Becuz we do care about your problems, I say your obstacles.
Have you thought about maybe finding a job that you like? Maybe something simple that you could do to make yourself feel better.or volunteering?
It sounds like you have needs, from being so tore up from the past. The more people you meet, the more you give, the more you get back.
I would like to hear about your one more move. Is it a better situation?
For me the let go and let god is a wonderful thing. I feel a desire to help my mil. She has been awful to me. I kept thinking about ruth and naomi. But my mil blames me for all my AH's messes.
So i let it go. I start to think of her in that tiny room in that nursing home and it kills me. How dare her family leave her there like that. Just makes me ill. I have a big room and master bath she could have. She could have her own phone and talk bad about me all day. I don't care.
but nope , that is the past. now I have to care for me. Make my life as happy as i can. Make things good the way they are. Look at the clean parts of the walls not the cobwebs...
I don't know where or what you live in now, but I do know, we can make a home anywhere. I can't remember if you are on SSD. There are organizations who give free rids. There are places to get free cloths food, furniture, curtains beds whatever, and they deliver. if my tiny town will do it, I bet you could find things.
Your family is a bunch of very sick people who are toxic to you. You like animals, if you can, go volunteer to help animals. Where you are keeping your cats can surely use your help.
Heck if you were closer I would get you up here helping me. I sure would enjoy your company and I can see ya sitting there with 3 cats in your lap.
First, I am sorry you've had to endure what you have. And then to endure Katrina. I'm so sorry.
Alcoholism is painful, they drink to avoid pain but we feel every little bit and man, it hurts. But, you are right, we can't do anything about it - just take care of yourself and change what you can- yourself. They don't mean to hurt you or use you - that is the insanity of the disease and that is all they know.
Please remember you are never alone - your HP is always with you and we are always here for you. Take care of yourself - do something nice for yourself - you do deserve it and are loved!,
Djurne, I can't seem to find any hope and if I do I get hurt everytime and have to give it up.
I think you may be looking for hope in the wrong place. The A's in your life will not ever give it to you. You know the Alanon definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Start bending over backwards for yourself, not for the people that are toxic. They are who they are. Let God and Let Go of the past. It is what it is. Hope lies within you, not them. Your choice is to hold on to it or move forward. I hope that doesn't sound uncaring, but it's true. I can relate, as I have had tragedy in my life too and was at a crossroads. Staying in the dark place isn't what life has to offer though. In all life's matters, we have choices. We can't choose the hand we're dealt, but we can choose our reactions, have goals and never give up on ourselves. At the end of the day... "I" am all I have. I can only totally depend on me.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have a sister younger than me who has been an alcoholic all her adult life. I have not given up on her. At the moment I choose to focus on me. I love her nonetheless. I just choose these days not to deal with her. I love her from afar.
I may get there to that place with the A I live with in time. The more I detach the more I see the disease and not him. I also know that I have to focus on me because I tend to over-give to others. I've given to my family till I had nothing left to give. My family like yours is not supportive. I have stopped waiting for them to be.
Loneliness has been a huge issue in my path through al-anon. Right now I have two friends I check in daily with. I need that. I need someone to share my life with my struggles and plans. I used to crave that acknowledgement from my family and the A. I stopped craving it and took actions.
Counselling has helped me. I know that low income counselling can be hard to get. I've jumped through lots of hoops to get it. I also know for me it is short lived because generally I see interns. Nevertheless one step at a time I do work on taking care of me and becoming more self reliant and letting go of my family of origin and in time the A who I share my life with (on a very removed level these days).
